The Real Queen of Christmas is Not Mariah Carey
There’s no denying that “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is the ultimate festive pop song. Or, is it?
It was exactly ten years ago that two Brits got together to concoct a heinously catchy and appropriately tacky Christmas song. One of them was comedian Peter Kay, the second was no other than Gary Barlow himself. Thanks to their glittery creation, the incomparable Geraldine McQueen deserves to be hailed as the true queen of Christmas. (Mariah probably doesn’t know her).
Geraldine’s Incredible Story
Born Gerry King, the singer-songwriter used to perform as a piano player on the Northern Irish ferries. After undergoing gender reassignment surgery in Bangkok and legally changing her name to reflect her gender identity and expression, Geraldine auditioned for the casting show Britain’s Got the Pop Factor . . . and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice. On the show, Geraldine vowed the audience again and again, eventually beating the band 2 Up 2 Down for the win . . . and then almost choking on glitter.
Okay, that’s only half the story.
As the show’s ridiculous name suggests, it was actually a well thought-out comedy programme designed to parody serious casting shows such as The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. The character of Geraldine, played by Peter Kay himself, embodies a generic middle-aged casting show winner with a tragic backstory and just about enough musical talent.
(Surprising) Commercial Success
Looking back on Kay’s portrayal of Geraldine, the transgender aspect of the character is rather problematic. Apart from that, however, Britain’s Got the Pop Factor and its charismatic winner are a near-perfect pastiche of (British) pop culture.
The show’s commercial success is testament to that. Not only were the viewing figures exceptionally high, Geraldine’s “Winner’s Song” — yes, that’s actually the title — with its two (!) stereotypical key changes made it to #2 on the UK charts and #1 on the Scottish charts. It was written by pop heavyweight Gary Barlow, who also hilariously sings the highest notes on the track.
After the success of the “Winner’s Song”, Barlow and Kay collaborated again for “Once Upon A Christmas Song”, Geraldine’s festive sophomore single. In the process, the two Brits created a monster of a pop song that, arguably, puts Mariah’s mega hit to shame.
She’s Got the Festiveness Factor
Ask yourself: what do you want from a Christmas pop song? It has to be catchy, of course, with hooks you can sing along to while decorating your tree and also after a few drinks at your office Christmas party. In addition to that, it has to be somewhat tacky. Let’s face it, Christmas in itself is tacky. You’ve got glittering lights, a clichéd message of love, and an overdose of totally real and never ever insincere joy.
Enter “Once Upon A Christmas Song”. While Mariah’s festive hits are serious offerings that, over the years, have attained a certain guilty pleasure status, Geraldine’s Christmas song is a parody of Christmas songs— and thereby THE quintessential Christmas song.
The chorus is based on the whole concept of catchy, kitschy songs that are played again and again every single year. The “we’ll be singing this over and over again” hook is brilliant in its message and catchiness, and the instrumentation is so stereotypical that it surely injects you with the mentioned overdose of momentary joy.
Combined with the wonderfully terrible music video that ticks every single Christmas commercial box, “Once Upon A Christmas Song” is so unabashedly too much of everything that it fits the festive season perfectly.
Peter Kay may have retired the character of Geraldine McQueen a long time ago, but — just like we do with Mariah — let’s celebrate her once a year as the true queen of tacky Christmas that she is. We’ll be singing her song “over and over and over again, over and over and over again . . .”
