A dysphoric mess — Current Feelings of an Autistic nonbinary trans man

Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash

TW & CW: discussion of complex emotions around dysphoria, some self-misgendering, body parts, etc.

G-d,

I feel so fucking angry and frustrated with my own body, the body that doesn’t feel like my own yet,

with the transphobic thoughts and words from others planted so deeply into my mind without me realising, and the honest emotions I hide from both myself and others, which cause me resentment and shame, and anger as well.

Those feelings I cannot stand, the dysphoria, trans imposter syndrome and the denial I fucking downplay out of still wanting to hold out for those who don’t accept me as the man that I am. But, I am also working on cutting off and leaving no room for people who choose their narrow-minded and bigoted beliefs over having genuine human decency, and only leaving room for people who are willing to change and care.

The birth breasts on my chest do not feel right anymore, nor were they supposed to be a part of my body (and they don’t feel right to me, but I am neutral with them sometimes), but here they are until they are surgically removed for both dysphoria and personal medical reasons.

I sometimes cannot stand seeing the curves on my body that do not feel right, the way that my voice feels sometimes (because I feel that I am lacking in giving myself either voice training or that I am doing my own version of voice training instead of the usual tips for it), and also feeling like I want my body and facial hair back (yet I used to be fine with having leg and facial hair removal when I cosplayed as a girl back then).

But… I need to be clear. I do not have to hate or love my body, and that’s more than enough for me. What I need to do is to just accept my body as is since it carries me to places, helps me see shit from my own perspectives, allows me to experience the fuckery known as life, and lets me protect myself from intrusive thoughts, internalised bigotries I’m still working on, and unwanted self-hatred I never asked for in the first place. So body, thanks for keeping a motherfucker alive.

There also isn’t a need for me to hate or love myself and that’s fine too. I also need to learn to only be fine with myself as I am right now. Yeah, I still may be that small child who perceived themself as a girl back then (as I only didn’t know about gender until I bit the piece of an apple that threw me into a knowledge-based wide iceberg of gender) who may not ever see what she imagined me to be as, but she’s going to be laid to rest as she’s suffered enough and will see me becoming the person and man I was meant to be as I go through the lengthy, painful, but necessary process for me to be the man I’m meant to be.