Listening is simple but not easy
Follow these guidelines to improve this soft skill
Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen. — Margaret J. Wheatley
I just got introduced to someone a few minutes ago. Before she left the room, I had already forgotten her name. I don’t know why. I swear I was listening. I didn’t feel distracted. I didn’t feel like anything else was on my mind. And yet, I didn’t remember.
How often does this happen?
Listening seems really simple, and it is. However, it isn’t easy. It takes sustained effort daily. Think of listening like a workout at the gym, writing on a daily basis, or eating well. We can’t take a break from it.
Here’s how we can do better.
Listen with your ears.
This is the most fundamental and yet we take it for granted. Whether we realize it or not, we get distracted by other noises in the background. We hear someone else’s voice and suddenly we start listening to that person rather than the one we are in conversation with.
We hear music, a door slam, or a strange clanking noise, and suddenly our ears are going off in a different direction.
What to do instead: While it’s easier said than done, when we hear a distracting noise, recognize it and then let it go. Don’t analyze it or fixate on it. Say to yourself, “Hmm, a noise,” and then let it go.
Listen with your eyes.
Some of us struggle when it comes to eye contact. In some cultures, it is considered poor manners to look someone in the eye. We can also become easily distracted when we see something else visually that pulls our eyes away from the person who is speaking.
I remember being in a meeting with a boss once who told me he was listening to me while he was typing an email on his computer. I didn’t feel heard for two reasons. He was trying to do two things at once (not possible) and he didn’t give me the time of day by looking at me while I was speaking. Guess who I didn’t go back to when I had a question?
What to do instead: If there is a reason for not giving eye contact, I always suggest finding a place on the person’s face to look, like at the forehead or nose. Sometimes I will even look at the person’s mouth. And, while this seems like it should be a no-brainer (but isn’t), don’t do something else while the other person is speaking. Have the decency to give that person your full attention.
Listen with your voice off.
This one sounds pretty much like, “Duh,” right? But let’s see if these scenarios sound familiar:
You’re talking to a colleague. A third person comes up and immediately starts talking to the person you were just speaking with. Rather than stopping the third party, the other person’s attention turns away from you.
Or,
You’re supposed to be listening to a presenter. You and a friend start a sidebar conversation. But it’s okay, because you were talking about something the presenter said. Seriously, what in your brain said this was okay to do? And yet, it happens frequently.
We always think we need to get our thoughts out right away. We don’t think we should have to wait. By doing so, we aren’t really listening.
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. — Epictetus
What to do instead: Keep a notepad or sticky notes with you. If you’re really concerned that you will forget what you want to tell someone, write it down. When you see a conversation going on between two people, stand respectfully off to the side and wait for the conversation to conclude. If it doesn’t look like it will stop for awhile, then jot down what you wanted to tell that person and send an email later.
When it comes right down to it, you’re not the most important person in the room. Unless the building is on fire and butting in will save lives, get over yourself and wait your turn.
Listen with your brain.
This one can be a challenge, because it is so easy to slip into “what am I going to say” next category. As Simon Sinek says,
There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.
There’s an art to listening with your brain, and here’s the hack:
Pick out one thing the other person says that stands out, and then rephrase it back to him or her.
When you take the effort to rephrase it back to the speaker, it shows two important things. One, you made an effort to listen and understand. By not jumping in to add your opinion or give additional information, it shows you were focusing on the other person rather than on yourself. Second, if what you rephrase is incorrect, then it gives the speaker the opportunity to correct the missing pieces.
Another caveat to listening with your brain is to seek additional information from the speaker by asking a question. Again, it throws the ball back into his or her court and shows a genuine interest.
Listen with your heart.
This is the most important of the five parts to being an effective listener. When I teach listening in my elementary school classroom counseling lessons and we review the five parts, this is inevitably the one that comes up first as an answer.
When we listen with our heart, it’s like the other parts coming together to complete the process. They all fall in line when we have genuine respect and caring for the person speaking to us. We can certainly do the other four, but if we aren’t authentic in our listening, the other person will know. Don’t ask me how, but he or she will know. There’s a warmth that comes over a person who feels truly heard.
People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care. — John C. Maxwell.
And it starts with your heart.
Final thoughts.
We take listening for granted, but here’s the deal: most of us don’t do it very well. We think we do, when in all actuality it’s a skill deficit for the majority of us. We need to do a better job of not underestimating the act of listening and its impact on others around us.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. — Leo Buscaglia
Thanks for taking the time to read this piece! I’m an elementary school counselor by day, and I writer 24/7. I love to write about everyday experiences and what we can learn from them. My goal is to add value through simple living and positive vibes.
