What was I supposed to do?
Yikes! I blew it!
A neighbor got evicted and I offered him space in my yard to keep his belongings under a tarp till he could do better. (I couldn’t offer space indoors because I live in a studio apartment. There’s a 15x15 ft yard attached, I pay extra for that.)
Drum circle was that afternoon, and he had to have it all out by the end of the day. I thought of skipping drum circle to keep my place open for him but drum circle is like church to me. So my brother came over to keep the place open while my neighbor brought his stuff over and set it in the yard.
I came home from the drum circle and my brother left. My neighbor was finishing up with the last load into my yard. I was very hungry so I nuked a couple egg rolls that I had in the fridge. Offered him one because that’s how I was raised — if you eat in front of other people you offer them some.
He accepted the eggroll gladly, and ate it standing up. He ate quickly, like he was hungry also. Problem was, my neighbor is a Black man, and I’m generally perceived as a white female. I ate sitting at my desk — I don’t have a table. I have an extra chair beside the desk, but didn’t invite him to sit down because, in my experience, offering a man food often leads to a compromising situation. Men seem to think an offer of food is a romantic overture. I’m autistic so it took me a while (several years) to figure this out — in the meantime, I’ve given in way too many times when I would have rathered not. So I let him eat standing to mitigate the implied romantic overture of offering food.
But letting him stand to eat while Black, as I ate sitting down while white harkened back to a sordid history. I’m from the South, and old-fashioned white Southerners (eg, my grandfather’s age) don’t sit down to eat with Black people because that implies equality. That’s what Jim Crow was all about. I didn’t intend it to be a microaggression, but intent doesn’t matter, only impact does.
Maybe I should have stood to eat also but I need to sit while eating, due to dyspraxia (poor physical coordination.) Or maybe I should have invited him to sit down, then ∅maneuver my way through the awkward situation with men that I’ve been through so many times before. And probably would have had to give it up again. Or maybe I should have waited for him to leave before I ate, or maybe I should have eaten while not offering him any. That last option seems worst.
Readers? What do you think?
