Adults With Autism and Social Challenges
Everyday Social Challenges as an Autistic
It irks me that I cannot fully understand my difficulties being inside social interactions. Sometimes it’s like, ‘why am I having so much difficulty here? It’s not that complicated’. There are a few specifics I can point to that are definite challenges, such as fast pace of conversation, coming up with things to say in general in order to keep a conversation going, forced eye contact/expressiveness, to name some. But there seems to be something subtler underlying all those things. As I observe people interacting in the moment, I frequently slip off the tracks and am not keeping up. I try to keep on top of things and chime in a normal amount, but it’s just Really Difficult!! It’s frequently the case that it’s all I can do to stay on top of the conversation and process the content (including the meanings, connotations, insinuations, and each individual’s emotions, stances, and expectations).
Is it that my brain is slow in some manner? I’m not stupid…but it sure turns out to look that way sometimes. (It would certainly take some pressure off me if I just told people I have a low IQ :P, in lieu of having to continuously try to live up to the societal image of a capable, relatable person — less undue expectation on me!) Do I not reach some sort of ‘state’ that others do, something that kind of puts them on the same page socially? I have a hunch that I don’t quite possess a certain mode, if you will, with certain mental processes and emotional attunements — some sort of standard ‘social’ setting — where people can more intuitively ‘get’ each other and fluidly interact. Do I just think differently all across the board? Am I indefinitely behind in the development of some mental capacities? Does it just take too much coordination and mental multitasking?
If I look at it from afar, it seems like something I should be able to do. Looking back at certain previous interactions, I’m able to see what I would do and say, how I could be engaged and be more in-tune with the other person; but in the moment, it’s not that way at all. Even right after some exchanges, I can see things differently or with more clarity, and I’ll be like, ‘why didn’t I follow that??’, ‘why didn’t I catch onto that?’, ‘why wasn’t such-and-such element in my awareness?’ That’s something that really sticks out to me — not being well-enough in-tune with people the way in which I observe others being in-tune with each other. People all across the board have this elusive quality that seems to be lacking in myself. Just ‘getting’ where the other person is coming from, seamlessly picking up on what they’re expressing, having this innate ability to effortlessly converse with them.
Alas, normal everyday interaction, with its (for me, anyways) inherent difficulty, takes a toll on me. I can be so exhausted at the end of a social session, sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes so overwhelmed and stressed that my nervous system is ragged and my head is on fire and I’m completely miserable. I know part of that strenuousness stems from my sustained, focused attention on and analyzation of all the little details of the interaction — something that for me is complicated, strongly energized, and can be disorienting. This is something I would not naturally do if it weren’t for my drive to fit in, make a good impression, put other people at ease around me. Otherwise, I’d be there but also kind of in my own mental world, having my own unique experience of the setting, interacting more sparingly or in less conventional ways with those around me — the way I was when I was a kid. But there is a lot of expectation for people to process things in the same way, act in particular ways, experience in particular ways…
I write this post soon after one of those social sessions that was intensely draining on me….but shouldn’t have been….at least, from the perspective of a neurotypical. And from my own perspective as well…because in the past, I would have been able to make it through that social experience all right (maybe not stellar, but all right) if it weren’t for my current state. In this current degenerated state, I have a whole lot less resilience and capacity to process stimuli and am sorely lacking in mental / emotional / physical health. It adds up to more pronounced ‘autistic symptoms’ and sensitivities. I had one big hour-long cry session afterwards, got to feeling better, went to sleep, woke up in the early morning hours where I got to thinking about it again, and got all tense and agitated once more and had another cry session. Such a sad life I lead sometimes; good gosh. This is from playing tennis and trying to converse with a couple new acquaintances, mind you.
Near the end of that social session (oh how slowly the end was coming!!), if my Overself would have let me, I would have shut down. That’s what my body wanted to do…totally….just in the middle of someone talking to me. I guess I have a lot of self-control in that respect, to keep up the guise until death, because hiding certain aspects and struggles is SO ingrained in me. But on the flip side, willpower of that sort does come with its blessings, because the brain is forced to find a way around it. I felt wiped out, and this guy was still talking at me full force. I felt myself waver into a stronger dissociative state and my limits wearing very thin. But a little refocusing, a little gaze averting, a little personal kick in the ass to make it through the conversation and remain in good social standing with them for doing what everyone else can effortlessly do, got me back on my feet with the energy to see it to the end.
But…as I conclude this post, I must admit that I think a significant piece of the distress puzzle lies in our own mindset and reactions. I think one part of improving this life area lies in learning to feel comfortable in your own skin, allowing your little quirks to show, taking it at your own pace. Because in my opinion, a lot of the negative effects that a neurodivergent person feels stem from complications from anxiety and uncertainty and overworking their brain to accommodate those around them. For another thing, it’s very draining to force certain aspects or the appearance of certain aspects. It saps resources that can otherwise be used in opportunities to learn new things and develop yourself. Social ostracization, being judged and treated like there’s something wrong with you, though, has such a profound impact on a person, how else can one manage sometimes? It’s the option between * being involved as your whole authentic self in the moment with a feeling of unsafety and vulnerability with the likelihood for others to look down on you and dislike you for little things because they don’t understand you or you don’t live up to their social expectations, or * being involved and kind of editing parts of yourself so that the interactions are not as choppy and you don’t stick out to people like a sore thumb. But in my personal situation, having across-the-board unwellness in addition to being autistic — why in the world should I expect myself to ‘act normal’?? When I play that game, I’m piling the burden of my autistic challenges and instability double-fold upon myself.
