“Incel” Is An Ideology
“Incel” is an ideology.
The term, a portmanteau for “involuntary celibate”, was coined by a Canadian woman who goes by the name “Alana.” After having gone through her own relationship struggles, she started a site to help others like her who couldn’t find romance; a place where they could to talk about their troubles. After becoming more socially confident, Alana left the site into someone else’s hands, only to find years later that her word had been appropriated by the Isla Vista shooter.
We are right to be critical of incels. We are right to be condemn those who blame women for their own lack of romance or sex, while doing nothing to improve themselves. We should be even more scathing towards those whose hatred drives them to the point of violence, and murder. “Incel” is a two-fold trap. It represents both the refusal to forgive oneself and the refusal to confront oneself. It is a strain of misogyny that stems from a fear of one’s own inadequacy and an inability to empathize with women who are just as frustrated as you.
Being a virgin does not make you an incel. Being single does not make you an incel. An inadequate sex life does not make you an incel. At its root, “incel” is an ideology of entitlement and an internalization of society’s shame. In this sense, any man can be an incel, regardless of where they are relationship-wise. The man’s true value isn’t defined by whether or not he’s in a relationship with another person, but whether or not he’s in a healthy relationship with himself. Insulting men you don’t like as “incels”, doesn’t help, either. It implies that there’s something defective about virginity or living single, and that, somehow, men who have had sex are less prone to misogynistic violence. Women, more than anyone, know that this isn’t true.
Some men, alone and uncertain, may ask themselves, “Am I an incel?” Others may never feel the need to ask such questions, though they probably should. The question shouldn’t be, “Is there something wrong with me because I am single?” The question, instead, should be, “Am I allowing the fact that I am single to warp my views on women and the world?” The world isn’t fair. Not all of us can control when we want to be in a relationship, but we can control how we handle ourselves amidst our distress. In your loneliness, will you choose bitterness and rage, and think nothing but the worst of those whom you envy? Or will you make your own way, growing yourself into a better man, while offering charity to those whom you most fear?
“Incel” is an ideology, don’t fall for it.
