In My Search for “the One” I Only Find Halves and Quarters
Dear Hank:
I’m 50 years old, and since I came out 30 years ago I’ve been looking for “the One.” I thought I found him several times. In fact, I’ve been in two seven-year relationships, and there was one that lasted three years. I actually almost got married!
But each time I came to realize that I wasn’t getting everything that I’d been looking for. So now, deep into my Daddy years, I’m wondering if I should be looking for the Two, or the Three, or even the Four. In other words, does monogamy really make sense? And is there any state (or country) where three guys can have a single wedding ceremony, or be acknowledged as domestic partners?
A Disheartened Dating Daddy
Dear DDD:
Well, I’ve never bought the idea that there is “the One.” I mean, what if that’s true, and he’s somewhere in Siberia, or in Alcatraz or Folsom prison? (However, if you live in California, Connecticut, New York, or Washington, you can have a prison “conjugal visit” — sex behind bars).
Consider that on MTV’S “Are You the One?” reality TV series it took complex algorithms, dates, and “matching” ceremonies for contestants to find their “Ones.” And while some of them raked in some cash prizes, it doesn’t appear that any of them found a One they could stick to.
I think the “One” concept puts a lot of unfair pressure on both partners in a couple (stay tuned for future questions and answers about throuples). There’s always going to be something that one of you wants that the other can’t or won’t provide. It might be a particular sex kink (e.g. he limits his water sports to swimming, surfing, canoeing, and kayaking). Or maybe he finds drag shows to be a drag, or really isn’t willing to argue with you over whether Pete Buttigieg is the right guy to be named ambassador to China. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have other things to offer, as do you.
Pressuring your loved one to deliver everything your heart desires (and his pressuring you to do that same) is probably why you’ve twice had to scratch a seven-year itch.
Not assuming that “the One” delivers all doesn’t necessarily mean you need to agree to a polyamorous relationship. If it works for two guys, they can keep the love between themselves. But why wouldn’t a guy let his lover go out to dinner alone with his BFF? Why would he object to you spending your weekend at the annual Palm Springs “Wet and Hot” event (so long as you promise to shower before you return home)? If you live together, why not have two TVs, so you can watch Rachel Maddow while he watches “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”?
Maybe you can create a list of what you want in your interactions with other homosexual homo sapiens and start looking for guys who fit that list? Instead of “the One” being one guy, maybe yours is a well-curated collection of guys who fill the gaps in your relationship with the one you love.
Dear DDD, don’t give up on your search. After all, you’re now in the DILF world, and you can create multiple profiles on DaddyHunt.com to do some recruiting.
Hank, a proud pater
Questions you can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)
