Imposter syndrome. Are autistic adults more at risk?
A few months ago, I started a series called “Autism Tales”. The stories are meant to be a bit of a memoir — personal stories that showcase the struggles I faced growing up autistic, without knowing that I was autistic.
At the beginning of October, I set a goal: to write at least one story per month. Here we are, the 7th of December, when I’m writing this, and I’m nowhere near writing a second story.
I started multiple times with different ideas, yet nothing came of them.
I have a long list of stories I want to write. But every time I sit down to write, doubts wash over me.
“Is this story even worth telling?”
“My life is not that interesting to write memoirs.”
“Am I autistic enough to write such a series?”
“Is this story about autism at all?”
The doubts go back time and time again to two major themes. Doubting I’m “autistic enough” and doubting my story is worth telling.
I’m not someone who takes risks. Maybe it’s autism or maybe it’s paranoia, but I go over all likely scenarios in my head before attempting something new. And if half or more of those scenarios end in negative results, I will not even attempt it.
So I’ve always seen my life as boring. Whatever adventures I had, I never felt like they were “cool” enough to write about them.
Then there’s the autism part. As I shared a while back, I don’t have an official diagnosis. In my country, pursuing one as an adult is nearly impossible.
You can try, but no one really believes adults, especially those who weren’t diagnosed as children, can be autistic. So there’s zero point in going that route.
I’m now seeing the 3rd therapist who 100% agrees I am autistic. Yet, here I am, still doubting whether I am autistic enough to share my stories.
And then it hit me. I’m struggling with good ol’ imposter syndrome.
Curiosity got the best of me. So I started doing what I do best — research! I read every article I could get my hands on and met with experts. I had to know.
Are autistic people more prone to imposter syndrome?
First, I wanted to understand the imposter phenomenon better, so I spoke with Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho LSW, LCADC, CCS, CCTP, who told me:
The imposter phenomenon (IP) was first coined in the 1970s by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, and it remains a widely-studied topic in the field of mental health. It is defined as a pervasive and almost inescapable feeling that one does not deserve one’s successes and has fooled everyone about it. Notably, IP is common among high-achieving individuals who struggle with perfectionism, and this is especially true for individuals on the autism spectrum.
Imposter syndrome is extremely common among autistic people. So I’ve asked about it in various support groups. To my surprise, even those who had a formal diagnosis sometimes doubted themselves and their autism.
Clarissa, age 37, diagnosed at 32, told me:
I have days when I think my doctor got it wrong. Or maybe I was so convinced when I went in for my assessment that I manipulated the results. It doesn’t matter that even my mom was part of the assessment and I scored very high. I still have days when I think “what if I’m just a lazy weirdo, seeking attention?” It’s really bad on some days. And then on others, I’m super comfortable in my skin and I trust the diagnosis and who I am.
This is a very common answer. Many people feel they’re faking it. And the truth is… we are. Except it is not autism that we’re faking. We’re masking to hide our autism and look more like what society deems “normal”.
How does masking fit in with imposter syndrome?
Heather Wilson LCSW, LCADC, CCTP explains:
It’s possible that some people with autism may feel like imposters because they have had to mask their true selves in order to fit into a neurotypical world. This could lead them to doubt their accomplishments and identity, even though they should be proud of themselves for being resilient and adapting to difficult situations.
I don’t know about you, but that sure sounds familiar to me!
The truth is, if you mask well enough and long enough, you come to a point where you doubt everything about yourself. And for those who are diagnosed (or self-diagnosed) later in life, this can be even more challenging.
You spend your entire life trying to fit in, masking those traits that make you “weird”. Without being aware of your autism, there’s a good chance you’re not fully aware that you’re masking at all.
I always knew that I was, in a way, masking. That I was changing my persona according to where I was or who I was with. But I thought it was something necessary that everyone did.
I remember one time mentioning what I was doing to a friend (without using the word masking) and I was shocked to learn she’d never even considered doing that. She was also shocked that I thought it was normal, or at least common.
The point is, masking becomes so ingrained in who and what you are that you don’t know how to be anything else. You might also end up not really knowing who you are, doubting everything, and feeling like an imposter.
Unmasking is no easy feat and can bring more problems with it.
“The disconnect between how they have come to be in the world and how they feel inside can result in intense imposter syndrome among autistic adults.”, says Dr. Corrie Goldberg, a licensed clinical psychologist.
She goes on, “It can take time and care for autistic adults to unpack what are essentially the behavior habits that they have been taught to adopt, and figure out who they are at heart so that they can realign how they feel inside with who the world sees them as on the outside.”
So, what do we know so far?
- Autistic imposter syndrome is common. It can make you doubt your worth, your knowledge, who you are, and even your autism.
- Masking plays a huge role in imposter syndrome, especially in those diagnosed (or self-diagnosed) later in life.
- Unmasking takes time. It’s not an instant cure for imposter syndrome, but it is a step in the right direction.
What can you do if you struggle with imposter syndrome?
In my experience, talking to other autistic people is a tremendous help. There’s something comforting in knowing you’re not alone. Being autistic and constantly trying to fit into the neurotypical world can be draining and confusing.
Imposter syndrome or not, finding “your people” can help you come out of your shell. If there are no autistic people around you, online groups are just as helpful. It’s all about finding a space where you can openly talk about how you feel without fear of judgment, knowing that people actually get it.
Dr. Corrie Goldberg feels patience and honoring our feelings are crucial steps we must take.
I would advise autistic adults to have grace with themselves and create space for self-discovery to unfold over time. I would also suggest that they honor feelings such as anger, grief, fear, and sadness that may come up in the process of discovering who they are and who they have been suppressing for many years.
If they are struggling, support groups of other autistic adults, or working with a neurodiversity-affirming therapist can help them gain a more authentic sense of self in a safe setting, and feel like less of an imposter.
I would also add that you need to acknowledge your feeling.
The autistic imposter syndrome isn’t going anywhere just because you refuse to think about it.
Then, with small steps, start getting out of that comfort zone and doing what your imposter syndrome is stopping you from doing.
In my case, that something was diving into research and writing this article. I may not be writing my next “autism tale”, but I’m coming to terms with how and why I’m feeling.
For you, it might look different. But the goal is the same. Break the pattern of doubt and start feeling safe in your own skin.
