Musings and Insights on Being Autistic
Navigating social interactions
Navigating social interaction is a very tricky thing for me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I struggle. A lot. Part of it is my fault, because I tend to confuse being what I call ‘unfiltered’ with being what may best be described as ‘unhinged’. I might inappropriately criticise someone, or say something out loud that I shouldn’t, like the time I jokingly shouted the “My name is Khan and I’m not a terrorist,” line from the Hindi movie My Name Is Khan…while on a plane going to NYC or somewhere in the East Coast. Or I might just say, “Screw it, I’m not going to give two shits about my hygiene,” and come into events or situations looking like John The Baptist where i absolutely should not. That is what I am referring to as ‘unhinged.’
Whereas, being ‘unfiltered’ may be also described as authentic. Authenticity kind of scares me, because part of my authenticity is that I don’t do well with nuances. This is not the same as what I stated above. This is not intentional so much as it is just a part of me. For example, i was working on the pick list at my new library job, which is where we take outgoing materials and distribute them to the respective libraries. While i was doing this, someone (seemingly out of nowhere) started asking me questions about my performance at the library. It was not direct at all, and there were many implied assumptions in what she was saying.
What am i supposed to do with that kind of situation? I just tend to respond literally and reactively to these situations. I also internalize. “Oh, if so and so is saying these things, I must be doing a bad job,” and so on. Fortunately, though, I discussed these things and many other aspects with my supervisor, who is going to arrange a meeting with this person as she does not know I have autism and that may be the reason behind why I appear to be struggling.
I have been heavily trained in skills based training, both officially and unofficially. I really enjoyed, but it often times doesn’t sink in or stick in my mind. And when it doesn’t stick, or when I am not mindful, I get embarrassed. When I get embarrassed, I get scared, and when I get scared, i get obsessive. More specifically, i get obsessive about what others think of me. For instance, I made a sort of moderate faux pax with a friend, regarding excessively compulsive phone calls and a request to borrow money. i spent a day and a half ruminating, catastrophising, and fomenting negative reactions which I held in, thank god.
While it is obviously not healthy to be supremely concerned with what others think of you, to the point that it negatively impacts your life, being obsessed with public opinion sometimes feels like a valid concern. This is because, while others may distinguish between being obsessed with what others think of them, vs. how people are reacting socially, i often times think of them as the same thing. I often think of social interactions as being unpredictable to an extreme, and so I tend to try to find (unhealthy and oftentimes dangerous) ways to circumvent that unpredictability. It’s as though cause and effect is non existent, and that everyone is playing a zero sum game where they do what they do, and I do what I do, as the resulting dramatics unfold.
A good example of this is social media. When I was heavily using social media, I tended to just let things loose into the sky, so to speak. There’s nothing stopping me from doing that, and that seemed to be what everyone else does on social media anyways. It took me a long time to fully understand just how curated online interaction is. It’s highly embellished and is not necessarily concurrent with day to day life. So I see things, and I get highly sensitive, envious even, taking things personally and ruminating on these aspects of mind.
I know someone who is an award winning, locally based southeast asian poet, who during the pandemic I spontaneously got in touch with after years of not being in contact. The obsessiveness kicked in right away, and soon, without realising it, I fell into this pattern of envy and misunderstanding of how curated their life might be, and then it ended in disaster.
I tend to engage in these behaviors anyway, so it’s not like I’m doing myself any favors there. But when I do this, it blows up in my face and I end up damaging relationships irreparably or making a fool of myself. Which is what I’m afraid of most of the time anyways.
Of course, my autism is not the only reason why I engage in these kinds of behaviors and mental patterns. There’s also self absorbtion, trauma from years of invalidation from many sources, and lack of confidence in my abilities and day to day decisions.
The upshot of all of this is that, well, I’m afraid to show myself to the world, the more authentic, positive parts of myself. I’m afraid of taking risks socially, unless it’s completely ‘unhinged’ as opposed to. ‘unfiltered’. but sometimes, you just have to take risks. However, there is one catch: For risks to be effective, they have to be done mindfully. One cannot, as I presumed for years, simply just jump into things blindly without regard for consequences and say, “hey, I’m taking a risk! I’m living life to the fullest!” There are people who may actually do this, but more likely they are appearing to do so, and if they actually do, their decisions cause more harm than good. But one cannot sit there and simply contemplate risks forever. That’s the other thing that I do, I ruminate on the benefits and risks of a situation.
This is why I find certain spiritual traditions so fascinating. Concepts such as Wu Wei, and concepts like Beginner’s Mind are so liberating because they free you from preconceived notions and from your own head. And not only that, but they throw you into the world effectively but without the unnecessary struggle and dangers of being impulsive or ‘unhinged’.
I don’t exactly know what kinds of actions I can take to improve my social situations. Well, I do, actually, to an extent, because there are certain things that are within in my control like not using social media. But some of this seems so ingrained, it’s hard to imagine life without these concerns. But there is hope. I have started to attempt a heartfulness based meditation, and I am going to undergo Trauma Therapy, which may unblock a lot of my insecurities and throw me into a whole new world. I dont know, I’ve never done Trauma Therapy. And of course, there are even more basic things, like exercising, or avoiding foods that negatively impact my Autism(I’m not one of those people that believe that gluten free diets or something will cure Autism, but I do notice that some foods, particularly dairy products, have an effect on how i present and feel as an Autistic and as a person in general.)
I guess, maybe, above all, I have to recognise the humanity in people whether they are Neurotypical or not. As opposed to treating people like an abstract, enigmatic presence that I have to react to.
