The Totally Viable Theory on LeBron Screwing Over Dan Gilbert

If nothing else, I’ll be sitting here waiting for when Hollywood calls to adopt this into a high stakes thriller.

Kyrie Irving decided that it’s time to move on. Or at least it seems that he decided to move on. He’s saying all the things that make it look like he decided to move on. So that brings us full circle (or whatever the flat earth equivalent of that is) to LeBron James. Because in Cleveland, all roads lead to Akron.

After losing to the Warriors, LeBron pulled Kyrie aside and promised him “we’ll be back.” That’s the kind of thing a parent usually says to reassure his kid that a small failure is just a path to bigger success. In LeBron’s case it’s also an easy promise to make. While the Western Conference has been planting good crops and flourishing into it’s own micro-economy, the East has become a barren wasteland of failed expectations, faux-superteams and the bare minimum being good enough for the fourth seed in the conference. It’s a LeBron world and we’re all just living in it.

So why would Kyrie want to leave? Why would Kyrie want to leave now of all times? Why would he even consider bailing on a surefire situation where all they have to do is wade through an 82 game waste deep swamp of Dwight Howardesque failed expectations to get another shot at the Warriors? Perhaps he’s tired of being “second,” perhaps he wants a bigger role, perhaps playing with LeBron James isn’t as fun as it appears to be (this is silly, winning is fun, winning is always fun, and it’s better to be sitting in a passenger seat of a truck than getting steamrolled by said truck).

Sure, your parents love you, but I don’t think any of us would enjoy our mom dropping in at lunch break to check if we’re eating our vegetables.

Or…

Remember when the internet said that both Kyrie and LeBron reached out to Jimmy Butler and told him not to come to Cleveland. Seems like a weird move for a team with a shoestring budget attempting to challenge what basically has become the Justice League of the NBA. Remember how Dan Gilbert decided to fire David Griffin for no reason (I mean, signing Derrick Williams is basically tantamount to treason, but what were his options?). Remember when Dan Gilbert went after LeBron in Comic Sans, the backhanded lackluster slap of fonts? Well, what if this is the LeBron James revenge theater.

We all know that LeBron James is petty, like really petty, like extremely beyond belief petty. LeBron James doesn’t let anything go because we’re all living in his universe and in his universe he is Galactus equipped with a personal gravitational pull. LeBron never forgets.

So here we are, with LeBron harboring 15 different kinds of resentments towards Dan Gilbert, one in particular related to font choice. If someone ever addressed me in Comic Sans I would challenge them to a duel and tell them to bring a rapier. I’d bring a gun. Because how dare you. You only address me in Helvetica or better. LeBron is out to prove that Dan Gilbert isn’t the mastermind he thinks he is. We all know this to be true already, but LeBron James wants that fact on a billboard across America. He wants it shouted from rooftops and mountain peaks. He wants it to be on a Wikipedia page and in the annals of history.

Because Dan Gilbert isn’t a villain. Well he is, but he’s a cartoonish villain. The one who’s plan is too unrealistic and dumb to work. Like every single one of the Captain Planet big bads. Trying to deforest the entire planet instead of say a small section of the Amazon. He is too ambitious for his own intellectual limitations, and LeBron is here to undo all that. Think about.

Sure, you can say LeBron was “surprised” and perhaps even “hurt” by the Kyrie news, but what was he supposed to say? For someone who is as concerned with his long term image as LeBron, someone who’s spent about half a decade rehabilitating himself from the Hindenburg of PR moves, what was LeBron supposed to say? Yeah, I told him to lace up his Nikes and get on the twos, we’re out of here. (???). No, he couldn’t. He had to appear like he was still putting on for Cleveland.

Now, we’re in a perfect situation where Cleveland is not in a position to beat Golden State. If they trade Kyrie, the net return cannot be that great, given that we all know that Kyrie wants to leave and Paul George basically netted whatever pocket change Sam Presti had in his jacket pocket on the day the Pacers picked up the phone. Cleveland is here to tread water. And when did it all start? When Dan Gilbert fired the GM. So if LeBron leaves after another unsuccessful trip to the finals; after giving Cleveland four (!!!) straight Finals appearances and one Championship for the most devastated fan-base in the history of sports, fan-bases or devastation; after pulling a three wheeled cart up the hill for four years… can we really blame him for leaving? We cannot.

So it all began with a phone call to Jimmy Butler and culminated in a dark parking lot meeting somewhere near Quicken Loans with LeBron slipping a piece of paper to Kyrie in complete secrecy. The piece of paper read “RUN.”

LeBron is dismantling the Cavs from the inside. Don’t ever use Comic Sans to address LeBron.