It Happened To Me: John Oliver destroyed me on HBO’s “Last Week Tonight”.

Every Monday I have a little ritual. I wake up, make myself a cup of coffee, and (because I don’t have an HBOGO password) go to YouTube to watch “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver”. I love this show. It is not just a weekly ritual for me…it is kind of like my Church! John Oliver combines humor with longform journalism and it feels like I get to laugh and really learn something at the same time. Mr. Oliver is true Satire. In the past, John Oliver has tackled such rich topics as payday Loans, government surveillance, and Brexit. But today, I sipped my Green Mountain Keurig Coffee, clicked on the latest video, and my heart stopped.

John Oliver, my hero, my role model, my Northstar of wit and social comedy; turned his sights against me. I was shocked. I was hurt. I was not ready for this fiery longform roast. And it was clear from the beginning, that in classic John Oliver style, he wasn’t pulling any punches.

“When you hear the name “John” you either think of a toilet or an emancipated British Talk Show host with bad teeth…both are disgusting, white, and filled with germs; but John Sabine happens to be worse than both!”

Nothing was off limits. I got my degree in Theater and Dance from Santa Clara University (Go Broncos!) and Oliver honed in like The Shark of Satire he is.

“Theatre and Dance degrees: Degrees for people who are too dumb to get an English degree and can’t afford the weed to get a Philosophy degree”.

And the worst part? He was completely right. I mean it really hurt my feelings, like really hurt my feelings…but dammit he was right. And he didn’t stop at my academic life; his amazing research team must have gotten ahold of my medical records because he brought up my gallbladder removal surgery from 2004.

“Stupid Idiot John Sabine got his gallbladder removed. The gallbladder is like the Ringo Starr of organs. You can technically get by without it but it probably best to still keep it around. Hashtag RingoBladder.”

Oh God no. One of his patented John Oliver hashtags. Now this public beating will trend worldwide. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he closed the segment the only way the moral compass of a generation could. Lin-Manuel Miranda and the cast of the Broadway smash hit “Hamilton” came out and performed a parody song called “John Sabine is an idiot”, to the tune of “Alexander Hamilton”. I tried to listen to the lyrics as best I could but it was tough because the tears just kept coming.

“How does a boy, Caucasian, allergic 2 raisins, privileged, educated like sacrilege, look marketable grow up to be completely unremarkable?

John Sabine is an idiot

I’m saying John Sabine is an idiot.

And there’s a million things he’ll never do. He’s the worst. He’s the worst”

By 9:30am central standard time on August 15 there were this many views:

My phone was flooded with texts and calls. My Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram had to be shut down. My parents begged me to move home to Texas because if Dr. Oz can’t survive an Oliver takedown, then surely I had no hope. I’m not as strong as Dr. Oz. But I will say this: as tough as it was to have The Butcher of Birmingham take me down; I am thankful for it! Oliver uses comedy to make real social and political change. If he thinks that I am a stupid idiot then I probably am. I have used this as a wakeup call to make some real personal changes. Comedians are integral for a healthy and compassionate society, so thank you Mr. Oliver. Thank you very much. #RingoBladder.

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