Veep Babies
Growing up, I always loved the show Muppet Babies. If you’re not familiar, it’s a show featuring Jim Henson’s “The Muppets” but as “babies”. I think this formula is sadly under utilized so I thought I would bring the Baby Formula (pun INTENDED!!!!) to other classic shows. Here is a sample of a new pilot called “Veep Babies.”
INT. SELINA’S NURSEY OFFICE
Selina is pacing in her crib worried about her play date. Gary and Richard are pacing in solidarity.
SELINA
This is so fucked. I can’t have a play date with the biting kid. It really is a matter of national security my national security. Where’s my pacifier?
GARY
On it!
Gary goes looking for Selina’s pacifier.
SELINA
I mean not even a Kennedy baby has been in so much danger, well except Rosmary.
RICHARD
To be fair she probably didn’t realize she was in any trouble.
SELINA
Right??
RICHARD
Yes. Because of the lobotomy. It’s really sad when you think about it…
Gary rushes in with red pacifier
SELINA
Not the red one. I want blue! When have I ever wanted the red one? What is wrong with you? Did your parents vaccinate you twice?
RICHARD
Actually that study has been widely discredited.
Dan runs in.
SELINA
Dan you beautiful baby. Tell me you have good news.
DAN
I’m going to make your day like seeing a fire truck or jingling keys. I got the play date to be just a story hour. You just have to sit near him and listen to a story.
SELINA
Now THIS is good news! Dan you did it! You are a miracle baby! You are an argument for defunding Planned Parenthood!
DAN
Believe me, if my parents had access to basic health care I wouldn’t be here.
RICHARD
That’s sad. Or encouraging. Wow, that’s complicated.
SELINA
What’s the story?
DAN
The Giving Tree.
SELINA
No. No Shel Silverstein. Too partisan. I have to seem like I am not pushing an agenda.
GARY
The Giving Tree is about unconditional love.
SELINA
Unconditional love is now a liberal talking point. Change it.
DAN
Jesus who has the time for love without conditions? I can get it changed to Goodnight Moon.
SELINA
Is saying “goodnight” partisan?
DAN
Not yet.
RICHARD
Maybe if you say it during an execution but that’s usually at 12:00am so it would technically be “Good Morning” so I think you’re ok.
SELINA
Where the fuck is Mike? Gary can I get 3 Cheerios??
RICHARD
I think Mike is still napping. I didn’t know babies could have sleep apnea.
Jonah struts in.
JONAH
Well if isn’t Snow Too White and the 7 Fucktards!
DAN
Jesus Christ Jonah, you have to be the world’s longest baby. How many weeks did your mom go through labor? Or did she lay a long weird egg and did you hatch like a baby snake?
RICHARD
I used to think worms were baby snakes…but they’re not…different animals.
JONAH
For your information I was the longest baby born in Hillsborough County that year so my family got my length in cheese so fuck off.
RICHARD
One is a reptile and one is an bug. But I like to think they get along.
SELINA
What do you want, SIDS??
JONAH
SIDS??
DAN
Name for the baby you want….
JONAH
Word around the play pen is that you got caught drinking formula. Boom!
SELINA
So what?
JONAH
It’s not playing well with some of the mom groups.
SELINA
What? Because I drink formula and don’t treat boobs like it’s freshmen year in Comstock Hall??
Selina closes her eyes
JONAH
What are you doing?
SELINA
When I close my eyes you disappear.
RICHARD
It usually take 8–12 months for coordination of secondary circular reactions, which is the most important stage of developing object permanence.
DAN
As much as it pains me to say it, Jonah might be right.
JONAH
Boom! And this little piggy got some! Goo Goo Gaa Gal Motherfuckers!
They hear crying on a baby monitor. The Biter is awake.
SELINA
Let’s just get this over with.
Gary has found the blue pacifier and also has Selina’s Cheerios.
SELINA
What are you doing? I don’t want these.
