Asexuality is NOT a vow of celibacy.
This is the story about a 22-year-old man from Tennessee, who would like to be known as T.V..
T.V. recently graduated from college with a degree in chemical engineering. The last we spoke, he was on the lookout for a job, and like most of us, was finding it frustrating. In his free time, he likes to play the guitar and Xbox.
Who’s your go-to person?
His go-to person is his best friend, R.H.L. They used to be able to hang out oftener in middle and high school. Now that they live in different cities, they communicate over Xbox a lot. T.V. feels he can discuss almost anything under the sun with R.H.L.: both everyday and non-everyday stuff.
On peer pressure:
Back in high school, T.V.’s friends would talk about ‘getting him laid’, but T.V. never cared about ‘getting any action’. He wonder if he just had a low libido, and didn’t quite understand why his friends seem to care so much about having sex.
He has felt the need to pretend about his identity and feelings before. He would mention girls, whom he found to be pretty, and would say that he thought they are ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ instead. He also tried to pretend for a girlfriend, but he doesn’t feel like it worked too well for him.
On his sexual identity and romantic encounters:
T.V. identifies himself a possibly asexual, and definitely gray-sexual. While he is interested in pursuing romantic relationships, he often finds them confusing and stressful. While at college, he did have sex with his erstwhile girlfriend, and here’s what he had to say about it: “I don’t think I want to do it ever again (lol). It wasn’t terrible, but it felt…weird/wrong. I do masturbate, and it feels good — even better than sex.”
Coming across as quite the romantic, T.V. says that he has a tendency to fall in love easily, and would not rule out the possibility of being sexually attracted to women that he feels romantically attracted to. However, it might be after they become really close. It has not happened thus far to him, and therefore he can’t comment on it with conviction.
Talking about ‘the best relationship’ he’s ever had, he says that it was with an asexual Female-to-Male transgender man. T.V. felt that he could be himself, and so could his partner, with no pressure on either of them.
Learning more about himself:
The online community played a pivotal role in T.V.’s exploration of his sexuality. He realized that he didn’t really want to have sex after finding out about the online community of asexuals. He felt more informed. While he had never felt ashamed about not wanting sex sex, he would usually keep that preference to himself to avoid the ’20-questions game that inevitably follows’. He understands that other people might be curious/concerned about it, but it can get annoying.
On discussing his sexual identity with his folks:
T.V. hasn’t been able to discuss this with his parents yet — by his own account, they are ‘very Christian’, and they hate ‘the homosexuals’. He wonders: If they hate people based on something as arbitrary as sexual orientation, why wouldn’t they hate me for mine?
What got you think about (a)sexuality?
Sex is a big part of our society. If you don’t understand how you fit into the equation, whether it be straight, gay, asexual, or anything else, if you don’t understand yourself and your needs, it can be frustrating and unpleasant to try and go against your orientation. I first started thinking about this in high school, when one of my friends (part of a different group than the ones trying to get me to have sex) stated “Tv, you’re pretty much a potato”. I tried to argue with her, saying that I wanted sex, but looking back, I had made no effort whatsoever. Funny enough, in college, another one of my friends, during a discussion on sex with a few other people, told me “I’ve always thought you were asexual, tv.” Her response is what made me research into asexuality.
Advice to others:
Be true to yourself (I know that sounds cliche). Don’t be pressured to do anything you don’t wanna do. And if you end up wanting to, that’s great as well! Asexuals can have sex too (I have). Only you can decide what you are.
