Dear society,
Why do you always attempt to make me detest myself as a man? Why do you always try to add onto a lot of cisnormative bullshit about how men are ‘supposed’ to act in accordance to your stupid playground rules?
Also, why do you shit on men who want to keep their uteruses (any term you personally feel comfortable using), chests and also who don’t want to legally and/or medically transition?
Look, I’m just as guilty as you are of doing the same bullshit and at least I have the decency and respect to actually want to work on myself in regards to this! Hell, I am fucking ashamed and disgusted with myself for becoming a cisnormative asshole as you are, society! Why can’t you leave gender-non-conforming and trans persons the fuck alone?! Why do you try to insist on lying to me, manipulating me, invalidating me, and making me question myself on who I really am versus who YOU believe I am not?! Do you realise how worse I’ve become as a person thanks to your cisnormative bullshit?! Do you even realise that I am no better than you are?!
Dear society,
When will you stop clocking me as a woman who’s already dead in the first place since quarantine? When will you stop making me feel like I am less of a guy by your fucked up standards? Why is it that you preach to trans folks to ‘love’ themselves and their bodies by your fucked up cishet standards? Why then do you shit on them for actually trying to accept themselves and their bodies as they are? Aren’t you basically worse like transphobes (who you still support) that are nothing but genuine scum towards others for not adhering to rigid classroom rules on gender?!
I am trying and struggling miserably not to allow any vacancies in my mind, but really, I am failing to not leave any vacancies because I care too much deep down!
Also, why do you insist on fucking with so may people whose mental health deteriorated through the way you gender every fucking thing, like clothes, skincare, menstrual hygiene, social events and many more things?!?! Haven’t you stopped and decided (on your own accord) to pull a big ass mirror out in front of you, and then reflect long and hard on yourselves in terms of how you lob off every damn thing based on the fucked up gender binary we need to move past?!
For those who’ve been hurt by the same cisnormative bullshit about men that I’ve adopted and even conveyed in the hurtful terms that have also hurt me, I am sorry. I know that this won’t cut it, and no one ever has to be obligated to forgive me for my past words and actions because nobody owes me shit (but I also don’t owe anyone shit), so that’s why I want to keep working on myself. Listen… I don’t want to hurt anyone and sometimes I don’t really trust myself with other people when it comes to making mistakes. Deep down, I know and/or feel that I am complicit in harming folks who don’t want to and/or cannot go on T, and with folks who don’t feel safe in going on T. I need to call myself out and tell on myself because I am a hypocrite when it comes to this, so that I can become a better person and not to become a cisnormative jackass like the rest of society is.
To those who’ve misgendered me and still expected me to be a dead woman because y’all still see me as ‘her’: a lie, a persona enforced onto me someone already dead y’all still delude yourselves with, an empty grave of someone who used to be me and of someone else who wants to move on from this earth, and as some so-called miserable ‘woman’ confused about ‘her’ gender… Y’all are just as fake as those who want to be performative with their so-called support, as long as I don’t fully show that I am trans and as long as I do not ‘dare’ to hurt their fragile feelings and emotions about me. I can do just fine without any narrow-minded bullshit you’re with.
To those transphobes who ask me “what if you want a boyfriend and kids?”… Bold of you to assume that you have the damned right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t want for myself because no way am I going to put myself through cisnormative and neuronormative bullshit in relationships nor do I ever want to be pregnant for someone (and I never want to be, ever) who still perceives me as some non-existent and deceased ‘woman’ that you and society still do. Also, dear transphobes, fuck right off for asking me this question because you don’t speak for me nor do you speak for anyone else but yourselves.
To those same transphobes who keep playing yourselves, I am also going to say this: You’re not doing me a favour, but only yourselves a favour. You say that you’re supportive of me and are trying to make me feel comfortable, but really, you’re not doing much because you’d rather merely tolerate my trans and Autistic existence instead of fully accepting me for who I am. If you were able to mostly accept me being Autistic, then you shouldn’t have any personal issues with me being both Autistic, transmasc and queer. I am still the same Raven you’ve grown up with and known, and I am still the same person deep down. It genuinely hurts that I am perceived as some stranger just because I’ve found myself in terms of gender, and that I don’t have the same support that others have. Yes, I admit that I still hold out because of attachment, and also because some part of me hopes that you’d be proud of me finding myself. You tearing me down, telling me to calm my mind and that I am my own enemy isn’t fucking working because even your own mind can be against you and make you feel like shit sometimes. It’s funny that I am seen as some ‘bully’ to you, while you continue to deflect your own contribution to your transphobia towards me with painful words and you’d rather continue to lie to yourself that I am some dead ‘daughter’ who doesn’t exist anymore and has already been non-existent since quarantine. It’s also more than okay to realise that you’re wrong about my own gender and that you don’t speak for me when it comes to decision-making and also when it comes to who I am. Only I can determine my own genders and to have a say in who is my support person, not the close minded people y’all surround yourselves with.
I’m fucking tired of having difficulty with actually accepting the fact that I’ll never be a cis guy because there are times that I still wish that (which is something I do need to work on), along with me always being a man, no matter the body I was born in. I’m also fucking tired and dead inside of fighting against myself and my asshole of a brain, when no one is currently being my enemy I need to fight. Think of the singular and repetitive lyric of ‘fuck me! I’m all out of enemies’ from Slipknot’s ‘Spit It Out’, but said lyric depicts this from my subjective perspective.
I am angry with the fact that I am still expected to be okay with playing as a gender I don’t fit into, that many transmasc persons, masc enby folks, gender-non-conforming folks,and many trans men like myself are told to unlearn ‘internalised misogyny’ as if being trans and being a man are ‘misogynistic’ to performative allies (especially conservative, white, transphobic cis women and edgy cis women who think that it’s okay to be apathetic towards women, men and to folks of all genders who are harmed by patriarchy) who’ve ingested the radfem and TERF kool-aid. Hell, I am just as angry with myself for even subconsciously absorbing and also believing the radfem and TERF bullshit which genuinely hurts both myself and others.
I am even angry at myself and at my internalised transphobia, self-hatred, self-doubt plus my dysphoria for any discomfort I feel towards my own body (yes, this is a real feeling I feel, and it’s a sucky one nobody ever wants to have because then it’s your own emotions working against you with theorising the reassurance more instead of emotionally applying it to yourself), including the bullshit I have in my own brain, among the narratives that are produced/ingrained and rooted in it.
I need to say… I am sometimes tired of myself, but sometimes I am sick and tired with my own bullshit and also the feeling that I am acting like some self-pitying human who doesn’t feel as strong, but fuck it, when am I not strong? I’m only not strong whenever I feel genuinely pissed off at my own bullshit I am mindfucking myself with.
Fucking dammit, Raven, why do you keep pretending to be healthier-than-thou when you’re no better than anyone else?! Yes… I am an amazing person (to some extent), but I don’t feel that way most of the time because of my actions sometimes. I am not always amazing because then I can be a genuine dick to others at times. I sometimes can’t take myself anymore, but it isn’t a reason to stop fighting bullshit within myself among cisnormative and binarynormative bullshit. Maybe I will eventually achieve a place where I wouldn’t look at my chest and my duderus with loads of disdain and with with not feeling less valid as a guy, but to feel more valid as my own guy and more okay. I just need to continue working and fighting hard, even when it gets tough. Maybe I will also be able to be in a place where I will feel safe, accepted and brave enough to keep going forward in my own transition on my own terms, and also where I am financially independent enough and more stronger this way. I am thankful that I have an option (that is just as limited as the philosophical concept of free will is), but I still have fears and anxiety I need to tackle deep down.
But today isn’t this day. The present should be more prioritised as a day of rest from my brain and from my own bullshit, but it isn’t since I focus more on the unhappiness, anger and sadness I feel which causes more inescapable self-hatred.
Dear society,
Maybe you should stop your transphobia and transandrophobia towards transmasc persons, masc enbies, including trans dudes who refuse to fit into your cis, hetero, and neuronormative definitions of what it means to be a human being. There are only some suggestions I can provide because I cannot tell people what to do and what not to do (shit, I’m just as hypocritical as the next person when it comes to this) towards how people speak about experiences and language used in them. I am asking you to reflect on your treatment towards men and masc persons (even to multigender men and to multigender masc persons), and in the ways you perceive men’s mental health and well-being, including the mental health and well-being of masc people as.
I am fucking tired of the anti-masculist and anti-feminist bullshit that’s infiltrated even the most progressive of online and offline feminist circles, and yes, that also includes the ‘femininity = superior’ bullshit because no gender expression is inherently better than others. It’s like seeing the recycled homomisia, transmisia, and queermisia from decades past, but it’s also TERF/radfem bullshit I condemn and detest with my entire existence and being. Shit, I am just as guilty of wishing that I was a cis guy.
I expect too much of myself while also struggling to fight against my internal bigotries, but without experientially understanding the psychological, mental, and emotional disconnection I feel because I still struggle with communication as an Autistic trans and multigender man, and also with understanding my own emotions, noticing my thoughts, feelings, and with my own biases at times since there are times where I don’t even notice my own brain even think the biases I have against myself and against people I interact with.
I still struggle with pinpointing whether or not I am struggling due to Autistic burnout or Autistic regression emotionally/mentally-wise, and also whether my lack of motivation to do my hobbies (i.e., reading) or to do things for myself is a result of either that regression or also it being co-morbid with dysphoria towards my own chest, my menstrual cycle (periods which I can refer to as Bloody Matt or as dying month, because sometimes it really does get like that), and sometimes my own curves and body. I admit, I still struggle to see myself as the man that I am because of this.
Yes, I am still angry with myself and my own bullshit when it comes to doubts on living as the genders that I am and as the man that I am… There have already been times where I still continue to prove my own resilience in spite of my trans imposter syndrome and my worries about a lot of things… For example, being able (financially and socially) to be able to update my legal name change with my ID, passport, and additional things, and talking to my family physician if I can have a therapist who is trained in issues that relate to being both Autistic and trans. There have also been times where I wish that I was brave enough to handle being trans or as another gender that’s outside of my designated sex at birth. I know who I am, in which I am a dude, a man, a guy, and a good sir. Hell, I do not ever have to transition legally or medically unless I’ve tried them myself and they turn out to be right for me or not. I’m not always sure about who I am or that I am who I say that I am… and that’s one of the realities of being trans. Sometimes I wish that I was a cis guy, and sometimes I am genuinely proud of being trans and that I don’t want to fit into cis masculinity. I shouldn’t even have to fit into any stupid ass gender binary because I’m my own guy of my genders and that’s fine too.
Sincerely, Raven.
Editor for
[He/They/Xe] | Autistic | This is a safe space for you to read in the comfort of your home! You can find my ko-fi at: https://ko-fi.com/ravenfridmar43791