We all need patience, time, and presence
This title is not revolutionary
Duh, right?
Of course, we are all in need of patience, time, and presence. However, it seemed more relevant recently as I sat in my office with an angry elementary student.
I don’t know precisely what happened, but I do know the throwing of some office furniture was involved. The moment this student was brought to me, he put himself in timeout by standing in a corner. After about 10 minutes, I asked him to come into my office and he did. He started to play with a toy car he had in his pocket, and I gave him two choices: either put the car back in his pocket or place it on my desk. He put it in his pocket and didn’t touched it again.
I said very little to him. Maybe the lack of interaction was calming for him. That and I had soft piano music playing in the background. Subconsciously, relaxing music has a mellowing effect.
I asked him a question, “How come when I ask you to do something you usually do it?”
His response, “I don’t know.”
On the surface, I’m not sure he does know. I told him if he has an idea then it would probably help others to know how to get him to follow directions when he’s asked to do them.
On another level, I think he does know but doesn’t know how to put it into words.
I’ve known this student for two years. I’ve spent time helping him with homework and listening to his stories. He’s an avid rock collector and so he has a box outside my office to place rocks in when he finds some at recess worthy of keeping. He’s allowed to bring in three each time. He knows the rules and he doesn’t break them.
And I’m not easy on him either. Recently, I lectured him on following instructions. I didn’t yell at him but I was definitely stern.
I’ve pushed him to do his classroom work when he hasn’t wanted to and I’ve yet for him to have a big blow up. I’ve seen the aftermath of his explosions but I haven’t experienced it firsthand.
And I think I know why. This student is not revolutionary. He seeks what all of us seek, and I’ve just been in a position where I’ve been able to give him what he needs.
Time. — During the first year I knew this student, I worked with him on his daily work for the first 10 minutes of the day, 2–3 times a week. It was a struggle for him to work on some days. He came in grumpy or preoccupied at times. Sometimes I reduced his work to account for what I felt he could accomplish during the time frame.
Patience. — Telling me stories about different interests when he needed to be working took patience but it paid off. When you give someone a chance to talk about something of interest to him/her, it shows you care. Kids don’t always say it, but they know when you’re being authentic.
Presence. — When I’m working with this student, I have always felt that I genuinely listened to what he had to say. Sometimes he doesn’t feel like talking (like today) and that’s okay. I’m never going to force a square peg into a round hole.
Here’s the deal. I’m not doing anything revolutionary with this student but in some ways it feels like I am.
Unfortunately, in education, we live in a world of standardized tests, rigid curriculum pacing guides, and rigor in academics. Not kidding. The word ‘rigor’ is bandied about in elementary education where it doesn’t belong.
We’ve lost sight of taking time with students, because we “don’t have time.” There’s too much “to do.”
And because there isn’t time, there are more students coming in who don’t have control of their emotions. Educators aren’t in tune with the individual needs of their students because there’s too much going on for them to be able to spend time with kids. It’s out of their control.
Administrators are dealing with behaviors so often that a day without them feels foreign. Rarely do they get to develop relationships with kids. They are in the constant role of disciplinarian.
Sure, a teacher might be able to tell you about the hardships and gossip ABOUT a child’s life but not have the faintest idea about her hopes and dreams, who her friends are, or what her interests are.
There are plenty of my 360 students I teach classroom counseling lessons to twice month that I’m not in tune with either, but the ones I do know well are the ones I have the fewest issues with during times of escalation. It’s because I’ve taken the time to know them.
The ones I don’t know well don’t know they can trust me when they are escalating. There’s not a connection. They don’t know I care. I’m a stranger to them for the most part.
And unfortunately, this is becoming more of the norm rather than the exception.
Thanks for reading this piece! I’m an elementary school counselor by day and a writer 24/7. I write about everyday experiences with a positive twist, because that’s how I roll. If my vibe resonates with you, check out my blog Everyday Life Uncluttered and sign up for my newsletter GTI Wednesday. You can find them both here.
