Ally Chats: Space

Intro

Welcome back to another edition of Ally Chats. In this issue, I want to chat about the concept of Psychological Safety and its role within ERGs. So much of the information currently out there, with the focus being primarily on the Workplace, but I want to switch it up just a tiny bit and bring it out of its comfortable box for a bit. I will be writing from my experiences as a member of a URG (Under Represented Group- LGBTQIA+) and as an Ally.

My Wandering Mind — a Map to help

After receiving some feedback, I feel that I may lose some of you through my mind processes that are apparent within my writing. It was suggested that I show you a map of the overall theme of this article to help you better understand and discover the connections between that I am attempting to share. This is a mind map or radiant thinking map. Start in the center and then to the right at Psychological Safety/Safe Space and work your way around clockwise. You can also see the connections between the subject matters as well. Don’t worry if the map appears confusing at first glance, it should become understandable as you read through the article.

What inspired me to write this particular article

I have been sitting with my memories for a while now and the various calls for safe space I have been reading about. I tend to read- a lot! I have been scrubbing through my various groups and saw that there is currently an increased call for a safe space. Space where members of both URGs and URMs can be vulnerable, expressive, vent, empathize, and sympathize with each other without fear of judgment, criticism and are accepted through their common experiences as members of their respective URM or URG. Seeing this brought back memories from my time at Clearfield Job Corps Center (1992–1993). Now is the time for me to share my story and to listen to other’s stories. Through this, I hope to address the different types of safe space and help clarify the differences between them.

Personal perspective and experiences over the years

By the time I went to Job Corps, I had already been out to some of my friends for a few years. I was also living on and off the streets and couch surfing at times. I had found very few people whom I would call “my adopted family.” I worked full-time jobs but would never stay long whenever I moved back in with my parents. I never truly felt ‘safe’ unless it was with certain people of my inner circle. At work, I had my ‘armor’ on, always on the defense. After I got to Job Corps, it took me a bit to build my trust for others. After working with the dorm counselors, I asked if there was a support group for LGBTQ+ members. There was!

This group had many facets to it, and I eventually was elected as the second president of the group.

Private space

The group was sponsored by one of the campus Psychologists who created a safe space for all of us, where we could come together as a group and be vulnerable. This was our private space where we could be ourselves without fear of judgment or criticism. We also were allowed to have private sessions as well. We would share how our week went if there were issues with other students or Dorm RAs, or occupational Instructors. We bonded over our pasts and shared experiences. From here, I finally came out to my parents years after I had done so with my friends. After a while, our core group felt cohesive and strong enough to invite those we thought would support us or who we saw struggling with their identity acceptance.

Open space (invite only)

We very carefully and slowly began to open our space to our allies. Some of the core members didn’t think it was a good thing to do at first. After we started this phase, a situation happened where there was a gay bashing of one of our members on campus. Our allies, who were now part of our support group, stood with us during this time. The assailants were eventually caught and charged with assault and battery; there were no hate crimes bills at the time. They were also expelled from the Job Corps program. Our allies listened and showed up for us. Anyone who said anything homophobic would immediately be confronted by our allies, taking the burden off of us. Our allies listened to us in our group meetings, they showed up for us when we were threatened, and they spoke up when needed. All because we had the courage to let them into our space.

Public

Clearfield Job Corps student population was going to have a Cultural Day celebration with highlights on the Native/Indigenous, Asian, SEA, African, Latin student support group members, each one celebrating their heritage to help educate each other and build bridges. We asked if the LGBTQ+ group would be allowed to participate. At first, we were told “No,” by the administration. However, through historical documentation and research, we showed the influence that members of the LGBTQ+ community had on society, both historically and current events. Eventually, the administration allowed us to participate. It was a win for us. Since the group was started with the concept of anonymity of its membership, this was a huge step in becoming more visible and public. We had made the move to the Public space now, and following the advice of Harvey Milk, we wanted to make certain that people knew someone who was a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

ERG Experiences

In more recent years, I helped co-found a local chapter of a global ERG. While we had executive sponsors and members from our office, there were many open communications that took place. At the same time, there was a sub-group of our members who, based off of their past experiences with local leadership, did not fully trust or feel like they fully belonged or were included. Then there were those who did. There were also a couple of private channels of communication that went on. The private communications created a lot of tension and, unfortunately, encourage many small acts of exclusion ((SAEs)microaggressions)that unfortunately kept a toxic environment going instead of clearing the air. Having seen and experienced this first hand, I would have to say if you are going to have a Private Space, you should set clear ground rules and not devolve into an echo chamber of negativity. If you are in leadership, you should expect something like this to happen. It is best (not just for leaders, but everyone) if you, as a leader, assumed those under your leadership will do the correct actions. Whether you are a leader or a member of a URG, URM, it is a good practice to get into the mindset of assuming good intentions, which includes assuming that one will always choose the correct action. There will be a disappointment. However, these can open opportunities to do a ‘call in’ when the incorrect actions have surfaced either as SAEs or direct actions.

As leadership, you should have set a clear example of your expectations and developed a culture of trust with your subordinates to come to you. Let’s take a brief pause here and find a common definition for the word “trust.” Per Merriam-Webster, the definition of the word ‘trust’ that I vacillate between are as follows:

a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of

someone or something

b: one in which confidence is placed

As we progress in this edition, you will see that it is not synonymous with safety or psychological safety. The word ‘trust’ comes into play, for certain, but it is not the definition of those terms and is often confused or merged by many. By your leading example and clear expectations you have set for your coworkers and subordinates, they also know that you listen and take appropriate actions. You set the tone and are the guide. The worst thing you can do is to take actions that burn the bridges of trust.

Space

Space has so many definitions and uses I feel that I should narrow down exactly what I am referring to when I say ‘space.’ According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the tenth entry states:

a. : the opportunity to assert or experience one’s identity or needs freely

b. : an opportunity for privacy or time to oneself

I would expand on the second entry to include “group needs or opportunity for privacy. “ The reason I would include that here is that we are having a chat about ERGs after all and being an ally. There are various forms of what a person would call Safe Space out there. At this time, I would like to take a brief moment to give an oversimplified definition for the types that I have seen over the years and then do a brief dive into the sectional types of space.

Psychological

Having space where you can feel Psychologically safe is paramount to individuals being able to bring their full authentic selves to be present, whether it is at work, home, or play. Many members of Under Represented Minorities (URMs) and Under Represented Groups (URGs) do not have the luxury to let their guards down, out of fear by becoming another statistic of violence, we tend to always be in a state of survival in general. Having this space allows members to take down their shields and take off their masks to become extremely vulnerable in their sharings. It is difficult for many to share, and it takes time before they feel the space is safe for them to expose themselves in such a vulnerable manner. There are ways that companies, leadership, managers, and coworkers can contribute to creating this space at work that I will get into in just a bit.

Physical

Having a physical space where you and other members of your URG or URM can go and have interactions with each other safely and be their authentic selves for just a few minutes per day is a great mental and emotional break which in the long run leads to higher productivity for the company.

Circle of protection

There are times when someone has been victimized. At these times, a circle of protection tends to be formed by members of the communities in which the victim is also a member. When the circle of protection has the validation and backing from leadership, this deepens the confidence that has been created. Suppose management or leadership do nothing and say nothing. In that case, it sends a very clear message that the individual is not of value and that the community as well is not of value, which burns all the previously built credence and turns it into ash.

Fortress of isolation

One of the most emotionally and psychologically damaging spaces that can occur is what I have come to term the fortress of isolation. This is also one of the most common forms of space that gets created first. Due to their individual experiences of being on the receiving end of discrimination, harassment, and microaggressions (SAEs), these are created so that they are not hurt any further. This becomes a barrier and can contribute to a toxic work environment if the members are not shown trust, compassion, and empathy.

Place of vulnerability- Sacred Space

We must acknowledge that there are times when we need to be raw emotionally, mentally, and physically. Many may be wondering why I am talking about this here; let me share my thoughts. You spend a minimum of 20–40 hours per week with your coworkers. Three hours might be with your manager or supervisor. Throughout this time, you may have been subjected to several implicit biases or SAEs (I agree with authors Dr. Tiffany Jana and Michael Baran — Subtle Acts of Exclusion: How to Understand, Identify, and Stop Microaggressions when they state there is nothing small about microaggressions) this wears a person down emotionally and takes a physical toll over time. Your brain has registered these actions and registers them as pain. Repeated exposure to this pain creates a constant state of fight or flight, which your body cannot physiologically sustain for long periods without breaking on some level.

This constant state of stress is predominant with those who are visibly members of URMs or URGs. Having space to just let their guards down without fear of being attacked or placed back into the pain cycle is very beneficial to each person. If you are an ally who has had the honor and privilege to be included at this vulnerable time, remember to lead with compassion after you have taken the time to listen fully and intently to what is going on. If you, as an ally, are not invited to this sacred space, please respect that. You do not need to know everything that has gone on; you only need to know that they need your support without questions.

You may have noticed that I called this Sacred Space. That is because this is exactly what it is. This space gives the members permission to be extremely vulnerable, raw, and open about their pains, hurts. There are many times when members want to speak without anyone saying anything- remember, Silence is a powerful tool for communication.

Now to many, this may have started to sound like spaces for counseling or therapy; these are not. Instead, these are spaces that have an impact on a person’s work environment and productivity. Having shared experiences and the ability to talk through the emotional rollercoaster ride can be very productive for the members so long as it does not become an echo chamber.

How to conduct space safely

Psychological Safety

Before I go any further, I feel that it is important that we share the same understanding of the terms being used. We first need to define and then come to a mutual agreement for the definitions we are using. We must first look back to the origins of the term ‘Psychological Safety.” This was first introduced by Amy Edmondson, who also coined the term Psychological Safety. Amy defined the term as “a shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.” Amy went further on to state, “It describes a team climate characterized by interpersonal trust and mutual respect in which people are comfortable being themselves.”

So we can generalize a shared definition for Psychological Safety as the following:

“Common held belief by a group or team members that others within this group or team will not embarrass, reject or punish you for speaking up. It is an interpersonal trust within a climate of respect that allows members to feel safe in taking risks. Members feel that they belong to the team or groups, which allows the members to be vulnerable.”

Even when we work on breaking it down, there is still a lot that needs to be unpacked. For me, the biggest underlying issue is trust. Again, to reemphasize, trust is not about safety, but trust does play an integral role in creating and maintaining safety.

What it is not

Psychological Safety has become the latest hot button phrase within the DE&I spaces, and for a good reason. Many workplaces are still toxic with the microaggressions (SAE- Subtle Acts of Exclusion coined by Dr. Tiffany Jana and co-author Michael Baran in their work Subtle Acts of Exclusion). As such, there has been a call for Psychological Safety at the Workplace to be implemented. However, many people (myself included until I did my due diligence) have an incorrect understanding of what it is and what it is not. Going to the originator of the term, Amy Edmondson, she calls out four specific areas that Psychological Safety is not. Let’s take a very brief look at these four.

Being Nice

Psychological Safety is not about being nice. It’s about candor. Remember above where it was called out that, “Common held belief by a group or team members that others within this group or team will not embarrass, reject or punish you for speaking up..” If one is to be open and feels able to speak up without fear of ridicule, judgment, or harassment, one should understand that what will be communicated may not be the ‘nicest’ things said, but they are truthful. It is a place where one can comment on actions or pitch ideas honestly and openly. It is a MENTAL Friction. It is not a Social Friction. Things being said should never be attacks on personality or character, only the facts and actions. It takes a lot of grace and humility on both sides. As you progress in this area, you will find a bonding of your team or members in ways that wouldn’t have been possible without this understanding that Psychological Safety is productive disagreement and the ability to speak candidly.

Personality

Some people have assumed that Psychological Safety is connected to being an extrovert. Not the case. Because when an environment is perceived as being psychologically safe, all groups of personality types feel the implicit permission to speak up fearlessly regardless of their primary personality type.

Trust

As discussed earlier, Psychological Safety does not Trust equate. Suppose we refer back to the definition of trust. In that case, we see it is more related to the individual or group placing assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. Contrast that with how Amy Edmondson describes psychological safety is experienced as a group level and goes into further detail with her story (pg 16–17 The fearless organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for learning, innovation, and growth)

Lower Standards

Some leaders who hear of Psychological Safety in the Workplace will sometimes misunderstand it to mean that you are sacrificing work standards if you provide a psychologically safe workplace. It is the opposite that needs to be encouraged by having high standards and Psychological Safety that then leads to a learning environment with increased productivity. However, if you have established high standards but do not encourage or support a Psychological Safe workplace, you create an environment of anxiety, adding to the trauma of the individuals.

As you can see from what was discussed earlier, there is a difference and a parallel to both a psychological safe space and a supportive safe space. Having the information helps us by informing us of the similarities and differences between the two, so when you ask for a safe space, you can be more specific as to which you want. Be it a psychological safe space where you can participate in the four stages of Inclusion safety, Learner safety, Contributor safety, and Challenger safety, or want to find yourself in a supportive, safe space where you can speak confidentially with peers about shared experiences.

Ally in Space

As an ally, you may find yourself being invited into a deeper circle of trust within the communities you have proven and shown through your actions that you are not just performative. This is a gift of trust from the community members, and not all community members may be on the same comfort level with you that others are. That is alright. You don’t need to be in all the community areas. However, you do need to be consistent.

Being invited vs. assumption

One of the biggest things I have heard and read about recently is the feeling of being ‘invaded by allies’. If you are an ally, wait and be patient for an invitation to join that circle of trust. The biggest mistake that allies make without thinking about it is to assume this has given them permission to speak over the community members. If you are honored to have an invitation, it is a license to listen more and to hear and be more empathetic with the community members. Wait until you are asked to speak up. If you have a deep relationship with individual members, you can talk to them outside the space and ask them for their input about what you have observed and would like to know more about. If they invite you to a supportive space, please take the time to ask them if the person who is inviting you has asked others in the support space if they would be comfortable with you attending. If there is any question or hesitancy about your presence within a supportive space, gracefully decline. Thank the person who asked you to join, and make it clear that you would attend once others in the support space have granted their permission — again, allyship does not give you the right or privilege to invade their space.

How ally can support outside the space

Some companies are now attempting to participate on all levels within an ERG. While this is a good tactic to help ensure a psychological safe space, it can become unintentionally intrusive if there is no set boundary between a psychological safe space and the supportive safe space. Make certain that you have a clear and detailed definition of the two spaces, even if they eventually blend into a singular safe space. This way, companies can ensure that they can create protocols for the expected roles of allies. As a URG/URM group, you can help create the protocols for your expectations for allies and what roles they play within your group. Remember, you cannot move forward if you isolate or insulate yourself from your allies. They are there to be your advocates within the spaces where you and your community are missing. Many who show up as allies are there for genuine reasons, assume good intent.

The Fakers and Fame Seekers

Unfortunately, you may have already been exposed to the fakers and fame seekers. We all want to belong and be validated. It is a base human survival instinct to create our own groups that give us the greatest chance of survival. At the same time, some are predators who seek to infiltrate our groups. This validation that we seek, the fakers have weaponized, and their validation can hurt deeply. With the advent of social media platforms, we have become conditioned through the psychology of the internet to feel validated or rewarded when someone presses that ‘Like’ button. It is has become the modern prayer wheel, sadly. The fakers and fame seekers have created a culture of shaming which demands participation and compliance. Individually we each have free will that we can put into practice by refusing to reciprocate and shutting out the predators. It is then each person’s responsibility to alert others of the predatory practices of the fakers. Group policing is a matter of fact, especially in this day and age, and we need to be responsible in our actions.

Self-policing is not to be used out of vindictiveness or cancel a person because they made a mistake. It is for self and group preservation uses. As members of a URG/URM, we must first and always assume good intentions. This is probably the hardest thing that we can do, but it is vital if we are going to have our allies help us. If you are finding it difficult to assume good intent, you are not alone. It takes time, patience, and lots of self-awareness.

May each of you find your safe spaces and allies that can help lift you up.

Resources:

Brown, Jennifer How To Be An Inclusive Leader: You Role in Creating Cultures of Belonging Where Everyone Can Thrive

Clark, Timothy R. The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety

Edmondson, Amy C. The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth

Goleman, Daniel Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ

Jana, Tiffany (They/Them) and Baran, Michael (He/His) Subtle Acts of Exclusion: How to Understand, Identify, and Stop Microaggressions