Being Inside your own head: Overthinking about your own flaws actually fucking hurt — Through the Perspective of an Autistic Trans Man’s eyes
TW: brief mention of wanting to die by sleep deprivation, isolation, and caffeine
A/N: Yeah, I am back at it again with my own bullshit I need to air out, and with shit I still need to keep confronting because sometimes I cannot trust myself and my emotions with other people. Anyways, this is something I am going to need to be able to not only heal and help myself, but to also help others as well because I put in too much effort on others and not enough on myself.
I’m writing this so that not only am I continuing to help myself heal, but to also do the things that currently help me vacate the painful shit, pains and even the motherfuckers out of my damn head because… Shouldn’t it be about damn time I gave myself a break from my own head and to spend more time with my trusted persons for once?
I, Raven, need to let my own shit out while also healing as a dude who needs to let himself catch a break from not only his jackass of a mind, but also to vacate (mentally, psychologically and emotionally) any spaces and to let himself not think about anything upsetting his ass for damn once.
Because… the human brain is essentially both an ally for actual radical resistance, but also a real piece of shit towards you and yourself sometimes.
As there are pros to having your own world and to your own mental and emotional environment, sometimes spending too much time in self-isolation (as a valid and rational [mostly] form of self-preservation), in this neuronormative and cisheteronormative society can mentally and emotionally fuck with you, even when there’s still a fuckhole of a pandemic out there.
Sometimes, you even hear shit that makes you uncomfortable, such as wondering about whether or not you wonder if you’re actually the villain of your own story, but also whether or not you’re more of a genuinely kind person broken down by the actions of narrow-minded transphobic and ableist pinfucks out there who keep dragging you down with conservative bullshit until you become miserable enough to want to caffeinate and isolate yourself, and to also deprive yourself of sleep to death… And that can be the most painful shit you’re ever going to experience, but it’s going to be something that’s going to re-occur again and again until you’re in a physical environment that isn’t neuronormative and cisheteronormative, but more freeing and more understanding.
Sometimes it can become genuinely difficult to remember that you have an option to not have to worry about romance in real life if you’ve got past trauma from shitshows of exes you’d rather heal from (as in managing shit to make it easier for yourself, not in the ‘going back to who you used to be’ sense because trauma does rewire your brain in many ways), while trying to maintain and to set any boundaries that are personally realistic to you.
Yeah, I am saying this because I feel genuinely wary of real life romance [referring to it with hypothetical/non-existent romances that aren’t going to happen and I prefer to keep it this way for my Autistic, trans and queer self-preservation and well-being] since there are some dudes and people of any gender(s) out there who won’t respect you for you while playing as ‘supportive’ people as a guy. Yes, that can and will fuck you up (since it’s easy to get harmed at first, but then you organically [at your own pace] get stronger as time goes on). However, there are also both dudes and people of any gender(s) who are genuinely respectful, understanding, and have the genuine human decency to understand what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with.
Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with having limited options because a person is only free to some extent… Which is why I need to let myself make decisions for myself, under the limited options I have in my life so far, and to also learn to trust myself without familial interference planting seeds of self-doubt in me, and without anyone outside of familial interference planting those seeds inside myself, also without them trying to infringe on my own decision-making skills in a legal manner and in a social manner because only I can speak for myself. At the same time, it shouldn’t be an excuse for me to not do shit for myself and for my own self-preservation because self-preservation ain’t going to maintain itself… and also to build my own life while in survival mode before I get to a place where I can safely transition in other paths of transition (without worrying about sacrificing people I barely trust in my life and without giving too many fucks about any rhetorical bullshit they’d hypothetically and possibly use to prevent me from continuing to socially transition into myself and to force me to socially detransition for their own miserable asses).
There’s a shitload of philosophical/existential Pandora’s Boxes I don’t want to get too into, nor am I interested as much in getting into because that will lead to more overthinking and overworrying (plus mental anguish) that can and will metaphorically fuck you sideways to Saturday (not saying this in a sexual way at all, gentlefolks).
I haven’t lost hope in myself yet, until I’ve reached rock bottom. I refuse to let that happen anytime soon until I’ve reached a point where I can no longer have any strength left in me. Besides, I need to refuel/recharge any batteries I am going to need to put into effort into myself to begin with.
I still need to keep carrying on, because then I get to show my younger self (who perceives herself as a young girl) the result of what she goes through the older and more disconnected with ‘womanhood’ she becomes, because… her and I didn’t decide to be trans, gay, Autistic, nor queer either, because it’s who I am as an Autistic man who is multigender, nonbinary, gay and queer.
Look, I am the kind of dude who sells his own ass short not because I want to, but I do this since I care more about others than myself and I put others before myself, even their feelings on who I am and what I do for myself at times… Yeah, I’m calling my own ass out, which is mostly the point. I need to not only do this to heal, but also to point out some hypocrisies in myself and also to point out what I still need to heal from for the rest of my life, since there’s past shit that’s manageable to heal from, requires actual rest and a damned temporary break from life’s bitch ass to heal from.
Sometimes, you feel like maybe you’re not meant to exist and maybe you’re just letting yourself down and others around you down without realising it. Sometimes you feel like you aren’t the most luckiest in being able to find a job or to do shit for assignments that accommodate you or others because it feels like you’re not actually doing your best in surviving environments that aren’t made with Neurodiverse folks in mind… Plot twist: you’re doing what you can under an ableist and eugenicist society that hates you and I for existing as we are, and for having difficulty with finding jobs to begin with, plus, not everyone is able to work for their own reasons (and that’s okay too).
Maybe I wasn’t meant to be here in the first place. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be born. Maybe I really am the “bad” kind of different society hates.
People pleasing is already deteriorating me from the inside out and from the outside externally anyway. Whenever I fight back by stepping out of the line of likability, I’m already going to be villainised anyway. It’s like the ‘be yourself’ bullshit only applies to NT people whom are already supported by this ableist jackass of a society, and only backfires on many Autistic people.
I guess I am just going to have to survive what I can and to focus more on what I am capable of doing.
I guess my overthinking, me feeling like absolute shit about myself and even feeling sorry about myself is going to eventually pass and I gotta keep doing what I can to take care of myself.
Thanks for listening… It means a lot. I needed to get this out so that not only would I feel better about myself, but also for anyone who is going through similar internal turmoil while dealing with shit.
