The Long-winded Boggart
School was more-or-less manageable, almost surprisingly so. I’ve really felt a big shift in my level of giving-a-crap from starting med school until now though. “70 MD, baby” has pretty much become the mantra for my studying, and the epitome of my motivation. I can’t deny that I sometimes worry how this will translate to clerkship, but I also can’t imagine I’m the only one whose gone through first and second year feeling this way.
I think what’s been more unsettling for me this year was all the stuff happening outside of school. This is a pretty messed up world we’re living in, and it’s been stressing me out. I mean, from the countless cases of police brutality to the Donald winning the election to the chaos in Syria and Aleppo to Dr. Fric being murdered by her neurosurgeon husband… and Carrie Fischer just died… seriously, what the fuck, 2016. It’s challenging enough to pass med school exams and keep up with extracurriculars. There are definitely moments where I feel humanity is falling apart and I’m trying to keep it all together as a rosy picture in my head. And I haven’t even started taking care of patients yet! But what’s the alternative? Blissful ignorance? I could completely disengage with the world outside, but where would that leave me? The events of the world weigh heavy on my conscience but I’m also frustrated by my inaction, a behaviour I feel I’ve grown accustomed to. But there’s only so much we can do, right? I mean, I can’t be a functional medical student AND a political activist (among other things), can I? Maybe it’s a Type A thing, this feeling a need to patch every hole in the sky and to be the greatest-at-everything-or-else-I’ll-die-and-be-forgotten-in-the-inevitable-heat-death-of-the-earth-and-universe… Sorry, that was dark… But that’s exactly where it all weighs heaviest, because I want to help everyone but I’m learning that I can’t, and that in some areas I just need to care less, or else I’ll drive myself crazy. I’m choosing to feel the entire weight of the world, instead of choosing to focus on one (or two) specific problems and make those the focus of my energies and concerns.
Anyways, that’s enough ranting… I really need to sit down and properly figure out these thoughts.
