The NFL — Where WTF Happens
The NFL remains one of the most unpredictable and yet somehow decisive leagues in sports. A quarter into the season, it’s time to figure out what the hell is going on and predict what’s going to happen next.
The NFL happens to be unpredictable. For example, if you look at the NBA landscape, the possibility of Warriors and Cavs meeting for yet another rematch is almost as certain as the fact that Donald Trump will say something incredibly racist within five minutes of you reading this sentence. While there is room for error and certain grey areas, major leagues with long, dragged out (thank God for that) seasons stand to infuse some sort of certainty to the proceedings and a notion that any ship will soon steady into its rightful place. In Football it’s a lot more loose. Which makes it all the more fun to predict.
While it’s fun to sit here and predict and analyze everything that has been happening, it’s even more fun to pull out your crystal ball, tarot and fish bones (or whatever it is you use for future predicting needs) and make some even more outrageous predictions for the future.
The End of Brady-Era
Tom Brady is back. Long live Tom Brady. As the New England talisman returns for his first game of 2016 he quickly takes a hit that sidelines him for three weeks. Bring in a rejuvenated Jimmy G who pulls the Brady on Brady himself. He is on fire. His spiral actually generates enough force to create sparks as they rifle into Gronk’s hands touchdown after touchdown. Brady gets healthy but the Pats don’t need him because they now have a younger, shinier and Jersey Shore-ier version of him on the books. He gets traded.
Ever the journey man, Brady spends the next three years searching for a new home, never finding same levels of success before actually retiring to pursue his second passion — emasculating footwear for men. He buys out Uggs, moves the production to a small island of the coast of Cuba and begins a new life as the Sheepskin Don.
The Minnesota Vikings Stop a Trump Presidency
At this point, I don’t care what I’m facing, I want the Vikings to shield me from it. A typhoon? Put them there on the line. An incoming mob of angry republicans? Get them on the phone. The neighbor who suspiciously checks his mail only when you pull into the driveway and exit your car? He can get it too. No one cares about your day trading baseball cards on the internet Stewart.
Sensing the clear and present danger that is the Trump Presidency to the United States, the Vikings take to the polls. They draw up a genius scheme as a response to Trump’s election day play (let me tell you, there’s going to be a play, it’s going to be the best play you’ve ever see. Fantastic play. One of a kind. Yuge) and build a human wall of intertwined limbs and Luke Cageian strength, denying anyone with a confederate flag or “All Lives Matter” memorabilia access. Hillary wins by an even bigger landslide than she would have before. America thanks the Vikings.
Carson Wentz Saves Philadelphia
Wentz is on a roll. He streamlines the league, not throwing a single pick. People discover that during the time his passes are in the air all water turns into wine. Seeking a bigger challenge, he starts recruiting random Philadelphia citizens to play at wide receiver for him and the Eagles keep winning. Flummoxed, Wentz decides he knows the answer, signing with the 76ers and working out a deal where he can play both sports.
As a member of the Sixers he averages a triple double and leads the team into the playoffs with Simmons back as his running mate. At the same time he also captures a Superbowl win for the city of brotherly love, still not having thrown a pick or having his rating drop below a 100.00. As the city of Philadelphia begins the construction of a lifelike Wentz memorial in the middle of downtown, he leads the Sixers to an Eastern Conference Finals Match-Up against LeBron, losing narrowly 3–4 but setting up an eventual rematch next year. The state changes its official name to Wentzelvania.
The Browns disband
Distraught with the state of affairs and observing Wentz’s success in Philadelphia the Browns ownership decides it’s time to call it quits. After LeBron claims the second title for Cleveland the writing is on the wall and it’s time to rewrite the city’s history as a horrific sports destination by purging its most lasting memory. The franchise goes up for sale.
While many people mull over the decision to purchase the Browns, ultimately no one pulls the trigger. The team dissolves and the money flows into the NFL expansion fund which grants Toronto the first Canadian NFL team and another sports franchise to be perpetually disappointed in come post-season.
Julio Jones Catches a Meteor
We don’t even know about it. NASA can’t spot it and literally happens as Jones goes out for a night walk before Sunday. He sees something flicker in the sky. As it gets closer, he recognizes it for what it is and breaks out into a full sprint, graceful like a gazelle in open field. Jones gets there just in time to prevent the collision with the ground. He keeps it as a souvenir.
Eli Manning doesn’t throw a pick in the next 3 games
This seems a little bit too far fetched.
Roger Goodell act as if he is an actual human being with some morals and concerns beyond money
Definitely too far fetched.
