So Very Tired

Being Autistic in a neurotypical society

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

I am 52 years old and I’m tired. So very tired. It’s not me, it’s living in a neurotypical society.

During my life I have had several periods of burnout, developed IBS and crippling anxiety and I’m tired. So very tired. With my first burnout, I was “fortunate” enough to take a two-year break from work. Even then, the pressure simply began building again once I returned to work. I’ve never fully recovered, and each subsequent burnout has sapped my battery a little more. And now I’m so very, very tired.

I’m tired of apologising for being someone I can’t change.

I’m tired of having my strengths ignored but my weaknesses exploited.

I’m tired of having to mask my true self just to maintain a career.

I’m tired of the ableist nature of society.

I’m tired of constantly being worried that I have done something wrong.

I’m tired of my emotional and sensory battery running down to empty and then dealing with the subsequent burnout.

I’m tired of my employers failing to understand my autism or struggles working.

I’m tired of everything I do well being considered an undesirable trait.

I’m tired of there being so little recognition of how much harder it is for us to survive in the world.

I’m tired of battling through each day in an environment that doesn’t suit me

I’m tired collapsing exhausted on the couch at the end of the day

I’m tired of having to explain the nuances of how autism impacts on me.

I’m tired of being asked “how did you cope before Covid?” when I didn’t, I burned out.

I’m tired of reminding my colleagues that I need information in writing to be able to process it

I’m tired of not being given sufficient notice when someone changes a plan or routine, without them giving a reason either

I’m tired of having to ask for what I need to function optimally.

I’m tired of interaction for its own sake — “Just be seen in the office/wedding/party”.

I’m tired of being the one carrying the mental burden of communication when so many others give little thought to how they express what they are saying and how it will be received.

I’m tired of being scared to show people who I really am.

I’m 52 years old, I have another 16 years before I can at least retire, and I’m exhausted.

“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned