Air BnB House Manual
Hello, and welcome! We are so glad you picked our home for your getaway here in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin. We are so proud of our home, and hope you enjoy it too! Please take a minute to read over this House Manual, as it includes lots of information about the property, and will help you get the most out your stay!
Keyless entry. We installed keyless entry for your convenience! The code is 1994.
The game room. We have a pool table and three shelves of board games in the basement for your enjoyment. Snuggle up with Scrabble or cuddle of with Clue, and let the concerns of everyday life drift away!
My ghost son. This is a big one. Watch out for my ghost son. He haunts the property, and is very dangerous.
The fire pit. For those chilly Wisconsin nights, there’s a fire pit in the backyard. Grab a cup of cocoa and pull up a rustic chair. If the fire starts to die, there should be plenty of extra logs along the side of the house, but a warning: that’s also one of my ghost son’s favorite spots to hide. He’s actually been known to hide under the first row of logs. So you’ll think you’re in the clear, but then you look down and see my ghost son’s chilly eyes staring back at you. That’s usually when he starts howling.
Kayaks! There’s a small boat house to the right of the dock, where we keep a couple kayaks for your enjoyment. Just be sure to sweep the kayaks for spiderwebs, and grab a life vest. Oh, and my ghost son isn’t afraid of water. Just a heads up. So if you’re kayaking around, and you start to hear an otherworldly laugh, that’s probably him. He also likes tipping the kayaks (seriously, bring a life vest). Oh, and remember when I said he comes out mostly at night? Well, he definitely haunts the lake a LOT during the day, so I guess this would be an exception to that rule. I sometimes wonder if he lives in the water. I guess I’ll never know though.
Pets welcome! By all means, bring your furry friends. My ghost son eats dogs though. Or, I guess “eat” might be the wrong word, because he doesn’t actually use his mouth. He just kinda envelops the dog’s body and the dog disappears. All that’s left is a viscous black liquid and high-pitched noise that takes a few minutes to die down. So maybe “consume” is a better word… Anyway, I think his hatred of dogs stems from when he was alive. He used to kill neighborhood dogs. It was really hard on everyone.
WiFi. We are excited to provide you with internet access for the duration of your stay! The network is called GETAWAY-1, and the password rotates. I don’t know what it is right now, because my ghost son is the one who rotates it (it’s not supposed to change). If you can’t figure it out, leave your computer open overnight, and he will have logged you in by morning. I’d suggest you clear your browsing history right away, though, because my ghost son is a hardcore member of the alt-right, and will have visited a lot of shitty sites in the interim.
Smoking. Our home is smoke-free, but you are of course welcome to smoke outside. It’s a great way to get some air after an explosive conversation with your wife about the best way to deal with your son, who you suspect might be evil incarnate. While you’re out there, you may think back to the time you were awoken by the sound of your son giggling, and opened your eyes to see him standing over you, holding a steak knife in one hand and the head of a sparrow in the other. He was three years old at the time… so young. Oh, and my ghost son is a smoker, so he might try to bum one off of you. I would say don’t give him one because that’s what a good father would say, but he’s a ghost so I don’t think he can get cancer. And, honestly it would be great if he did. Anything to end this incessant nightmare.
The kitchen. The kitchen is fully stocked with pots and pans, and the cabinets are all labeled! There’s a fire extinguisher hanging above the garbage can, which is useful if your son tries to set fire to the house, but succeeds only in asphyxiating himself. If this does happen, though, be forewarned: he might come back to haunt you as a spirit and become your ghost son. It could be an event so traumatic that your marriage can’t survive (whose could?). You’ll then find that you can’t step foot in the house you shared as a family because the memories are too strong, and the fact that you somehow raised the spawn of satan too stressful. Unable to sell the house, you’ll probably decide to put it up on Air BnB so you don’t lose too much money. And then you’ll slip into a deeper and deeper depression because you can’t help but blame yourself even though you know you did all you could. YOU DID ALL YOU COULD. And then, in a weird moment of nostalgia, you’ll code the front door lock in your son’s honor, and make it his birth year: 1994.
The Bose soundsystem. We have a Bose soundsystem!
