Why unlearning Internalised Bigotries have their challenges
TWs: internalised transmisia, transandromisia, fascism mention, internalised racism towards myself and others, fascism of radfems and TERFs, etc.
Hello once again, I’m just writing this because it’s vital for people to know while continuing to fight any internalised bigotry(ies) they have inside their heads.
So… Gentlefolks and all who yonder… without further ado… Let’s get started.
Introduction
There are times that I do not notice my own internalised bigotries that consist of my subconscious biases saying that trans people are their designated sexes at birth, which I truly know as a falsehood, because trans persons like myself and many others are who we say we are, not the dead personas inflicted onto us the moment we come into existence in this corrupt, ciscentric hellhole of a world nobody wants to be in or even sees as a safe place because no place in this world is even safe (that’s why you’re going to need to create a safe space in places that genuinely make you happy, and in people who help you be your best and bring out the best in you).
There are also times that even unlearning internalised bigotries have their own set of challenges and pain.
For example, my brain and even myself still believes that I am not actually a man (because in full honesty, I have to be a multigender, nonbinary and trans man to even believe [basically a man of my own genders] to think that I am not actually a man, but some “woman” who “wants” to be a man to feel “special” and to “escape misogyny” as some narrow-minded people and even TERFs and radfem fascists believe and even still hold onto to be able to cope harder with life), because my brain continues to lie to me saying that I am “female” (which is actual bullshit, because I am forever a man of my own genders), and that I “just want to escape” the patriarchal concept of cishet and neurotypical womanhood I become more disconnected with the older I get and the wiser, knowledgeable, honest and sincere I become with myself and with my own genders in general.
The kind of bigotries towards yourself you still have to keep surviving and dealing with
I will preface as I am going to be discussing about my own internalised bigotries I am still struggling with, I am fine with anyone sharing their experiences with their own internalised bigotries they’re still dealing with (if anyone ever feels comfortable doing so). I’m going to discuss the kinds of internalised bigotries I still try to deal with and also as I still try to survive them.
As a white-passing Russian/Soviet Jewish man who doesn’t notice his own transandrophobia and transphobia towards himself, others, along with plenty of internalised bigotries such as racism. For one, racism towards myself, others, and especially towards foods from different cultures can feel genuinely uncomfortable because I feel ashamed of myself for even having internalised racism, and I know that this is my own responsibility to fight against and to unlearn. I remember last year whenever I made my own internet avatars (or Picrews), I made my own skin tone a lighter tone that didn’t match how my skin, and an ex-friend/sibling pointed that out to me, which I am genuinely glad that she did. For myself, I was able to learn to steadily accept my own skin tone with a foundation that matches my skin tone along with making Picrews that match my skin tone and that are accurate to my skin tone.
Second for internalised misogyny and misandry, I remember receiving sex ed in Grade 6, and I remember one thing a teacher told myself and many other peers (yes, sex ed in Grade 6 was segregated based on a person’s gender in terms of it ‘aligning’ with one’s designated sex at birth)… ‘Don’t be a slut’, which, looking back now, was not only unacceptable, but it was very misogynistic. As for misandry, I still see the pervasive ‘patriarchy + men = men bad’ bullshit, even in feminist circles because the way that this is going… It’s spreading a lot in mainstream circles that have also ingested radfem and TERF bullshit. I admit, I still have difficulty in accepting myself as a man because of genuinely shitty men in the world, along with accepting that I am a man because people still hate on trans guys and even infantilise the literal shit out of trans dudes (like many others and myself). Plus, I have difficulty in accepting my own masculinity because of the ‘femininity = superior’ bullshit I also see on the internet (that is not only detrimental to my own mental health and to the mental health and well-being of others, it also reeks of radfem and TERF bullshit as well).
Thirdly, on ableism, my brain still repeats the r slur even though I didn’t want it to, along with ableist attitudes I’ve subconsciously absorbed and also need to unlearn as it is my responsibility in doing so. I sadly do not have much to say about internalised ableism, but I can say that it’s a kind of hell no one should ever go through.
Finally, as for xenophobia/misia… I hate myself and am genuinely ashamed of myself for having unacceptable slurs for even repeating inside my head. Hell, I don’t even like seeing them or hearing them at all.
Although unlearning internalised bigotries are admirable for a person’s own betterment and for benefitting themself and others around them, there are a set of challenges and things that need to be addressed about this.
This isn’t me attempting to justify nor excuse people who refuse to examine their own internalised bigotries, but this is me mostly stating the realities that come with these challenges and especially with the challenges that come along with unlearning them (saying this as an Autistic, multigender, nonbinary and trans man who is Jewish and of former Soviet heritage).
Challenge (1): Not always being self-aware or not wanting to be even aware of your own biases, plus the discomfort you don’t want to understandably face for those internalised bigotries
First off, I need to address this from my subjective perspective (please feel free to add your own in the comments section as I want to be able to listen to the perspectives of other people on this, not just my own perspective).
There are times that I don’t even want to notice how much I misgender myself and people because my brain still believes that I am my dead gender and also due to external factors as well (i.e., being in environments where I am constantly misgendered and sometimes deadnamed), and I admit… I am ashamed of doing so. I know damn well I feel like a fucking monster towards myself whenever I do this, and also I feel like a danger towards myself and others. Yet… I also know the other side to this is that those can often embody as intrusive, unwanted thoughts that don’t actually reflect you as a person, but also as thoughts that were planted inside your head by outside sources that don’t represent you at all, nor aren’t you.
Yes, I know damn well, that it’s no excuse and the work of unlearning as much as you can while self-aware is constant and lifelong, narrow-minded thoughts pertaining to bigotry and to bigotry that’s ingrained in you to the point that it becomes subconscious/internalised bigotry, and when it can leave a person feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted in trying to fight/work on them. Plus, you don’t always have the emotional and mental strength, battery, or energy (or whatever term personally works for you) to continue fighting them. The reality of not always wanting to be self-aware about them (in a realistic, moral, and/or spiritual sense for some folks who are spiritual on their own terms) is more to do with not wanting to sit with them.
Challenge (2): Burning yourself out to the point you feel frustrated with yourself for not unlearning every single form of genuine hatred/bigotry
Okay… I am going to need to say this, and this shouldn’t be seen as controversial, but something that can be seen as common sense (or a fact of life, however you perceive it as).
While you’re trying to unlearn as much as possible from internalised bigotries you were ingrained with… You can’t unlearn every single one of them (I’m also going to need to learn this as well), as that will leave you bitter with yourself and burnt out while trying to better yourself as a person not only for yourself but also to be a better person towards others as well.
That can happen at some point, because you feel like you’re some ‘monster’ which you aren’t, since you’re only human. It’s also easier to keep expecting yourself as some perfect human being who is virtuous and can do no wrong than to stop expecting yourself to be perfect, and as someone who still struggles in being kind to himself when it comes to perfectionist tendencies… This is true.
It does suck, yes, and it sucks loads when you’ve already got perfectionist tendencies and the tendency to be harshly critical with yourself whenever you make honest mistakes while trying to do better for others and for marginalised communities whose voices are often taken away from them by people who speak over them.
Sometimes, it feels like you’re not actually getting better and it feels like you’re not even trying to fight with yourself and to fight with any internalised bigotries you’re dealing with.
There’s an anarchist saying that still rings true to this decade.
“Kill the cop in your head.”
You feel like you’re not doing a good job to stop policing yourself and the people around you, no matter how much you genuinely try to be better, and sometimes even you feel like you’re your own enemy, not just shitty things being taught to you by people and communities outside of yourself. Sometimes, you can’t manage the shit that’s you’ve been ingrained with either, even though you want to and you know deep down that you have to.
There’s times that you cannot kill the bigot, fascist, racist, misogynist/misandrist (etc), ableist and TERF/radfem inside your head, and that mentally and emotionally fucks you up.
Challenge (3): Refusing to confront your internalised bigotries while even struggling to not believe them
Okay, I will say this. I am a man who’s just as guilty of doing the exact same thing because I still subconsciously internalise whatever family says about who I am, even though they need to learn how to deal with reality… just because they’re family doesn’t give them the right to deadname me and misgender me, nor does it give them the right to have a supposed authority of who I am, because I am an authority of myself and my own genders, not them.
It truly sucks that they still ignorantly believe that bullshit, and they’re the ones who need to genuinely realise that I am my own person and I am the authority of MYSELF, not them because they need to realise that they don’t even know the deep layers of me, not the surface layers of myself that I’ve shown them.
This kind of thing can also be seen in families who are sincerely unsupportive, are conservative and narrow-minded (plus stubborn, or even stuck in their own ways because they densely believe that they know their own child better than they know themself, which is one piece of proof that parents who are like this see their child as an extension of themselves, not their own person) and refuse to have a smidge of common sense and basic human decency, no matter the excuses they come up with. If they truly loved their children and are genuinely struggling while also showing effort to be better in respecting their own kids as they are… then that’s an entirely different scenario.
Another layer of this is that it also fucks with you mentally and emotionally because you genuinely believe those fucked up thoughts you’re having (also consisting of internalised bigotries) deep down and also because of current shit you’re surviving and dealing with in life.
Sometimes, you don’t even want to confront that shit, because the idea of running away from the shit you’ve internalised deep down appeals to you more than facing it with yourself and with your support system by your side.
Challenge (4): Having difficulty with discerning your internalised bigotries (that often come in the form of unwanted, intrusive thoughts) from the bigoted shit you hear about from peers, family, and from the wider society in life
There is a lot to be said when it comes to that, but in all honesty… It sucks. It’s one kind of hell nobody wants to go through. It sucks because there are times that you don’t even notice or think about noticing that you also have additional internalised bigotries that also get in the way of unlearning a lot of internalised bigotries.
There are also some additional challenges when it comes to confronting your internalised bigotries, but I don’t have any additional thoughts pertaining to that.
Conclusion
Those are only some of the challenges that I’ve talked about when it comes to unlearning internalised bigotries, but anyone is welcome to share their perspectives on what they feel is challenging when it comes to unlearning internalised bigotries (and especially understanding that unlearning internalised bigotries is a lifelong journey that isn’t perfect, but is something that stays with you for life).
Plus… aren’t you only human after all? Isn’t the mind thinking too much also contributing to this as well?
This was a lot, but I am proud of myself for getting this out because… It needs to be said, and I don’t want to ‘sugarcoat’ or reword some shit too much. So, yeah. Here you have it gentlefolks and all who yonder.
