Forging Your Own Path — Written in an Autistic Perspective
While society preaches that is okay to have your own space, the hypocrisy is their contempt of people who must depend on others is abashing.
TW & CW // mentions of self-doubt, over-worrying and overthinking, trying to not please others but unfortunately I have to since this is an NT society, etc.
Hello everyone!
I wanted to write something personal that has been on my mind since last night, but I’ve already decided that this is what I want to write about to get what feels like a large weight on my shoulder off my chest.
Feeling like I can never please others, even why I try to, work on myself, for example, Trying to appear to be less clingy, in other people’s perception of me. However, truth be told, it is all pretence, as I actually am clingy.
Whenever society preaches about how it is okay to have your own space, they are also being harsh on people who are understandably dependent on others, and I feel like it comes from an individualist perspective (which isn’t always the best most of the time as it can be harmful to others). What they don’t know is that not every society and/or culture believes this.
In some cultures, a person continues to live with their family past entering adulthood until they either marry or if grandparents, parents, etc. pass away, and that is one thing most Western societies forget or don’t understand.
I know that my own parents cannot live forever, and I feel as if I am being too dependent on them. The thing is… I don’t even ask too much of them nor do I ask too much from them. Take it as you will, it’s just me worrying that I’m wasting finances on material and unnecessary stuff that more people need more than me.
Another thing I also want to talk about is how affectionate I can be, but sometimes I don’t trust myself in terms of setting boundaries or other things that people are capable of, but I can tell that it’s my f*cked up thoughts just torturing me and being hard on me.
I just want to point out that some people say to others that “You’re choosing to let your thoughts control you!” which is not only unhelpful but rubs more salt on the wounds of people who do their best to communicate their need for understandable and valid reassurance that the thoughts they’re having aren’t rational without sounding like they’re an attention seeker, in which society hates… If there is one thing I want to tell you, I will say this… There is nothing that society hates more than people who ask for external reassurance about their harmful thoughts for their own healing and survival.
Feeling hard on myself (referring to myself as “me”) whenever I feel like I suck at something
If there is one thing that I relate to more as an Autistic person, it is this, because from my own experience, I have a tendency to be extremely harsh on me even when I f*ck up…
For people who are told that they are being, too hard on themselves, and are told they need to, reassure themselves, while not knowing that it is okay to still appreciate and receive external reassurance, you aren’t alone, and I see you and hear you.
I don’t really have much to say about this except for the fact that I empathise with y’all on this…
Sometimes feeling uncertain about forging my own path, and if I have enough courage to keep fighting during my bad days
Sometimes, I feel proud of my subjective ability to analyse sh*t from my observations and especially my insights in terms of how f*cked up the social service work field is (I’ll eventually have my time to experience this or to see those hypocrisies… maybe if my life allowed me to), but there are times where I’m questioning the purpose of my own existence, especially when I’m feeling like I either should or shouldn’t exist…
However, the kind, but honest words of my real-life friend, my mother, father, and especially one of my online friends, have kept me going in life since I’d rather live for them than for a Society that preaches about the hypercapitalisation of Mental Health, and especially of self-acceptance.
It’s like society wants people to be confident, but not too confident…
Conclusion
I guess I’ll eventually forge my own way, including my own survival as long as I keep myself safe from the institutional teachings of the SSW field, and as long as I learn how to be radical from other radical and ND/Autistic social service workers of all intersectionalities, and especially if I have honest and trustworthy people in my life (unlike the institutional SSW field who continue to make themselves look good) about the dark and f*cked up realities of white and NT society and the carceral SSW field in general, then I will be okay.
If I don’t have any work experience yet, and that’s okay. As long as I have the subjective ability for analysis and for bringing a sh*t load of insights to the surface and especially from what I see from my observations, and as long as my own comfort in terms of my rejection of what I’m being taught in my program keeps growing, then I am good as is.
Thank y’all for listening…
A/N: Deep down, I am internally angry with myself for bringing something that I prefer to keep hidden onto the surface, but on the other hand, I am glad that I wrote about this while getting that off my chest and shoulders.
Sincerely,
A ravenet gremlin and partial dude ❤.
