Curious About or Considering CNM (Consensual Nonmonogamy)? Here are the Top 10 Books Recommended by Sex Therapists, Educators, and Coaches on Opening a Relationship Ethically
While consensual or ethical nonmonogamy is by no means a new relationship construct, it hasn’t been quite as mainstream in the past as it is now becoming today. In fact, according to one research study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. have engaged in consensual nonmonogomy, and 29% of adults under the age of 30 consider open relationships to be morally acceptable.
As it becomes more mainstream, people who have little experience with hearing the terms or understanding the constructs of such relationships are often curious. Some find that a polyamorous or open relationship style better suits them but are unsure about how to develop a healthy relationship. They may wonder if their current relationship has a strong foundation to explore a new relationship style. Or, they may find out that others in their community, friends, or neighbors are part of a CNM relationship and want to know more about it. While I always suggest that it is best to seek out professional advice from a poly-affirmative sex therapist, certified sex educator/consultant/coach, or sex counselor before jumping into a new relationship style, these books can help begin the research process and gain a better understanding of how such dynamics work on a day to basis while maintaining healthy communication and boundaries.
While the list below is not exhaustive, it may help serve as a good starting point for learning about the dynamics of these relationship styles.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Polysecure focuses on the intersection of attachment theory and polyamorous relationships of all styles. Written by a polyamorous psychotherapist, it dives deep into how to cultivate a healthy consensual nonmonogamous relationship by addressing trauma, expanding on how emotional experiences can influence relationships, and provides six strategies to help create secure attachments with multiple relationships.
Bonus, it also has a companion workbook with journal prompts and exercises!
2. Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships by Kate Loree, LMFT
Open Deeply is a book that anyone interested in CNM should read. Written by a LMFT who has also practiced CNM since 2003, the book has been written to give a detailed and clear picture of the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life in a CNM relationship. Kate provides details from her own experiences, as well as those of many of her clients to create a realistic picture of CNM in practice. It is also filled with activities and skill-building tools that include neurobiology-informed grounding skills to create a strong foundation of open communication.
3. More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
More than Two and its companion book Polyamory and Jealousy provide practical advice and skills to not just address the building of an ethical nonmonogamous relationship but skills that can be used within any relationship, such as in career and even parenting.
4. The Polyamory Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Setting Boundaries, Communicating Your Needs, and Building Secure, Healthy Open Relationships by Sara Youngblood Gregory
This workbook comes highly recommended by many professionals in the sexual health and relationships field. It is designed to be interactive with journal prompts and activities to expand your emotional and relationship toolbox. In addition, the workbook is highly flexible because it can be used for new relationships as well as current nonmonogamous ones. It focuses on foundational knowledge such as different types of nonmonogamy, communication styles, boundary setting, consent, metamours and jealousy, pitfalls and red flags, how to handle breakups, and how to maintain your relationships. It also provides a section on kink and kink dynamics.
5. Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-on Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, & Beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell
Building Open Relationships is a great practical guide to how nonmonogomy works in the day to day life. Written by a psychologist, speaker, and coach, there is a combination of education, research, and life experiences that gives excellent context into the reality of nonmonogomy. It also provides discussion starters, worksheets, examples, and lessons to help people be successful in their journey in nonmonogamy.
6. A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage by Rhea Orion
Routledge publishing is known for printing fantastic research-based books about relationships of all kinds geared toward the academic, professional, and clinical side of things. While this book’s audience is intended to be therapists and clinicians, for couples that are more interested in a deeper academic/clinical understanding of the dynamics and psychology of the many different types of CNM relationships, this is a fantastic addition to your library.
6. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
Packed with interviews from over 100 people in all styles of open relationships, Opening Up details the real-life positives and negatives of being nonmonogamous, including solo polyamory. The topics of jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting, and time management are all discussed and addressed by real-life CNM people.
7. The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
The Ethical Slut is by far one of the most widely read books on CNM, and even referred in some circles as “The Poly Bible.” There is also a wide group that are not as big of fans of the book as they feel it is more anti-monogamous. However, it is still a highly valuable read to discover alternative relationship styles that includes topics of asexualiyt, sex workers, LGBTQ+ terminology, and was polys can thrive no matter their sexuality or identity. It offers tools for conflict resolution and insight into the history of polyamory.
8. Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera
This is one of the only books that specifically address the subject of CNM in BDSM and power-exchange dynamics. There is a large number of practitioners within BDSM, kink, and D/s that also practice CNM, but there has been little in terms of books and research that address this intersection. Filled with essays from practitioners, it helps shed light onto this growing community in a research-based way.
9. Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi
Similar to the other therapist’s guide previously mentioned, this book’s intended audience is also for clinicians, educators, and therapists. However, there is quite a bit of value to be found here for the more academic person interested in understanding CNM from a deeper space. It addresses complicated relational dynamics and effective ways to handle them, the effects of negative cultural bias, and debunks myths of CNM.
10. The Polyamory Paradox: Finding Your Confidence in Consensual Non-Monogamy by Irene Morning
Focused on the types of anxieties and insecurities of entering into a CNM relationship or changing your current relationship to one of CNM, this book takes a deep dive into how your body reacts biologically and emotionally. When opening up a relationship, there can be turmoil that can trigger reactions, leading to more problems in the relationship that can damage communication. This book provides a framework to secure intimacy, pleasure, and deeper healing, particularly as it relates to past relationship trauma.
While this list is only a small sample of the books that are out there, these are the ones I often recommend to clients right away to get them started on the path to CNM and decide if it is a relationship style that is right for them. CNM is not for everyone and should only be approached when strong communication, trust, and comfort are secure in the relationship and within one’s self. However, even if CNM is not right for you, these books can help you be more supportive of friends, coworkers, relatives, or communities you may know.
