The Perfection Paradox: How Overachieving Becomes Dangerous
Success-driven parenting pushes children to rise to the top… but at what cost?
Imagine, if you will, a child prodigy, gifted in piano and consistently testing no less than five grade levels above her peers. Her parents feel nothing but pride for each of her successes, and when she shines on stage or in the classroom, the hours they spent on the piano bench or drilling vocab seem inconsequential. They feel their doubts melt away; after all, their daughter is special and seems just as happy to succeed as they do.
This may sound like an impossibility, an ideal for parents to strive towards. However, this style of parenting is all too common and all too damaging. Although parents may not see it, children raised primarily on praise for their achievements take on an immense amount of pressure and even subsequent psychological damage.
Of course, I do not intend to undermine the importance of childhood achievement, as sad as that reality may be. Children begin to experience standardized testing, grading, athletic competition, and more within their first years in the classroom. A child’s earliest successes or failures could potentially change their life, so it is natural for parents to encourage their children to work hard, even overtime, to succeed. However, problems arise when they push too far and nurture too little, consciously or not. Even done with the best of intentions, “excessive parental aspiration can be poisonous”(Murayama et al.).
One of the most dangerous side effects of this “poisonous” parenting style, young children pushed too far to succeed are often at risk for serious mental health issues, delinquency, and even alcohol and drug abuse down the road (Robert Wood Johnson Foundation). This troubling symptom of early over-achievement can be observed in prestigious schools, where students “can suffer significantly higher rates of anxiety, depression, substance abuse and delinquent behaviors, at least two to three times the national average”(Wallace). Furthermore, similar patterns occur in young athletes under pressure, as many experience physical and mental burnout alongside mental health issues similar to their academically-focused counterparts(King).
Beyond the effects on their mental health and subsequent behaviors, children pushed too far to achieve find themselves at an enormous disadvantage in emotional development. Author and educator Naomi Katz explains, “Kids who are raised to be academic powerhouses, often learn that the last thing on their agenda is to develop emotional intelligence, to really invest energy in developing meaningful relationships. Too often, they learn that their peers are their competition, rather than their support system”(Katz). Thus, they struggle to form bonds with other children, lacking in both empathy and fundamental social skills. Moreover, parental relationships are put at high risk when success is valued above all, taking away the child’s only emotional support system. It is only logical that with such an emphasis on achievement, children may feel that their foundational relationships are transactional rather than genuine and avoid opening up so as to preserve their “perfect” image. Thus, the rift between parent and child continues to grow.
Along with their worsening mental health and increasingly unstable relationships, it is natural that children pressured to succeed would struggle with identity issues. After years of conditioning from parents that success is their defining characteristic, they begin to spiral when faced with self-esteem and image. What value do they have beyond their high test scores or their athletic ability? Is self-exploration worth the risk of rejection? It is impossible for them to tell. Worst of all, they are effectively alone in their struggle. Despite how virtuous parents’ intentions may be, any child who feels love is dependent on success can never truly learn self-acceptance.
So, what can be done to ensure these children’s well-being? In the case of childhood achievement, the solution lies in empathy. When parents prioritize children’s character over their success, they have been proven to see “better outcomes at school, greater mental health and less rule-breaking behavior” (Wallace). However, this does not mean rejecting achievement from the narrative outright. Instead, Yale University’s Robin Stern suggests parents “take another look at what it means to achieve”(Stern).
Much like Stern, I implore current and future parents alike to take action in their own households, to broaden standards for success beyond academics or athletics and move emotional intelligence to the forefront of the conversation. I ask that they commit to placing the value of their children’s character over the value of their achievements. And above all, I urge all parents to take the utmost care in educating themselves on youth mental health. Once equipped with the knowledge of their child’s struggles and the tools to confront them head-on, parents can finally foster a healthy bond with their children rooted in trust and understanding. After all, with a strong foundation, a child becomes capable of love, empathy, and even healthy, self-motivated achievement they never imagined was possible.
Works Cited
Geisz, Mary, and Mary Nakashian. “Adolescent Wellness: Current Perspectives and Future Opportunities in Research, Policy, and Practice.” Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, 1 July 2018, www.rwjf.org/en/library/research/2018/06/inspiring-and-powering-the-future--a-new-view-of-adolescence.html.
King, Jennifer. “Early Sports Specialization & Burnout in the Young Athlete.” Hawaii Pacific Health, Hawaii Pacific Health, 22 Nov. 2019, www.hawaiipacifichealth.org/healthier-hawaii/live-healthy/early-sports-specialization-burnout-in-the-young-athlete/.
Murayama, Kou, et al. “Don’t Aim Too High for Your Kids: Parental Overaspiration Undermines Students’ Learning in Mathematics.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 111, no. 5, 2016, pp. 766–779., https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspp0000079.pdf
Wallace, Jennifer Breheny. “Perspective | Students in High-Achieving Schools Are Now Named an ‘at-Risk’ Group, Study Says.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 24 Oct. 2019, www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/09/26/students-high-achieving-schools-are-now-named-an-at-risk-group/.
