Coliving As An Autistic Person
Coliving isn’t a new concept, but it’s been on the rise for the past 5 years or so. And it has become especially popular amongst digital nomads — people who work remotely and travel at the same time.
If you’re completely unfamiliar with it, simply put, coliving is house sharing. You usually have several adults sharing an apartment or a house. There’s the kitchen and other common areas. And depending on the arrangement, you may also be sharing a bathroom and even the room.
I was first introduced to the world of coliving in 2018. At the time, I wasn’t aware I was autistic and I didn’t really know how to set my boundaries. It was also the first time I was traveling while working remotely. Everything was new, everything looked great, and I kinda failed at it.
It all started the moment I accepted to share the room with another person. I really wanted to go to that location and there were no more private rooms available. So I thought…how bad could it be? We’re not in college anymore, we’re 2 adults.
Spoiler alert: it was bad.
I can’t say my roommate was disrespectful. She was just a…very loud person. She tried to be quiet, but quiet wasn’t part of her personality, I guess. Without sharing the room, I might have enjoyed her bubbly personality a lot. But this way she was taking away my much-needed silent time.
I also had no idea how to generally set my boundaries. I kept trying to spend all my time with people, ignoring my brain’s need for occasional me-time.
The result? After 2 weeks I was so burned out I went pretty much non-verbal and set out on my own for most of the day. And it took over a week to get back to my normal self.
I’d find coworking spaces or cafes where I could sit with my laptop, listening to my favorite song on repeat for a few hours. You know…stimming. Other times, I’d take long walks through the city. Anything to be away from the apartment.
There were many things I still enjoyed. But the experience would’ve been so much better had I set the correct boundaries. Because as nightmare-ish as coliving may sound for an introverted autistic, it can be an amazing experience.
I tried coliving again in 2019. I still didn’t know I was autistic. But armed with the knowledge of all that went wrong the year prior, I made it one of the best months of my life.
How to have a great coliving experience — autism edition
Know. Your. Boundaries.
Then set those boundaries and stick to them.
That’s it. That’s the advice. If you take one thing from this article, let this be the one.
You know your triggers. You know what makes you burn out. Avoid it.
Don’t go thinking things like:
- “It’s only a few weeks.”
- “I’m stepping out of my comfort zone.”
- “I should try to be more outgoing.”
Why?
Well…it is only a few weeks. But do you want them to be amazing or a nightmare?
As for stepping out of your comfort zone… Look, sometimes it’s needed. Progress often happens outside of the comfort zone. But I believe the way you step out of it should be chosen wisely. It can make the difference between progress or an autistic meltdown or burnout. I think it’s a pretty big difference, wouldn’t you agree?
I’ll also tell you another secret. The whole coliving experience will take you out of your comfort zone.
Sure, a lot depends on how you grew up and how you’re currently living. If you’re used to having a house full of people, this experience might be easier. But you’re still living in a house full of strangers, needing to navigate new conversations and new surroundings each day.
Your routines will get messed up. Everything will be new.
There’s no need to push yourself into doing things that don’t feel right. That’s not the healthy way to get out of your comfort zone.
Finally, should you really try to be more outgoing? Sure, if that’s what you want. Be as outgoing as you want to be. The good thing about coliving, is that it will provide all the opportunities you need to work your socialization muscles.
But the moment you feel the need to take a step back. Take. That. Step. Back. I usually need an hour or two as long as I respect all my boundaries. If I push myself too much, I may end up needing a lot more, and even going mostly non-verbal.
Setting healthy boundaries was all it took for me to have the best month of my life. I’d choose the events I’d attend wisely. I’d always set some time away at a coworking space where nobody would disturb me. And I’d usually take at least one walk on my own — either to or back from the coworking space.
Should you tell your coliving buddies you’re autistic?
That’s entirely up to you. During my second coliving experience, I didn’t even know I was autistic. I just knew what boundaries I needed to set to be happy.
I’m currently on my third coliving experience. And the first one since the pandemic. I knew this would be a massive change from the lifestyle I’ve had over the past 2 years, so I decided to come clean right from the start.
I honestly can’t tell you whether it made a difference. I suppose it depends on the people you live with, and the reaction they have. I’m with a very open-minded, accepting group, so everyone just listened to what I had to say and moved on.
Your experience might be different, so do what makes you feel comfortable.
