Can You Spare Some Change

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Living Creatively : Part 2

It has been said that, “change is the only constant”. It has also been said that, “the more things change, they more they stay the same”. It says something rather deep and interesting about the nature of change, that both these statements can be true — even simultaneously.

You’d have to be deaf, dumb (stupid, that is), and quite possibly dead, not to know that just about everyone in the world, right now, is calling for change of some kind or another. Your senses would have to be similarly disabled, not to know that for every desired change, there is a battle to maintain the status quo.

• Political conservatives are calling for less freedom, more control structures, and basically want to force everyone to do things their way.
• Political liberals are calling for increased freedom, and more relaxed control structures — as long as everyone does things their way.
• Evangelical Christians, and other religious extremists, are generally speaking, hand-in-glove with the conservatives (wherever they are in the world). In the meantime, they will excuse pretty much any and all abuses of power, immorality and unethical behaviour (as they would normally define it), in hopes of getting what they want. (this is true of all extremists)
• Black people, in the USA and all over the world, are crying out for change with #BlackLivesMatter, because for so many centuries, possibly millennia, black lives have not mattered — at least not in the same way as the lives of their owners, conquerors, colonial masters, Apartheid governments, etc.
• Women are calling for change with #MeToo, and #Time’sUp. They, very rightly, want men to change their attitudes and behaviours in regard to sexual conquest, and sexual abuse. Ideally, they would like that change to come about because men have positively changed how they perceive women.
• While China, and other post-communist societies increasingly embrace a change toward capitalism, much of the rest of the world is beginning to realise the severe down-sides of capitalism, and are calling for economic change that moves away from the excesses and abuses of capitalism. #OnePercent

Of course, change also constantly effects each and every one of us on an individual level.

Sometimes individual change is external, like moving to a different house/city/country, getting a new job, losing a job, meeting a “certain someone”, a break-up/divorce, being deceived, or having a child. Sometimes external changes are positive, and sometimes they’re just horrible.

Here’s the thing though. Whether those external changes are “positive”, or “negative”, they must, and can only be dealt with, by means of internal change.

Whether we experience these external changes as positive or negative, enjoyable or painful, they all, in some way, change us internally, and/or challenge us to change internally.

However much we may sometimes want to deny it, we all know that change is not only inescapable, but also necessary. Even the mother, who looks at her baby, and coos, “You’re so beautiful, I hope you never change.”, would be legitimately out of her mind with worry, if her baby did not change — didn’t grow.

In this article, within the context of living creatively, I’ll be looking at our creative responses to both external and internal change.

I’m just going to look at one aspect of external change — requested/required change. By way of illustration, let me tell you a story.

This morning, on Facebook, a friend wrote an account of an unpleasant, recent encounter. Let me set the scene.

My friend is highly intelligent, spiritually/developmentally strong, creative, and self-disciplined. She is a single mom, who is very successfully raising a daughter (now in her late teens). In terms of photography, entrepreneurship, and running a successful, creative business, she is one of my role-models. It also so happens, that this friend is physically beautiful.

Recently, as she was walking down the main street of a relatively small, seaside town. A man, driving by in his car, shouted at her from his open car-window,
“Hey! Niiiiiice!”
This unexpected, unwanted, and unasked-for comment on her looks, “horrified and disgusted” my friend greatly.

In her Facebook post, she asked men to change behaviours that “objectify, demean, and belittle” women, based on gender, sex, and looks. She acknowledged that not all men are guilty of such behaviour. She also expressed awareness of the fact that the only person she could change was herself, and mentioned her growth in dealing with negative scenarios, such as this.

Here’s the thing.
My friend, very respectfully, asked men to change behaviour that is hurtful to women.
The very first comment (by a man) on her post, said the following :
“The only thing you can change is your reaction. Choice. [it] Is your responsibility.”
Later, the same man, again commented :
“Change. It is as it is. … be responsible for [y]our own actions ...”

I must say that she dealt with him, and his comments far more gracefully than he, or they deserved, or than I would have in her place.

Just in case you truly can’t see where this male commenter got it wrong :

Firstly, he did not, in any way, acknowledge or empathise with my friend’s distress. Instead, he strongly suggested that her response was wrong.

Secondly, he threw responsibility & blame back on my friend —
“Is your responsibility.” & “… be responsible for your own actions”.
He is basically saying that my friend could have, and in fact, should have acted differently to change this scenario. In other words, he used victim-blaming to deflect responsibility from the male aggressor, back onto the female victim of aggression.

Let me state this clearly. Responsibility for abuse of any kind, must never, in any way, be placed upon the victim.

As stated above, I’m just using this little slice of misogyny as an illustration. It clearly shows us two creative responses to change, and one destructive response to change — victim-blaming.

I’m just going to focus on the two creative responses :

1. Requesting change
2. Self-change

Requesting Change

Requesting change, while always remembering that I am the only person I can change, this may, at first, seem contradictory. It’s not.

I can request change from others, but I cannot be sure that my request will result in the desired change. Others may, or may not choose to change. I cannot compel change in others, I can only request it, or inspire and promote it by changing myself.

If that is true, then why even bother to request change?

Very simply — Requesting change does two things :

1. It makes others aware that change is desired/needed. This is a necessary first step. A request for change creates the possibility of change. Many relationships break down due to a simple communication failure — Someone wanted/needed change, but didn’t ask for it.
2. Putting a request for change into words, helps the requester. Firstly, a verbal/written request for change, adds a different, greater level of reality to the problem, and the request. (this is the same reasoning behind verbal, public oaths) Secondly, requesting change from another, confirms, for the requester, that this particular change is not their responsibility.

Unfortunately, our society teaches us that asking for change/help is “weak”. “Strong people” don’t request change, they either compel change, or just leave things as they are, and “suck it up”.

By the way, compelled change, is never creative change. Compelled change destroys by creating anger and frustration, and at best, promotes devious behaviour.
(more on this in my future article in this series on creative parenting)

Because change, in our society, is usually required/compelled by the strong, rather than requested by the weak, requests to change are often perceived as threatening, and treated as a personal attack.

Unfortunately, this means that far too often, requests for change are ignored, denied, defended, turned back on the requester, or even mocked.

None-the-less, requesting change of others is a necessary and creative action, whether there is a positive response, or not.

Self-Change

Self-change is the area of change in which we have the most control. It is also therefore, the most challenging area of change.

When I focus solely on self-change, then I can’t blame anyone else for my “failures”. When I focus solely on self-change, only I am responsible for the entire change process.

Self-change, if you’re doing it right, can be a frightening prospect.

In spite of this, self-change is absolutely necessary, and also completely unavoidable.

You may hate the thought of change. You may think you’re fine just as you are, and refuse to change. “Accept me as I am, or not at all”. If this is you — and it’s all of us to some extent — then you’re really not going to like this next sentence.

Refusal to change is still change. If we do not actively choose to positively change ourselves, external circumstance will change us — usually negatively.

It is not possible to remain internally unchanged in the face of external change. Change happens. We can either choose positive, conscious, self-motivated change, or we can be changed in ways that we don’t choose, and may not like.

If change is going to happen anyhow, I’d much rather have some say over how I change.

So, how do I choose positive, conscious, self-motivated, internal change in response to (possibly negative) external change?

• Firstly — Recognise what I can and can’t, change.

This is extremely simple in theory, but (often) horrifically difficult in practice. I know, from extensive personal experience, that negative changes in external circumstances generally result in one response — We try to change the circumstances.

If someone attacks/deceives me, I fight that person. If you become unhappy in your job, you look for a new one. If we become unhappy with where we live, we move.

We’ve all experienced this in some way or another, so we know, that nine times out of ten, changing (or trying to change) the external circumstance doesn’t work.

Early recognition of unchangeable external circumstances saves energy, suffering, and pain, and puts us “ahead of the game”.

The flip-side of recognising what I cannot change, is the realisation that I have almost total control over changing myself.

I can change my responses, my habits, my thoughts, my assumptions, my actions, and basically, everything else about me. This is a massively important realisation.

The biggest problem in changing ourselves, lies not in our inability to change, but in where we focus our energy. Far too often, we waste our energy on trying to change things that we cannot change.

As an over-55, “white”, man in South Africa, I can rant and rail at the unfairness of the job market. Alternately, I can use my energy to change things that I’m able to change.
For instance : I can redefine myself as an creative entrepreneur, rather than an employee. I can grow food for my family, rather than buying it. I can earn small amounts from multiple enterprises, rather than a single, larger amount from one job.

I hope you’re beginning to get the idea. This is really just bare-bones practically. I can waste my energy, trying to change the unchangeable, or I can learn to identify what I can change, and focus my energy on that — 99% of the time, changing myself.

• Secondly — Be willing to change

Being wise enough to know what you can and cannot change is one thing, but it’s quite another to be willing to change.

Our society persistently, and effectively hammers home the message, “Be yourself”, “Don’t change for anyone”, “I am who I am — take me or leave me”, etc.

Most people either believe that it’s wrong to change oneself, or that it might even be impossible —
“Once a ????, always a ????” (insert label of choice), “The leopard cannot change it’s spots”, or “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.

Well, your “true self”, as previously mentioned, is constantly changing, and being changed, whether you want it or not. This is an immutable truth. Wouldn’t you rather have some control over how your “true self” changes?

Another societal stumbling block in the path of conscious, positive self-change, is the myth that “change is weak”. We are taught to “stand your ground”, “don’t give way”. As I said earlier, we have been taught, often painfully, that strong people don’t change. Strong people force others to change, and of course, we’d all like to be thought of, and think of ourselves as “strong”.

Here’s a suggestion. Make a conscious decision, that the first thing you’ll choose to change about yourself, is your definition of strength.

• Thirdly — Use your strength/energy for change, wisely.

If you’ve followed my articles for a while, you may know that I’ve been dealing with large amounts of negative change for some time. To be honest — I spent a long time fighting my circumstances, battling to change things I couldn’t change. I completely exhausted myself. I squandered all my strength and energy, trying to do the impossible.

Fortunately, I’m learning.

It’s as simple as this. We all have limited strength and energy. Use it where it is most effective.

The Unexpected Bonus

Yes, aside from the peace, contentment, positive changes, and various other internal benefits of conscious, purposeful self-change, there is also an unexpected, and even counter-intuitive, bonus benefit.

As you change, people around you also begin to change the way they relate to you. Then, they begin to change, and so, your circumstances begin to change.

There are complex psychological and sociological explanations for this phenomenon, but I’m going to ignore them for now.

Suffice to say, that individualism is a destructive myth, and we are all far more deeply connected to each other than we realise. Changing one ingredient in this social stew, initiates changes in the whole stew.

It is a widely recognised fact, that internal self-change also creates/initiates change in our external world.

This article is already far longer than I’d planned for it to be. But I think I must at least try to tie things up neatly before I finish.

• Change is an inescapable constant.
• We all experience external change, and internal change.
• Internal change can be prompted by external change/circumstance, or by ourselves.
• Change is destructive when we (a) fight the unchangeable, (b) deny, or try to stop external change, (c) deny our need to change consciously, and/or (d) require/force change from others.
• Change is creative when we (a) request external change without force or manipulation, (b) primarily focus our energy on positively, consciously and purposefully changing ourselves.
• Creative self-change, often overflows into positive, creative change in our environment.