Ramblings of a sleepy Gremlin dude #3
TW/CW: ‘self-love’ mention, specific pathologising and stigmatising words such as “healthy/unhealthy”, genocide mention, alt-right mention, ableism, saneism, & ignorance in general
When an Autistic, Neurodivergent, and/or Mentally Ill person is told to “love” themselves, they feel a bit pained or hurt (or maybe any different reaction varying from person to person) because this “self-love” dogma doesn’t actually consider the painful experiences and traumas they have to constantly deal with from neurotypical and mentally robust people who claim that they give a single care about mental health and that it’s health, but most of neurotypical and mentally robust people find it very easy to pretend to care about mental illness and Neurodivergency and about sincere vulnerability than to actually care about all three of them.
But, when an Autistic, Neurodivergent and/or Mentally Ill person tries to fit into any “self-love” dogmas preached by people who aren’t critical of it, they then are called names, such as ‘narcissist’ (although using this term as an insult is also insulting people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as not every single person with NPD is inherently ‘bad’, because there are some NPD folks out in the world that are genuinely decent people and that teach people to be less shitty towards others through their actions and their compassion), ‘selfish’, and the r-slur while also being told to ‘lower your ego’ (I fucking wonder what the hell happened to genuine self-kindness/acceptance and for letting others be okay with their own flaws?).
It’s also clearly ironic that those who preach “the truth hurts” to others who are suffering from a world that was never made for their natural neurotype in the first place or that “I’m sorry but you need to hear this” to them is also just as hypocritical and contradictory as the next human being as they also cannot stand their own bullshit coming back in life to bite them in the ass as well.
I wonder what happened to allowing people to be able to accept what words they can manageably digest, I wonder what the hell happened to letting people stick to anything that helps them make sense of this dystopian fuckery referred to as ‘life’, because even existence is difficult (and so is being alive at times), and no one should tell others how to feel, how to live experiences anyone telling a person what they ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ do know absolute jackshit (nothing) about what said person is experiencing right now, and what people ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ do for their mental health while using words like “healthy/unhealthy” to make themselves look more holier/”healthier”-than-thou and to make themselves look more morally “perfect” than they actually are.
Besides, what the fuck is even “truth” or “reality” as a concept? Is it some hellhole of a simulation we’re living in, or like a horror scene? Is it something of suffering or even worse, are we ‘supposed’ to accept suffering and agony by others who want to put us through plenty of painful shit? Hell, what even are those broad concepts if they’re going to be used to make others miserable with life?
Why do people like to hold onto the “personal responsibility” dogma when it only serves them well, as if they’re not the person being accused of shit that doesn’t reflect them as a person? Worse yet, why do mental health circles uncritically use “personal responsbility” towards Mentally Ill persons who just want to survive the hellish fuckery known as “reality”, while they want to continue deflecting said “personal responsibility” from themselves when they harm Mentally Ill persons or even silence them from speaking out at the ableist and saneist atrocities happening to them and to every Neurodivergent and Autistic person of all intersectionalities? It’s like they hate it when people who aren’t “sane” or “”normal”” speak up against bullshit they’re being put through by those “sane” and “”normal”” people, along with more insidious shit they’re hiding from the same people they’re harming behind closed doors…
I worry about people who don’t know or haven’t known about a significant difference between “self-love” and what actually is ‘self-kindness/liberation/neutrality’, since ‘self-love’ is all about perfectionism, holding yourself up to humanly impossible standards of a “”best self”” that actually doesn’t exist, trying to find some so-called “magical place” (aren’t we essentially treating repackaged cultural and religious appropriation that is New Age spirituality and the rehashing of perfectionism and ableism/saneism, along with the stigma towards lifelong mental health battles with mental illness as “self-help”, “self-empowerment” and “self-improvement”?), and not letting yourself feel the emotions you’re actually feeling, refusing to have human connection until you’re fully “cured”, “healed”, or even “healthy”. Self-kindness, self-liberation/acceptance, and even self-neutrality is more humanistic and realistic because it lets you be your own self, your own essence of what makes yourself, yourself, along with allowing yourself to be in relationships even when you’re not “healed” or “”healthy”” in socially “acceptable” terms that are arbitrary and even detached from the chaotic dystopia known as “life”, along with developing a lifelong compassion that’s going to be your battery saver (mentally, emotionally, [etc.] and physically) for life because you’re still trying to sort out what life is for you.
Is this dystopian timeline making any sense anymore or are we just seeing a literal repeat of the 20th century-based portion of history play out eerily similar to what happened in the past, but in more insidious ways? Why is it that when there’s blossoming progress for Autistic, Neurodivergent and Mentally Ill rights and rights for all individuals, there always has to be narrow-minded and bigoted humans that are willing to throw us under the bus along with literally ignoring our need for belonging over playing under the purity culture and saintly/perfect “morality” playbooks? Is this the 1930s-1960s all over again?
Why is it suddenly “okay” to ignore many kinds of cultural and religious genocide happening while other kinds of genocide are only paid any form of attention on social media instead of taking the time to do what one can do under their own terms and limits to prevent many ignored genocides from harming more people? Why is society still okay with embracing genocide and fascism against us Autistic people of many intersectionalities, along with Neurodivergent and Mentally Ill folks of all intersectionalities? Is our existence really a threat to neoliberal circles and to medical communities that continue to throw us down even deeper under the ocean?
A/N: I felt like writing this today because I needed to get all of this out of my mind, and also, I’m fearing for the direction the near or far-down future is heading, and to be frank, no amount of any ‘self-help’/’self-improvement’ stuff is going to save anyone from history repeating itself, because let me say this… It feels like the course of human history is going to see plenty of atrocities and is already seeing plenty of human violations as I am writing this. Please do not take this as me being “”negative”” and refusing to listen to any “”positivity”” because right now doesn’t feel like the time to try to use any “good vibes only” nonsense, since this isn’t going to do much for most people (maybe it may help someone, but not everyone since everyone’s life perspectives differ and are individually unique to themselves) right now, in an ongoing pandemic and especially in the rise of alt-right and ableist movements, and especially with how people care too much about the performativity of most celebrities being a ‘decent human’ and them co-opting terms that aren’t theirs to begin with (i.e., some celebrities claiming to be a ‘feminist’ and ‘autism advocate’ when they have an individualistic perspective that doesn’t reflect what feminism and autism advocacy actually are).
Thanks for reading this until the end, and I do hope that you’re doing okay in those times… and please do the best you can to ensure that you can eat something and drink something (doesn’t matter if it’s big or small, or anywhere in-between).
With Care and Solidarity,
a ravenet gremlin of indescribable genders and dude ❤.