QUARANTINE, COVID-19, TWITTER HELL, AND EXPLORING GENDER
My Thoughts on the Year 2020
It’s been a Hellhole of a year.
TW & CW //
Mentions of self-hate, mention of NT standards of self-acceptance and self-discovery, “TERF” mention, COVID-19 mention, including a conflict between one of my family members, death mention, Discord ex-friend betrayal mention, pointless webinar assignment BS mention, bodily hair removal mention, police brutality and racism mention, chest mention, surgery mention from when I was 15, etc.
Hello everyone, and I am back at it again! This time I’ll be sharing my thoughts on the year 2020 from more of a personal perspective. Additionally, I encourage y’all to share your perspectives with me along with your thoughts on this hellhole of a year so far…
Beginning of this year
At the beginning of this year, I went about the typical routine of my college days as I was still in my second semester. Taking the bus and subway, or some days my mum drove me to my classes.
On my way to classes or after classes, sometimes my mum and I would stop along the way to buy Bubble tea. The Tapioca balls in the drink, commonly referred to as boba pearls, were used to make shaved ice desserts that were combined with syrups, chewy rice balls, or beans. While milk tea was also usually consumed back in Taiwan, it is unclear who first came up with the idea to combine both the Boba pearls and milk tea together, which transformed into the delicious drink that is popular outside of East and Southeast Asia today.
It was almost “reading week” (Spring Break in the U.S.), so my family and I were preparing to go to Florida to heal our bodies with the Warm Mineral Springs Park. We go there to heal our bodies when we can, because the services at the place are expensive, meaning that it’s only affordable for people who are able to afford expensive services such as a spa, massages, and so forth. The water there helped the eczema on my hand a lot. It was a long drive to Florida and I remember my mum telling me that she saw a homomisic ad, as I will rephrase in my words.
I was thankful that I was asleep for some sectors during the long drive from Ontario to Florida because at least I dodged some bullets there and at least I won’t have to deal with any ultra-religious BS. I didn’t hear about the COVID-19 pandemic until after my mum and I drove back to Florida along with my older sibling who took a plane to Florida and came back with us by car. I couldn’t really imagine how difficult it would eventually become since it was only the beginning of hell.
Throughout the Pandemic of Hell
At the start of the pandemic, I unfortunately still had Twitter. Unfortunately, Twitter is infested with toxicity in that along with persisex, allocishetero, abled, and NT dudebro anime fans, it also includes alt-right fascists, Ultraconservatives, and TERFs.
I remember a time where I nearly drank a soup broth raw, and my older sibling was angry at me for being “foolish”, which was understandable since I wasn’t in a good mindset to understand that it was still raw and unsafe to drink and also because I had a sore throat.
I felt ashamed of myself for forgetting to ask and when my older sibling refused to gently guide me. He was also understandably pissed since he was also dealing with his own issues as a lawyer in life and the only thing that he could eat was soup with sweet potato noodles or Dangmyeon in Korean.
He told me to not do it again, so I went to his room and told him that what he said made me feel bad, to which he responded: “Only you can choose how you feel”. I know it is fucked up and ableist, yet there he was doing it, and I angrily and hurtfully whispered: “It will take a long time to love myself”. In reply, he said: “Work on loving yourself.”
This is exactly the type of situation where I have a knee-jerk reaction to Mental and Emotional health advice given by NT people because I know that this shit causes more emotional and mental harm to people who aren’t NT than to anyone else.
I felt hurt, ashamed of myself, and angry at the same time, so I relied on the support of a trusted friend who understood that I meant no harm in this action. The next morning, I became hostile and angry towards my older sibling to the point where I realised how badly I fucked up in terms of my hostile attitudes towards him.
I wasn’t going to keep putting up with his NT BS, along with his internalised misogyny and racism, which is so apparent as he used the n-word to, in his distorted view “playfully”, refer to his friends to sometimes, along with teasing me that he does this., which I absolutely hate
His misogynistic tendencies of disliking feminism for some BS reason along with other things that are really his own problems, he needs to focus on unlearning and diminishing, including him saying the dreaded r-word, along with the words “crazy”, and “stupid”.
However, as he is my brother I still loved him despite his socially unacceptable views, and I felt hurt badly with his opinion of my not learning anything since he had his own biases in his view of me.
Fast forward to August after I have completed my Indigenous Studies course to busy myself with for the summer, which saved my own ass so that I didn’t go ballistic for having to remain at home much longer. My mental health became ruined by fighting with TERFs on Twitter, or as I refer them: “Trans-exclusionary Reactionary Fascists”, since they will never deserve the title of “radical feminists”, and they never will because of how perisex and allocisheteronormative their fauxminism, often referred to as “fake feminism”, is along with how Eurocentric and white it is.
Before I get into this, I will need to explain how the term of TERF was coined. In an excellent Vox article, they related that their origins go back to the late 2000s.
The term was branched out of 1970s radical feminist circles because there needed to be a term that separated trans-inclusive and intersectional radical feminists who see trans women as women and also as female human beings from the fauxminists.
I refer to TERFs rightfully as “fake feminists” or fauxminists since TERFs are basically fascist trade wives who have a sh*t-load of internalised misogyny along with internalised whiteness and perisexism. This discrimination towards people who are born as intersex, over glorifies people who aren’t born intersex. Hence the term perisex/endosex, because the term “dyadic” can have an ableist connotation.
As week the term ”dyadic” even over glorifies the inherently Eurocentric, Christian/Xtian, and white gender and sex binaries that should’ve never existed since those binaries continue to cause more harm.
Cissexism, which is described as: “Discrimination towards people whose sense of gender identity doesn’t align with their designated sex at birth, such as trans, gender-modal, and enby/non-binary individuals”. Cisgender individuals are not subjected to this discrimination as a cisgender individual’s sense of gender identity is aligned with their designated sex at birth.
There are many anti-trans bigoted clowns as they are still upholding the same patriarchal systems that they claim to be against, yet still continuing to be harmful creeps towards women of all intersectionalities, including trans women since they are female individuals.
Along with their being against sex workers for no reason other than their being one of the privileged bourgeoisie, and being xenophobic/racist as hell, I will add. They falsely claim that they’re being “silenced”, and that it is a slur, because that term literally describes those toxic trade-wife wannabes.
Along with the tremendous amount of detrimental harm and deaths their beliefs and actions cause towards many trans women and to many gender-non-conforming cisgender women as well. Their harm also extends toward sapphic individuals, and many people in the MOGAI community who get harmed by TERF-based beliefs that unfortunately exist in the community today.
Hell, exclusionists and gatekeepers are similar to TERFs in the way that they are exclusionary in terms of who is deemed as “passable” – to their standards. TERFs prefer to call themselves “gender critical”. A Discord ex-friend has made a meme, in which it depicts adorable possums that refer to gender-criticals rightfully as eugenicists since they can also be potentially anti-vaccinators or anti-vaxxers, and they’re also ableist as hell, which is another euphemism that is similar to white supremacists or white fascists calling themselves “race realists”.
During the time of when I used to have Twitter, I started to explore my pronouns along with my gender identity, and it went from non-intersex and cisgender lady (I’m cringing at that sorry) to non-intersex and a demigirl (partially identifying as a girl), and demiboy (partially identifying as a boy) to a non-intersex and demigender person and boy.
Since then, I refuse to go back from exploring myself in the future because I am happy with those terms for myself and honestly, f*ck what my in-real-life family thinks of this since I know that I cannot change their conservative and personal beliefs on gender identity because this starts with them.
I’m already doing the hard work for unlearning internalised perisexism, cissexism, heterosexism, and so forth (I’ve already taken the next step by accepting that I will have some days where I feel as if I don’t have the spoons to keep doing more than this, and there will be some days where I feel content with myself for doing the best that I can to unlearn with the number of spoons I have), and honestly, I am fine the way that I am and I don’t need to change myself unlike a certain NT person in my life who thinks otherwise because that has to do with his subjective perception of me, not myself.
I also need to say that this NT society is the one who needs to change their ironic and hypocritical BS since they want to be both ironic and hypocritical in providing their BS versions of “self-love” and “self-growth” as a society that should’ve done better, but decided not to. I’m honestly glad to myself that I started exploring myself because if I didn’t, then I’d be some boring-ass person who isn’t me and I wouldn’t be even me and I’d still be trapped in having to please NT b*stards along with non-intersex and allocishetero clowns who only want me for how I am able to act as “NT’ (gross) to please them.
I have also accepted the fact that it is, and forever a bad idea to even tell my in-real-life family to use my they/them and he/him pronouns because they still want to see what they want to see (me masquerading as a “lady”) since I don’t wish to talk about what happened last times. For example, having an argument with one of my family members while I was being driven to my bodily hair removal appointment, along with two of my family members and one of them not even supporting me and wanting me to not disengage with them while I was feeling hurt (which was a dick move of them, and no I will not mention any names).
Anyways, during one day in August, while not knowing that it was my last day on the hell-site known as Twitter, I fell into a trap (that was used by a self-proclaimed “ally”) that resulted in my getting permanently suspended by it since the “ally” turned out to be a transmisic bigot.
I’ve now realised that I wasn’t at fault for taking the bait (as one of my Discord ex-friends put it when I told faer [said ex-friend went by fae/faer pronouns] about that incident), but it was actually the fault of the fake “ally” who was protected by Twitter since Twitter protects bigots, TERFs, fascists, alt-right clowns, and more.
That incident was detrimental towards my mental and emotional health since I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and in internal agony from Twitter only protecting bigots and TERF clowns.
Fast forward to September, October, November, and December (this month), I’ve had to deal with pointless webinar assignment bullsh*t (as I’ve talked about in detail last time), along with seeing my classmates suffer from the lack of consideration.
I’ve seen from one of my professors (who went by she/her), and she wasn’t even considerate about the technical problems and the personal issues that my friends and peers had to deal with since they’re dealing with family members dying – People, they know in their life, including a professor that another one of my friends disliked for a valid reason.
Her professor got COVID-19 and was also dealing with other sh*t that she didn’t deserve since she is one of the best people to have ever existed. I’m glad to G-d (or Hashem as Jewish people refer to God as, and there is a dash between “G” and “d”) that she is one of the largest parts of my life. I’ll refer to her as C for privacy reasons. So, C, if you’re reading this, I want to let you know that I wouldn’t be able to have the strength to keep going during this sh*t-show of a pandemic without you, and I am thankful that you’re here with me right now.
Fast forward to Hanukkah, I was dealing with an in-group chat conflict, and I was listening to one of my trusted online friends because I understood him and I knew how honest he actually was, unlike one of the admins who turned out to be a toxic TERF (the person goes by it/its pronouns) because he also told me the truth that it didn’t even practise what it preached because it didn’t even check its own biases nor its own internalised misogyny.
I am completely thankful to myself that I made the protective decision (by instinct) to listen to him about it because if I didn’t, I would’ve never been able to live with myself, nor even forgive myself. It was tough because one of my Discord ex-friends betrayed me, and also because fae was completely manipulated and groomed to kiss and lick its boots.
My final thoughts on this hellhole of a year (TM)
After I was finished with this previous semester, I was thankful that I even have temporary freedom to do whatever made me happy, but at the same time, I was also lucky to have the opportunity of being in a mentoring program for my college (so that is another good thing).
My final thoughts on this year were that this year was both bad and good.
I’ll start off with reasons on why this year was bad…
1.It had Some Losses Along with a Sh*t-load of Disappointments
This takes the cake for me since I hated how bad events in 2020 — For example, a large amount of xenophobia towards individuals of Asian heritage, that happened at the beginning of the pandemic, everything closing down, but it was needed since the curve needs to be flattened anyway, etc.) along with how shitty a hand the entire world was dealt with in life.
It was full of emotional and mental agony for me since I was going ballistic from having to stay home during quarantine (but that’s fine since I have to stay home to ensure that I’m helping with flattening the curve)
I was also dealing with ex-friend drama for both in-real-life ex-friends (my f*ck-ass of a clown ex included) from high school at the beginning of July and for my Discord ex-friends during Hanukkah this month.
I was also familiar with family thinking that I’ll still be NT for them, but I will have to admit this:
It is better to be yourself and to be fine the way you are than to keep pleasing NTs with their bull-sh*t versions of self-acceptance and self-discovery along with them telling us to change so that they want us to please them and their toxic ableist sh*t that they are still instilling in society.
3.There was a Sh*t-load of Racism that was still happening before the killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Tete Gully (?), along with many more Black individuals who died from police brutality.
I have to be frank, I do not fully know their life stories, but from what I’ve heard and learnt, and remembered on the ‘net… it’s disheartening and heartbreaking to hear about many innocent Black individuals who’ve died from police brutality along with the white supremacy that the corrupt law systems (both in North America and everywhere else) still have, and it still internally angers me to this day that white individuals literally refuse to educate themselves in terms of the systems that were put in place to only help privileged and white people.
That is all I have to say since I am white and I cannot use my white privilege to speak over Black, Indigenous, and POC voices, because if I do that, then I am contributing to being a part of the problem along with being an agent of white supremacy, along with being an agent of inherent colonial and racial whiteness that I’d rather not be a part of since I’d rather do the work with reflecting on my internalised whiteness, my internalised racism, along with my internalised colonialism, along with unlearning them and fighting against internalised stereotypes that I see from the media and from society’s bull-sh*t.
I’ll also finish off with some reasons on why this year was also good at the same time…
I have to be frank, I do not fully know their life stories, but from what I’ve heard and learnt, and remembered on the ‘net… it’s disheartening and heartbreaking to hear about many innocent Black individuals who’ve died from police brutality along with the white supremacy that the corrupt law systems (both in North America and everywhere else) still have, and it still internally angers me to this day that white individuals literally refuse to educate themselves in terms of the systems that were put in place to only help privileged and white people.
That is all I have to say since I am white and I cannot use my white privilege to speak over Black, Indigenous, and POC voices, because if I do that, then I am contributing to being a part of the problem along with being an agent of white supremacy, along with being an agent of inherent colonial and racial whiteness that I’d rather not be a part of since I’d rather do the work with reflecting on my internalised whiteness, my internalised racism, along with my internalised colonialism, along with unlearning them and fighting against internalised stereotypes that I see from the media and from society’s bullsh*t.
I’ll also finish off with some reasons on why this year was also good at the same time…
4. I was able to meet my friends on Discord
I have to admit, despite all of this happening, one of the best things keeping me going in life that gave me strength was the fact that I met my online friend, A (let’s refer to him as A for privacy reasons), along with many other amazing friends in Bleach-related servers that I am thankful to G-d with since I will forever be grateful to them and to A for becoming a large part of my life.
5. I was able to go to my Pilates class twice a week so that quarantine was more endurable for me.
I am honestly thankful that I started going there since Pilates is helping my body get stronger, along with helping my back since my scoliosis surgery scar from when I was 15 was fading away and my spine is still healing.
Sometimes, I wish that I didn’t have a large chest at all since it doesn’t really help with my back at all, because it can be ideal in a sense that “boys like big breasts” as my Pilates instructor said as a way to reassure me with not being shy about my chest.
Besides that, I am honestly glad that I went to my Pilates class two times a week since I was going ballistic from having to stay home all the time (staying home is necessary since I would rather help flatten the curve).
6. Quarantine was more tolerable with all-nighters and with watching aesthetic vlogs (study vlogs included)
Quarantine was more tolerable with all-nighters, aesthetic vlogs, and even study vlogs since my headspace was getting screwed over with morbid scenarios that were fictional, including past words that hurt me and that were said to me. If it weren’t for them, then I would be unable to sleep well, and I would still have more than the amount of emotional and mental agony I have right now that I’m learning how to live with because it’s better to do that than to buy into the self-help and inner-peace shit that only caters to NT people.
So… there y’all have it…
My final thoughts on 2020 before it’s about to end!
I really hope that this article encourages y’all to share your thoughts along with your final opinions on this hellhole of a year since I love hearing from y’all.
~ from a Gremlin-like, & ravenet demigender person and boy ❤
References
Burns, K. (2019, September 05). The rise of anti-trans “radical” feminists, explained. Retrieved December 25, 2020, from https://www.vox.com/identities/2019/9/5/20840101/terfs-radical-feminists-gender-critical
Thompson, K. (2020, May 21). Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Boba. Retrieved December 25, 2020, from https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/what-is-boba-bubble-tea-tapioca-balls
