No, Accepting My Autism Isn’t Giving Up
Despite what neurotypicals might tell you, accepting your autistic needs and acting on them isn’t bad — it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
In the same hour I received my autism diagnosis, my dad told me not to use it as an excuse. That I should still try to pass as neurotypical, to keep my autism buried under wraps. I’m glad I didn’t take his advice.
Well-meaning neurotypicals, parents and experts alike, seem to believe that the best outcomes for autistic people can be achieved by training us to pass as neurotypicals. The autistic community refers to this as masking — attempting to hide our autism to be more socially and professionally successful. Studies into autistic masking have found that it is associated with worse mental health, though they fall short of indicating a direct causal link. The lived experiences of autistic people, myself included, indicate that masking can contribute to autistic burnout, depression, and other negative mental health outcomes. And yet, it is very difficult for autistic people to stop masking and accept our autism.
This comes from the prevailing cultural attitude that disabled people are only valuable when they are capable of meeting some arbitrary line of functionality. Socially, it’s okay to be autistic — as long as you emote properly, don’t make any social faux pas, and unfailingly attend social events. In other words, it’s only seen as okay to be autistic if you don’t display any autistic traits.
Noting the attitudes towards autism, it is easy to see how autistic people, especially young autistic people, may struggle to accept their autism. Accepting autism, accepting that we are different and therefore must live differently, is seen by neurotypicals as giving up.
As an example, I have decided against going out of my way to involve myself in friend groups. I am happy without them, and they are often difficult for me to navigate. I have been doing this for months with no negative results. And yet, family often tell me that I shouldn’t “give up” on social groups, that I can still join them if I just do my best — if I mask.
Neurotypical people seem to have difficulty with the idea that divergent lives can be worthwhile. Similar reactions are experienced by asexual people, which I link to autism here because of a significant overlap found in various studies. To neurotypicals, it seems that acting on our disinterest is the same as “giving in” to something negative, when, in fact, it is protective.
When we give up social groups or relationships, we are practicing self-care. We are acting in our best interests by not forcing ourselves to do something that we have no desire to do. In the same way a neurotypical who doesn’t like public speaking isn’t seen as giving up when they don’t train for a speech, autistic people should not be shamed for making decisions about our lives.
Beyond the social sphere, autistic people deserve the right to accept their autism and adapt their lives to it. It would be cruel to tell someone who uses mobility aids to do without them, just as it is cruel to tell autistic people to do without ear protectors or sunglasses when the world is overstimulating. But neurotypicals, many of who seem to believe we can condition ourselves out of autism, see protecting ourselves from an overwhelming world as capitulating to our autism, giving in to an outside force. They miss the fact that autism is an inexorable part of our experience.
We deserve to accept our autism. Not only emotionally, but in our day-to-day lives. We deserve the autonomy to do what is best for us without criticism from those who don’t — and likely can’t — understand the autistic experience. If we choose to withdraw from certain social functions, or refuse to mask, or take any other actions to affirm our autism, we are not giving up. We are making the best decision possible for ourselves, we are taking our lives into our hands, and we are affirming our right to comfortably exist despite living in our ableist world. Do you, fellow autistic.
Tori Morales (they/them) is an autistic college student writing about mental health, autism, and other topics. You can support them by using their Medium affiliate link or buying them a coffee.
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