7 Painful Ways Masking Hides My Autism
There’s more to me than meets the eye
Masking my autism was the only way to survive, to fit in with others, to be loved and accepted. I learned from a young age that my parents’ love was conditional on the basis that I would become the version of myself appropriate for them and who met their needs. And so, whilst I did show signs of autism as a toddler, my autism was hidden for twenty-seven years; my mask was unbreakable until the moment I became a mother.
As I grew into a teenager and young adult, my ability to mask my needs and autistic traits became more sophisticated until I became someone I didn’t even recognise behind closed doors. However, masking came at a great cost; my physical, emotional and mental well-being was slowly being sacrificed, and I was withering away in plain sight. I became crippled with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, infections, and addiction to painkillers, and I started to develop chronic migraines.
Looking back, I don’t believe that masking my needs and authenticity was a worthy cause, and I am on a journey to uncover my true identity and become unapologetically autistic.
Here are all the ways that masking hid my autism for 27 years:
- Forcing eye contact