What’s the Best Nickname in the NBA? Round Two
The public has generally proven to not have the capacity to be trusted in the crisis so the two unsung heroes no one asked for had to step in. This is our moment.
We’ve persevered through the first round, despite some very normal disagreements, but in general I think me and Brandon are doing way better than the general public, which thought it was okay to vote out “Outback Jesus.” I’m adding that to a constantly growing array of evidence that sometimes the general public just shouldn’t vote. Or at least do so under some sort of direct supervision. Anyways, luckily you have me and Brandon to fix it for you. So we’ve fixed it. Don’t worry.
ROUND TWO
SUPERSTAR REGION
(1) King James vs (9) The Process
(12) The Brow vs (13) The Unicorn
(11) Vinsanity vs (3) The Beard
(10) Greek Freak vs (15) The Stifle Tower
Brandon: We picked three 16 seeds in round one, so King James was the only 1 seed to survive. The king stays king… but only for a round. LeBron has a ton of miles and rests almost as much as Embiid these days. LeBron saved Cleveland, but The Process transformed Philadelphia and now Trump is tanking our entire country. This one is no contest, and I know you agree. The Process knocks off our last 1 seed and the King is dethroned. Winter is coming.
Serge: The PROCESS!!! Let’s cheers a shirley temple to this one. It’s the only way to celebrate. I’m going to go to the bottom here and promote the Stifle Tower to a winner. I love Giannis, but I still call him ‘Po (shout out to Jalen Rose and Bill Simmons on this one). “‘Po” is just so perfect when your real name is an internet password requirement (must include one number, one special character and three Egyptian hieroglyphics). Po just works so I need Greek Freak to lose so we can go back to ‘Po.
I am also a huge fan of how the Stifle Tower effectively references the great land of wine and procrastination without actually calling it out. It’s fantastic. It is instantly recognizable and if no one knew anything the NBA he’d be like “I guess he’s tall, suffocates people for some reason and is from France.”
Brandon: I’m just gonna let you live with the fact that you voted out Giannis after leaving him to drop Boogie.
Vinsanity has aged with grace and beauty. He can still do vinsane dunks and he’s suddenly a 3-and-D guy logging valuable minutes on a feisty team. It’s hard to age any better than Vinsanity. Then you think about The Beard. How will the Beard age? I’ve seen old guys with beards, and it ain’t pretty. Do we really need a nasty tangled graybeard in the NBA? Will his beard start receding and need a beardband like LeBron? I don’t want to find out. I smell an 11/3 upset.
Serge: That was mean. Like, have you seen his beard? That could be the only hair on his entire body and it would still be glorious. It will age just fine, along with Rick Ross’ beard, Harden’s beard is the golden standard for facial hair. And then the last one goes to the Brow.
If I’m being entirely honest, I’d like to get something off my chest. I once stole a piece of bubble gum in grade one. But also, I don’t like either nickname, but The Unicorn is a stolen mantle. Anthony Davis is the original unicorn except with a chainsaw for a horn. He was the first big man who entered the league and we actually thought he might be superhuman. You can’t be a unicorn when there’s other guys doing what you do better. Also, imagine Anthony Davis is still growing?
Brandon: You’re right, that matchup is a disaster. Brow is gonna beat Porzingis down like the time Hakeem played David Robinson in the playoffs after watching him win the MVP. He’s gonna snatch that unicorn moniker back from Porzingod and Bill Simmons forever.
INTERNATIONAL
(16) The Kiwi Phenom vs (9) The Rooster
(12) Outback Jesus vs (13) Zublocka
(6) Air Congo vs (14) The Bosnian Bear
(7) The Homie vs (15) Don’t Google
Brandon: These are some phenomenal nicknames. Well done, rest of the world.
Well, except for The Rooster. That’s turrible. Send the Kiwi to the Sweet Sixteen! If Steven Adams faces off against Serge Ibaka in the Elite Eight, we are personally flying in all 24085 of their siblings for a family cage match.
Serge: Outback Jesus stays on winning. Do we really need to explain why it’s so good? Some would say it’s blasphemous but I’m pretty sure Delly now owns part of the Golden Gate bridge after what he did to Steph for stretches of both year’s of the Finals. I’m sure we’re missing some sort of Mad Max reference/opportunity here but I don’t care. Out of all Australians who play basketball, his nickname is the coolest.
Brandon: With you on Outback Jesus, especially since he can apparently transform himself into a slightly taller mouthpieced trash player and hit crucial jump shots for UNC at critical times too.
I’m sorry to Bosnia, but Air Congo is the winner on that one. By the way, do you know what Arnold Schwarzenegger says when someone punches him? OW, Herzegovina. But anyway, do you know what the real tragedy is here? It’s that Serge Ibaka wasn’t born like 10 years earlier. Air Congo is great, but Air Zaire would’ve been the GOAT.
Serge: Oh man, I’m going to tweet that excerpt at Nurkic’s father and DM him your address, this one is on you man.
Have you Googled Evan Fournier yet dear reader? If you did you know why he has to move on to the next round.
Brandon: *shudder*
ACCURATE
(16) Spell Check vs (9) Iso Joe
(5) Born Ready vs (4) Manimal
(11) Switchblade vs (14) Mississippi Bullet
(7) Threezus vs (2) Swaggy P
Serge: ISO JOE!!! I have yelled that at the TV for the past 5–7 years and I will not stop doing so just because Spell Check is a thing. Also, speaking of nicknames, I need to say that Spell Check is another nickname we can give ‘Po. It just fits, except that spell check doesn’t work on it. I once tried to type Antetokounmpo in a text and my phone thought I was having a stroke because the paramedics showed up.
I’m going to go for two here because as much as I love Swaggy P, you know what’s swaggier than having Swaggy in your nickname. Having a swaggy nickname without needing overt reference. Show it. Don’t say it. Threezus is just too amazing to leave early. It’s references two of the greatest talents of our generation. Kanye West and Jesus. It can’t lose.
Brandon: I still can’t believe we just gave Threezus to LeBron for a playoff run for absolutely nothing. More like Freezus. Thanks Atlanta.
Switchblade and Mississippi Bullet sounds like a pretty good Friday night movie doubleheader to me. Only Switchblade is one of those crappy straight-to-TNT Nic Cage movies while Mississippi Bullet is the artsy Denzel Washington film that’s a remake of the better movie from the 1960s that wasn’t on Netflix. Look, Nic Cage is fine when he’s not off hunting national treasure maps, but you’re taking Denzel every time on that one. Bullet rides.
Serge: This last one is hard and pretty close, but here is why the Manimal loses. Once, Faried appeared on the ESPN body issue magazine and not one story issued like “it was hard to shoot PG13 because he’s such a manimal.” So that detracts from his nickname. That nickname makes me expect that Faried has porn star girth. And apparently he doesn’t. Lance Stephenson wins this one. Even before he blew in LeBron’s ear.
Brandon: Somewhere, Jalen and Jacoby smile quietly….
LOL WUT
(16) Buffet of Goodness vs (8) YMCA
(5) The Panda’s Friend vs (4) Big Penguin
(6) Wave Papi vs (3) The President
(10) The Pterodactyl vs (15) Kobe Wade
Serge: Say Wave Papi five times slowly in your head and don’t get noticeably aroused. I dare you. Wave Papi wins and you know it.
Brandon: I really need Kelly Oubre to get a little better so Wave Papi can be an actual thing. I think I figured out this weekend why Bill Self is such a huge choker in March. It’s because he’s too busy not developing the careers of all those Kansas wing players like Papi and Wiggins and Ben McLemore and Josh Selby and Xavier Henry. Good luck to you Josh Jackson. Have you seen that new Jordan Peele flick? GET OUT.
So you know the whole Cheeseburger in Paradise thing? Do you think in paradise, there’s like an endless supply of cheeseburgers to be eaten? Because that would be like a Buffet of Buffett Goodness. Or maybe that actually exists in real life but it exorbitant costs mean that it only exists at Berkshire-Hathaway at the Buffett Buffet of Buffett Goodness. Anyway, what would you rather do, eat at a buffet of goodness or go to the YMCA? Yeah that’s what I thought.
Serge: I honestly don’t even know how to respond to that, but at least YMCA made it to the second round and I’ll take my wins where I can get them. Get Buckets Kobe Wade LeBron wins here. I don’t normally respect self-anointed monikers. It’s too cheesy, but man, the level of mental self-assurance and borderline delusion to go for Kobe Wade off the bat is tantalizing. Kobe Wade is going to win this bracket based on confidence alone. You can figure out the extinct animal showdown on this one, but I still say Happy Feet is a better idea for a penguin relative nickname.
Brandon: I mean, you realize there are still pandas AND penguins in the world right? Have you even been to a zoo? Matt Damon and ScarJo literally bought a zoo. Did you know that Matt Damon is apparently nicknamed Red Alert? Yeah, that one’s not making it out of Dayton.
Anyway Big Penguin is apparently a disputed nickname since Andre Miller also tries to call himself that. Andre Miller will always be The Professor no matter what your boy Nicholson says, but he’s older than sin so if he says he was the Big Penguin first then he’s probably right about that too. This one goes to The Panda’s Friend.
Now where’d Matt Damon run off to? I have to go see about a Sweet Sixteen…
Sweet Sixteen will be coming later in the week courtesy of Brandon Anderson so throw a follow his way and keep your eyes peeled for the next part of this article.
In the mean time, if you ever wanted to have a burning basketball (or not so much) question answered, deconstructed, decoded and then turned into a weird metaphor about superheroes or space aliens you can email those questions to basketball@armchairsociety.com and guess what, I’m going to take care of that for you.
