Having a Big Personality and Letting What is, Be
Having a big personality is dangerous. In the eyes of others, I’ve always been “too much.” My laugh too loud, my conversation too honest, my hair too natural, my body too thick, skin too flawed and I don’t wear makeup often enough, don’t wear heels often enough, my clothes aren’t stylish enough. Etc. etc. Pretty much anything that goes against Black and White cultural ideas of what a woman should look like and how she should behave.
I never tried to be someone else. Some are good at being chameleons and changing up personalities based on the circumstances. Um, that’s not me. Lol. I may have gotten quieter, but I’ve usually been a bit too raw to switch up and play a role.
You know when you meet people for the first time and it’s a hit, a miss, or just ok. More often than not I would imagine it’s the same for most folks. But if I’m not connecting with anyone, I can’t take it. It feels gross to me, like a missed opportunity to share in humanity. Too much surface, cotton candy is bad for my soul. So I’d usually excuse myself sooner than later.
So while never trying to be someone else, it still wasn’t comfortable to be myself around just anyone. I made a decision to make myself go out to meet people. I put myself in uncomfortable situations at events, or a gathering of new friends, and look for a spark, a sign of life from those around me. And from that, I’ve been able to curate a lovely bunch of soul friends. More comfortable than not, these other humans I believe to be in the throes of living their best lives as well. Not that they get me in my fullness, per se. But I’m not as limited in what I can discuss with any one of them.
I know there’s all this talk about introvert or extrovert personality yada yada. Finding people you vibe with never gets easier for anyone, I don’t think. There’s always the awkwardness and the uncertainty of extending a vulnerable part of yourself and it not being received. Or misinterpreted. But that’s where your healthy boundaries and a perspective come in. Not taking things personally, and mostly understanding yourself foremost before handing the tender bits of yourself to another who may not be equipped or in the space to offer you what you’re looking for: validation, acceptance, perspective, or even just a listening ear. All things you can give yourself.
So do yourself a favor. Live your personality. Go through the process of knowing and understanding yourself and finding people who like that person. While it’s a constant practice and uncomfortable as hell, the time you get to share with people who it’s a joy to be around is truly priceless.
