Krampus on the Shelf
Like Elf on the Shelf, only updated for the 2016 Holiday Season
How to play:
Leave a bowl of raw meat out for Krampus to consume each night. Tell the children that Krampus is a lot like Santa Claus, only with more powerful lobbyists and better, far more expensive, lawyers. Each night, let your Krampus doll make mischief, and you will see your children’s eyes grow large as they observe the magic of this extraordinary season.
December 1:
Krampus urinates all over the toys that were not put back into their toy bins.
Warn the children: this is what happens when you are not tidy.
December 2:
Krampus sets fire to a child’s favorite blanket.
Warn the children: this is a mere taste of life in a corporate setting.
December 3:
Krampus shatters the television with a club.
Warn the children: beware those who would decide what information you consume.
December 4:
Krampus steals the heads from all the household dolls.
Warn the children: Their educational indoctrination has already begun. Advise them to be vigilant.
December 5:
Krampus draws a pentagram of coal dust in the middle of the living room floor.
Warn the children: choose your gods wisely.
December 6:
Krampus drowns the Elf on the Shelf in the toilet.
Warn the children: Santa is not the most powerful being watching over them.
December 7:
Krampus sends Mommy away. Her return is not promised.
Warn the children: this is what happens when you don’t say thank-you.
December 8:
Krampus leaves a dead sparrow on each child’s pillow.
Warn the children: this is what will happen if we ever get a cat.
December 9:
Krampus disembowels a treasured stuffed animal.
Warn the children: we should leave Krampus more meat, because if we don’t he shall seek his own.
December 10:
Krampus installs night-vision cameras in each of the children’s bedrooms, pointed at their beds.
Warn the children: the age of the Panopticon has dawned.
December 11:
Krampus pours acid all over the lawn.
Warn the children: this is what happens when there are no environmental regulations.
December 12:
Krampus bites the children about the face.
Warn the children: without vaccinations, we would all be werewolves right now.
December 13:
Krampus steals all the food.
Warn the children: you must use your gnawing hunger as motivation for enacting global change.
December 14:
Krampus fires Daddy from his job.
Warn the children: a nomadic life will be difficult, but there is nobility in survival.
December 15:
Krampus closes school. Education will now be delivered via CD-ROMS from the nineties.
Warn the children: when costs are cut to the bone, everyone bleeds.
December 16:
Krampus blackmails Grandma after hacking her phone and discovering a few not-quite-tasteful nudes.
Warn the children: a secret you cannot keep is a secret that can destroy you.
December 17:
Krampus cuts off the electricity.
Warn the children: connection to the grid provides only the illusion of civilization.
December 18:
Krampus does nothing.
Warn the children: a pause in the battle does not mean that war has ceased.
December 19:
Krampus flies a bloody Santa hat like a flag in the town square.
Warn the children: do not believe your heroes are dead until you see their bodies with your own eyes.
December 20:
Krampus declares himself King of all he sees.
Warn the children: a leader with no followers is merely shouting into the void. Resist!
December 21:
Krampus is captured and locked in a rusty cage in the parking lot of the local movie theater.
Warn the children: nobody likes a jerk.
December 22:
Krampus promises to bring back all the jobs and mommies if he is released.
Warn the children: the promises of a desperate creature are worthless.
December 23:
Krampus succumbs to the bitter cold and hunger.
Warn the children: there is no honor in martyring yourself for an evil cause.
December 24:
Krampus’ carcass is devoured by raccoons.
Warn the children: even a low purpose is a still a purpose.
December 25:
Reveal that it was all just a silly joke, open presents.
