Self-Care
An agreement across three conversations
Cast of Characters
WEARY PROTECTOR — Middle-aged; serves to protect FRIGHTENED CHILD and impose a sense of order.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER — Young adult; seeks to foster authenticity and curiosity within FRIGHTENED CHILD.
FRIGHTENED CHILD — Very young; seeks safety.
The Admonition
SETTING: A nondescript office space. WEARY PROTECTOR sits at a desk free of clutter
(FRIGHTENED CHILD cautiously approaches, sits across from WEARY PROTECTOR.)
WEARY PROTECTOR: Your behavior was highly irresponsible. What were you even thinking?
FRIGHTENED CHILD: I just —
WEARY PROTECTOR: First and foremost, all I’ve ever wanted is to keep you safe. Now I do know there is some part of you that will always want to push these boundaries. I am trying to be okay with the reality of that. But this is simply unacceptable.
(Silence.)
WEARY PROTECTOR: We — and I do say we here because I am in this just as much as you, regardless of how hard that may be for you to believe — we have to be careful. The world wasn’t designed for us. You know that. And I am not saying this to dwell on injustice or lament over any undue difficulties, but rather to emphasize our need for caution.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD looks down, remains silent.)
WEARY PROTECTOR: You think and you perceive the world differently from others. This already makes you a target. You still can barely maintain even a degree of sustained eye contact. This means that you have to work even harder to abide by the dictates of a society that organizes itself without you in mind. And you’re really starting to hit your stride in terms of meeting all of these conditions. You’re doing great at the job, saving money. Come on, I bet that feels nice. And you’re still bulk cooking, taking proper care of yourself. These will all pay off handsomely in the long run. I suppose that since you’re doing so well, it is harder to understand the need for consistent vigilance. And believe me, I do wish we could live in a world where you’d be okay just doing whatever you wanted. Heck, I’d move there today. But we’re just not there. Not yet at least.
(Silence.)
WEARY PROTECTOR: I mean you’re doing so well and we’re finally in a position where we have constructed a certain degree of safety. Isn’t that what you want?
FRIGHTENED CHILD: I just —
WEARY PROTECTOR: What? Believe me, I want nothing more than to understand this current line of reasoning.
FRIGHTENED CHILD: Nothing.
WEARY PROTECTOR: Okay. Well, listen. Nothing you did here has put our work in any sense of immediate jeopardy. But let’s batten down the hatch and keep our head down, okay? Purposeful and unforced transgressions like these are the exact type of thing that could cost us everything. Years and years of hard work. And whatever this stunt was, I know that is not what you want. We’re in agreement, aren’t we?
FRIGHTENED CHILD: Yes.
WEARY PROTECTOR: Very good. Now don’t forget, we’re going grocery shopping later. But maybe we can treat ourselves to a nice dinner sometime soon. Maybe after we finish taxes? I think that might cheer you up. Don’t beat yourself up about this too much. Think of this as a bump in the road. We’re still going in the same direction as we’ve always been. And as far as I’m concerned that hasn’t changed, and it won’t change.
(Silence, then FRIGHTENED CHILD nods.)
WEARY PROTECTOR: Very good. Shut the door on your way out.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD slowly walks away.)
(END OF SCENE)
The Assurance
SETTING: COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER sits in a more colorful room that has various plants, paintings on the wall, and books strewn about.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD hesitantly approaches COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER after leaving WEARY PROTECTOR.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: Are you okay?
(Silence, FRIGHTENED CHILD sniffles and looks down.)
FRIGHTENED CHILD: It’s fine. I just want to feel okay. But I guess I put us in danger by doing this.
(Silence, COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER looks at FRIGHTENED CHILD discerningly.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: You know, I’ve known Weary Protector for a long time, longer than I’ve even known myself in many ways. That kind of vigilance has indeed kept us safe for a long time, but I think you should still be able to express yourself how you want to. There will always be risk, but don’t you want to feel comfortable in your own skin?
(FRIGHTENED CHILD looks up at COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER with a hint of trepidation.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I thought you actually looked good. And I could see that wide smile on your face.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD begins to smile.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: You can admit it. Did it feel good?
FRIGHTENED CHILD: Yeah, it just felt [pause] right. I don’t really know how else to describe it.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: And I think that is what we lose sight of sometimes because we have felt the need to be constantly alert in order to protect ourselves. And yes, we have remained physically safe in an environment that at times has been less than hospitable, but it also means that we deal with chronically elevated cortisol levels that do not operate within the bounds of logic or reality. You tried something new and that is always going to be scary, but you certainly did not endanger us by buying a single article of clothing. Yes, we will always need to protect ourselves in some capacity, but it is important to remember that we are doing it for a reason. So that we may live, not just survive.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD nods.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: You know, you had to do so much and try so hard just to survive, to fit into a society that was not ready to understand your struggles or accept the wholeness of you. You hid for so long. And there were things you missed out on because of this. When presented with opportunities to show ourselves to the world and receive love, they always seemed like too great a threat to your existence. You were not seen, not for who you truly are, and it is okay to acknowledge the weight of that cumulative pain.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD looks down, tries not to cry.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: It is okay to feel not okay, and it is okay to show yourself compassion, and it is okay to cry.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD begins to cry quietly.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: It is okay. I see you and there is nothing wrong with you.
(FRIGHTENED CHILD begins to sob loudly.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I really do want to help keep us safe, but there is so much more to life than that. And you really have worked so hard all this time to build habits and routines that are healthy and sturdy. We do not have to get rid of those. But what do you want?
(Silence, FRIGHTENED CHILD continues to weep gently, then looks up.)
FRIGHTENED CHILD: I want to show up and express my heart fully. I want to see and be seen.
(COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER smiles and hugs FRIGHTENED CHILD.)
(END OF SCENE)
The Negotiation
SETTING: A meeting room that seems both lively and subdued, vibrant while blank; the atmosphere and decor of the room seem to be gradually and continually shifting.
(COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER and WEARY PROTECTOR are meeting to discuss the long-term path forward together)
WEARY PROTECTOR: This is why premature disclosure is such a risky maneuver. I worry that the release of such sensitive information, if met with absolutely no response, will considerably set back our progress.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: Well, regardless of the response, we need to feel the weight of it; if there is no response that means sitting in its silence, and acknowledging that our capacity to live through this does represent progress.
WEARY PROTECTOR: And so what is the path forward? You know how the world tends to respond when met with uncomfortable truths.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I am certainly not denying that, and it is a pertinent point in —
WEARY PROTECTOR: You’re just choosing to dismiss this fact is what I am hearing.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: We can hold many things simultaneously. Our own truths, however uncomfortable they may first appear to others; the knowledge that many people with whom we interact will simply not be presently equipped to fully process them or even ready to hear them; and the courage required for sincere engagement with the people who are ready to see us. And those people are out there.
WEARY PROTECTOR: It just seems ill-advised to stake our chance at community on people who we hope might not recoil when faced with these, I don’t even know what one calls them these days, these abnormalities.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: But everyone accepts this risk, tacitly or otherwise, when they show the world the intersecting realities of their identity, their own messy wholeness, in the hopes of building intimate relationships of mutual recognition. And our situation —
WEARY PROTECTOR: So you’re honestly going to tell me that all of this gunk that has plagued us forever, or rather plagued me forever as I have been the one dealing with it, will not be a dealbreaker when the topic of mutual recognition rears its head in earnest?
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: It will not be a dealbreaker, and we actually have empirical evidence of this now. What about the dinner last week where our friend and even her family welcomed us, called us by our new name, and treated us with compassion?
WEARY PROTECTOR: Oh my god, I lobbied for months against that name. It is a target on our back. I have worked tirelessly for decades, and I know that is a timeframe you simply cannot comprehend, to construct a modest life within the confines of that name you just so callously discarded. All of that work, my meticulously curated mechanisms to defend us, is undone, and the effort is wasted if we are simply going to affix an even bigger target to our back.
(Silence. COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER takes a deep breath, while WEARY PROTECTOR glares, seething with fury and betrayal.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I can only imagine how exhausting it has been for you this whole time.
WEARY PROTECTOR: It is hard work, it should be exhausting, but I have consistently proved myself ready for any challenge. And I am more than capable to continue to perform these necessary duties.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I know you are. I guess I was just making an observation.
(Silence.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I don’t think anyone has thanked you for all of that hard work. I see you being cast so often as the villain throughout this process of upheaval, certainly since I have come aboard.
WEARY PROTECTOR: My job is to provide protection from harm. I’ll say that again. Protection. From. Harm. Believe me, I couldn’t care less about matters of public relations or the optics of my professional conduct.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: Well, I certainly do believe that (chuckles). But I do want to thank you, and to commend you for having provided that degree of protection for so long, and with such meager tools at your disposal.
(Silence.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: Without all of your hard work, we wouldn’t have the resources to even consider taking the steps that are on the horizon. And I can only imagine that these changes are scary —
WEARY PROTECTOR: Let me reiterate. Protection from harm. Target on our back. It’s not a matter of scary, it’s my job to prevent these frivolous displays of recklessness from going too far.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: But the suite of protective services, the guardrails set up to maintain balance and well-being, all function quite well at this point without constant oversight. Let’s remind each other: we have an apartment with a warm bed to sleep in every night; we have enough food to eat; we have a job that pays us regularly; and we do have people who truly care about us. So I suppose my proposal is that we can renegotiate the scope of your role. How would you feel about providing ancillary support services, focusing solely on the items requiring your superior executive functioning capabilities? I would handle long-term planning, defining core values, and implementing the systems needed to move in a positive direction. You will work on an as needed basis and serve as a field expert on specific tasks.
WEARY PROTECTOR: (Stares at COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER in silence and begins to chuckle.) You really think you can handle this job?
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: To be honest, the only thing that gives me any semblance of confidence is that I will be working in an environment that you have stewarded for so long. And I want to honor all of that work, not undo it.
WEARY PROTECTOR: And what about a contingency plan? Because let’s be clear, I do not fully trust your competence to manage this enterprise.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: Well, if it’s any consolation, you are the only one who can do what you do. If I get us into a mess that does require active protection from imminent harm then you are the only one suitable to replace me.
WEARY PROTECTOR: Okay, well obviously that is true. And at least you can admit it.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I want to show my gratitude for your service by making the best use of the protection you have provided. That will always be an important facet of the project of living, but there are also various actualization initiatives that already excite me.
(Silence.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: You know, we do see and perceive and experience things differently, but there can be a kind of magic to that. We get to really live life as fully as ourselves and work to cultivate a real acceptance of that multiplicity. There is something so terrifying and yet liberating in all of this; we can walk through our surroundings no longer constrained by a role that does not fit us, and free from the burden of having to continually justify our existence through external validation. We can glimpse anew, with eyes of innocent wonder, a world that is offering its bounty to us. This journey evokes an overflowing sense of gratitude. We can see and be seen, and we can love and be loved.
WEARY PROTECTOR: Just tell me one thing, honestly. You still do want to keep us safe, right?
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I do. And I will do everything in my power to ensure that none of my work comes at the expense of our safety.
WEARY PROTECTOR: Well, I guess this is goodbye.
(WEARY PROTECTOR extends hand for handshake. COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER opens arms, and WEARY PROTECTOR reluctantly steps forward. The two hug.)
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: And don’t worry too much, we’ll be filing taxes soon, and I of course will task you with coordinating those efforts.
WEARY PROTECTOR: You can certainly count on me for that.
COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER: I know I can. Thank you. For everything.
(WEARY PROTECTOR and COMPASSIONATE REMEMBERER look long and hard at each other one last time, and part ways.)
(END OF SCENE)
