Ally Chats: Communication

Published in

Asian Leaders Alliance

8 min readJun 27, 2021

In the past, it has been said that when people are placed into positions of greater privilege or power, it becomes their duty to leverage and act as advocates for those who are not in those or similar positions. We do not see that very often is the practice, unfortunately. I would also take that saying and adjust it specifically for those who wish to become or better themselves as Allies to this: “Upon becoming aware of the needs of others, is this how you would want to to be treated? If not, then listen first, ask questions second, show up for them, and advocate consistently until changes have been achieved.” I would add listening at every turn.
We have also seen an unfortunate miscommunication trend based firmly within the “Intention versus Impact” realm of communication. Take a moment as an Ally to review what it is you’re communicating to others and does the impact of your communication match your intention? This is why it is imperative to ask members of your group you are allied with to review what you write so that you do not mismatch your intention and impact. Part of Active listening is to be willing to listen, clarify, and change your communications accordingly. Do not hesitate to learn from your mistakes.
I know this is titled as a Communication post. However, listening and the posture of listening is also an essential and often overlooked part of communications. When one listens more than they talk, they gain insights that would normally have been missed.

Listening Types

There are several ways in which a person can listen more effectively than others when applied to being an ally. One of the most effective tools is Active Listening. Through active listening utilization, one can begin to avoid misunderstandings and help build trust. This also helps to establish a communication flow rather than close-mindedness. If there is a redirect of the conversation, one can redirect back to the topic at hand. This technique requires that one be present in the conversation, understand what is being said — ask for clarification if not understanding- proper response, and then remember what is being said.

While I do not use this technique by itself regularly, I have found that it is an excellent foundation to start with. When being an ally, you may discover terminology, and word definitions are being used in ways that you are not familiar with, so you must have the empathy and the open mind to be taught how others are using those definitions and terms for clarity. Many of the key elements of active listening require you to do a lot of self-reflection and actualization. The primary six skills are: paying attention, withholding judgment, reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, and sharing.

You may struggle as you learn these new skills. That is normal.

Paying Attention

Key elements I have found effective for me were also some of my most challenging. In my past, I had (and I still struggle with this) a tendency to finish people’s sentences or thoughts. Using technology as an analogy, you can say that my brain is wired with a predictive text program, which can cause many issues if I do not use self-control. It can lead to assumptions that are incorrect or other issues. This is a good example of not paying attention. I didn’t allow the speaker the time nor the space to finish their statements or thoughts. When actively listening, I am now in the habit of tilting my head slightly to my left. This physical posture is my cue that I need to pay attention and be fully present.

Judgement Free Zone

It would be best if you remembered to hold back any judgments while you are paying attention. Instead, ask yourself why you have that judgment and then rephrase the judgment into a question for the speaker. As an ally, you are not trying to sell a point, nor are you there to argue. You are there to gain understanding and clarity. The more empathy you can achieve through the conversations, the better.

Take a moment here to do some self-reflection by asking yourself two questions: what is your underlying motive, and how do you check your reactions to what you are hearing? Now would be a good time to go back and take the Harvard Implicit Association Test again if you have already taken it. We change day to day on many levels, from the mental to the physical. We also change our mental states daily from moment to moment, so taking this regularly helps provide you with a brief snapshot of where you are at within the current moment.

Having this awareness when entering into a conversation as an active listener makes you more receptive to actually hearing what is being said and not just listening to the words. It also allows you to go into the conversation without any preconceptions or hidden agendas that your ego may want to present. Remember that you are here to listen, hear, support, champion, and advocate for others — not for yourself or self-promotion.

Reflection

When you reflect and paraphrase key points, remember you are seeking clarity and understanding from those around you. A key point to remember is that as an Ally, you are attempting to gain information that you can use at a later date to champion the cause you are involved in. At this point, you can gain more insight into the physical, financial, societal, and emotional burdens of those you are attempting to help. This is an excellent time to validate their frustrations, anger, angst, etc. You should be feeling some of this as well at this time if you have been paying attention. Remember, don’t get angry for them; get active for them. Remember, it is the duty of an Ally to do their research based on the conversations that you have had. Dig into the group’s history, see how society has treated the members of these underrepresented, minority societies. Look for the injustice patterns that emerge, then work with those to whom you are allied to create a plan of advocation and education. Let this start to be the fuel for your allyship.

Clarify

Always seek clarification, never make assumptions. Do not be shy to ask questions that clarify issues that appear ambiguous or unclear. The emphasis of active listening is on asking, not on telling. Once you feel you understand, you are ready to summarize. This stage is, in my opinion, one of the weakest areas for an Ally. It is easy to make assumptions and autofill the blanks with your own limited information, which is where the danger arises. Do not, under any circumstances, make assumptions. It takes time and effort, but the rewards are very significant when you have clarity and understanding that is concise versus vagueries. I have a rule of thumb that I hold off if I have a question about an action I want to do. The same rule applies when I am in my role as an Ally. If I have a question, I go to the source first to seek clarification and understanding and validate how I interpret the information is indeed the correct way to interpret.

Summary

Through the restating of key themes from the conversation, you gain consensus or agreement about what is important and what actions you as an ally should take. Repetition is part of Active listening, so here is another chance to verify and validate the information you have distilled from the conversations and verify that your perspective is correct or needs to be adjusted. Have conversations regularly on a set tempo to always be on the same page as those you are an ally for. Remember that you are not the expert here. You are an Ally who will champion and advocate. There is nothing wrong with admitting when you are incorrect and adjusting. It shows you are willing to learn and grow.

Again, active listening is about understanding others. As you understand and clarify over time, and through many conversations, you can then begin to introduce your ideas and suggestions. As an Ally, you do not want to act alone or go rogue; that is not being an ally. Work out the plan to amplify their voice, concern, and desires for social equity or justice. Once you have an agreed-upon plan, utilize your privilege status, and promote and amplify. If using social media, tag them in the postings if you have their permission to do so. Let them take center stage and step out of the way. Stepping out of the way does not mean your job is finished. Not by a long shot. You now move into the next stage of continuing the communications and again listening and paying attention to their needs as the situations evolve over time.

Ego Driven Allyship

By listening, one has to challenge their selfishness and their ego-driven allyship. As I said in the previous post, I would like to cover this topic. Unfortunately, there are those out there who are so self-centered that they are unaware of the damage that their actions create. In the NPQ(Non Profit Quarterly) issue of December 14, 2020, Anastasia Reesa Tomkin addressed this issue very succinctly in her article NPQ Unpacking the False Allyship of White Racial Justice Leaders. She calls out the impact those actions driven by the three P’s (Power, Profit, Prestige) has on the people those “Allies” are supposed to be helping.

As a Cis-Gay Man, I have seen this all too often within the foundations created to help the LGBT+ communities. It has caused fractures and splits within the local community in which I live. It is to the point where most of the older members of the community who saw it’s birth and growth and splintering no longer wish to be involved due to the toxicity of the supposed “Allies” who gained prestige and power due to their own self-service and the ignoring of the community service. We are finding other ways and areas in which to be involved to help the LGBTQIA+ youth who need help through more national organizations that have a local presence. Alex Myers, Asst Opinion Editor for The Los Angeles Loyolan Student Newspaper, wrote a good read that highlights how destructive this behavior is in their edition published on November 16, 2018, Updated January 23, 2019, Dear Straight People: Leave your ego at the door if you want to be a good ally