1,2, 3 Check In

Although I promised to continue my thoughts about Black Panther, I cannot this week. If I’m being honest with you all and myself, I am tired. Not tired in the sense that a quick nap would give me the energy to get through this next moment. But tired in the sense that I’ve been tirelessly working to make good grades since the first grade and I’m struggling to make it through the rest of the semester.

Some may want to dismiss my current state as a symptom of senioritis. However, I beg to differ with this assumption. The feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, and constant exhaustion have been a part of my routine since the sixth grade. Before entering middle school, I attended a school that did not challenge me and my mother felt that it was appropriate to place me in a pre-collegiate middle school and high school. With this change came a new demand that I don’t think I was ever prepared for.

Most parents want the best for their children by sending their kid off to a prestigious school and later, an even more prestigious university. However, I don’t think that parents know how to best support their children during these strenuous academic years. Yes, they care, but they may never completely understand the weight of attending a well-known school and wearing your family’s, the school’s, and your personal expectations.

I’m tired.

With my academic career finally coming to a close (…I think…nah, I’m sure), I’ve been very reflective and honest with myself. I’m tired because I’m not involved with things and classes that I’m passionate about. For so long, I’ve tried to put myself in categories and boxes that I’ve felt would be the right fit. But deep down, I always knew that it was not the right choice. Many other students fall into this situation too. They choose majors that are expected of them and will look good to others. It’s an easy trap to fall into and once you’re in, you’re in.

So how am I digging myself out of this trap?

I’m getting to know myself all over again. I’m learning what Destiny likes and hates. This process did not happen overnight. It took my grandfather’s death in 2016 to spark my drive to get to know myself. Being alone causes you to have to look into yourself and see the parts of you that you have silenced. As a result of school, I’ve silenced the creative part of myself.

Before my grandfather’s death, I was going through the motions of class, sleep, and work. Life didn’t have much color for me. I was stuck in this cycle that I was desperately waiting to escape, but I didn’t know how. Losing my granddad hurt, but his absence inspired a new wave of creativity and commitment to living my life to the fullest.

During my rediscovery, I lost and released a couple of people that I considered to be friends at one point, but for one reason or another, they did not support me when I needed it most. I was just tired.

From my tiredness comes a drive to rediscover myself. I know I’m tired now, but I have my whole life ahead of me to finally explore what it means to be Destiny. And I’m ready for the tiredness of college to end.