Movie Review: Valentine (2001)
I think it’s pretty safe to say this is largely a forgotten movie. It’s one of those slasher movies that came out after Scream revitalized the genre, and it had a few either significant or soon-to-be significant names in it.
I had never heard of this movie until I saw some documentary on the best horror movies you’ve never seen. And to be honest, most of the movies on there that I had seen, I don’t like that much. So maybe I shouldn’t have checked this one out, either.
It starts out promising enough. Well, not really, I guess, technically. The opening scene is just a compilation of a middle school kid named Jeremy Melton striking out with girls at dances. It’s a terrible way to start the movie, even if it is important for the plot, but once the film skips ahead 13 years, the first real horror scene is pretty good.
Katherine Heigl plays a medical student who’s staying at the morgue late one night to work on a corpse.
The scare is a little predictable, but still effective. When she takes the scalpel to the torso of the body, it moves from breathing, and suddenly she’s being pursued by a masked killer, eventually to have her throat slit in a bodybag.
Paige (Denise Richards), Kate (Marley Shelton), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) all attend the funeral for Katherine Heigl’s character, who was their close friend. Yeah, these five women were the girls that rejected Jeremy in that awful opening scene.
I must say, there’s some bad casting here. Sure, they don’t all look the same age even though they were supposed to have all been in sixth grade together, but there are bigger issues here. Maybe it’s just because to my knowledge, I haven’t seen any of the three blondes in anything previously, but Denise Richards is the only one who looks distinctive. I can’t keep track of which of the three the others are. It’s not like their characters are that different or distinct, either. One of them is in a topsy-turvy relationship with Adam (David Boreanaz), who’s established as an alcoholic when he keeps a handle of tequila in his car’s passenger seat. But other than that, there’s not much there.
At least Denise Richards looks different.
Come to think of it, the only thing that makes one different from the others, is their relationship with men. This might not be that much of a casting problem, but it’s definitely a writing problem. At one point towards the end, Dorothy refers to each of them as typical sterotypes: the fun one, the smart one, the sexy one, the popular one, the fat one. As dumb as that is — and it is very dumb — it could have sort of worked if the movie sort of stuck to that. But we don’t actually see this. I mean, sure, Denise Richards is sexy. And Katherine Heigl is a medical student (the brainy one). But really, the differences are all about their relationships.
The four surviving friends are questioned by the police about the murder, but none of them really know anything, and then they all end up getting creepy Valentine’s cards from JM.
The story proceeds pretty much as you’d expect. All the drama is super lame, but the scare scenes are actually pretty decent. The art exhibit scene is well done, as convoluted as it is to get one of the characters on their own.
Speaking of the drama, you know like in I Know What You Did Last Summer when the main characters think they know who’s after them, but they don’t tell the police? The script gave them a compelling reason not to. This movie tries to do the same kind of thing, but the reason isn’t nearly as compelling. Sure, they suspect they ruined the boy’s life, particularly when Dorothy claimed he assaulted her, but they were still like 12 when it happened. I don’t think the movie presents a compelling or believable enough explanation for them to be hesitant to divulge this information to the police.
At first, only Dorothy knows that she lied about the whole thing, but after she’s questioned, she tells her two living friends that it was a lie, and they still don’t give this information to the police. When at that point, they shouldn’t even feel culpapable for what happened.
Anyways, Kate is the one dating the alcoholic, Adam. As lame as the drama is, I must say, Boreanaz at least plays it pretty well. He’s quite convincing as a guy who’s had some issues and is trying to prove to his girlfriend that he’s getting his life back on track, but it’s eventually revealed that he’s the killer.
And he doesn’t work there. They explain that he had plastic surgery and all, but I’m sorry, the guy seems way too well adjusted to be the killer here. And like, sure, you want that to be a surprise, as it’s revealed at the end. But it’s not a complete shock; Dorothy suspects it about twenty minutes before the movie ends. He’s not the first suspect, sure, but I don’t know. They did the thing where you’re supposed to think it’s him until the last five minutes, when you think it’s someone else, and after the story is complete, then they reveal it’s him. It’s an okay twist from a writing perspective, but Boreanaz’s performance doesn’t really make it work.
And with all the drama not working, but the horror scenes being pretty effective, I’ve got to say that it’s pretty well directed by Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend), but very poorly written.
But because a huge part of it works, it’s not that terrible. It’s probably worth being better known than it is. It deserves better than a 9% on RottenTomatoes.
It’s no My Bloody Valentine (either version), but if you’re looking for a halfway decent Valentine’s Day slasher flick, it’s probably worth it.
Rating: 5/10
