Sex on the First Date? (Will There Be a Second One?)
Dear Hank:
I’m looking for a boyfriend. I’ve gone on all those apps — Grindr, Scruff, Adam4Adam — and found some cool guys. But here’s the problem: Almost no one wants to meet up for a drink or dinner. It’s all about hooking up. That is fun, but in my experience, once a guy gets off with another guy, he isn’t likely to come back. I really want to get to know a guy and establish a relationship.
My question: Is that just me? Is sex on the first date a good idea if you’re looking for a long-term relationship? And these days, what is a date anyway?
Looking, But Not for Now
Dear Looking:
You’ve nailed it! On your first meetup, if you nail him, or he nails you, you’re not likely to see one another again. So why is that? Is it a gay thing? And what can you do about it? (Sometimes I like to ask the questions that I want to find answers to )
While I don’t have a degree in Anthropology, I do describe myself as an amateur anthropologist. I like to dig deep into why we homo sapiens do what we do, particularly the homo homo sapiens that we’re talking about here. I do think the f-ck and go phenomenon is typical of men across the sexual orientation spectrum. After all, homo sapiens and all other male animals have one mission in life — to spread the seed. If you’re a heterosexual homo sapien, that comes with a burden that we homo homo sapiens don’t have to bear. A male homo sapien in the prehistoric days had to hang around for about seven years after breeding a female homo sapien. It took that long for the baby to grow into an animal who could kill his own rabbits for dinner so Daddy didn’t have to hang around to do it for him. (You’ve heard of the “seven-year itch” I assume.) These days it’s tougher. A heterosexual male homo sapien has to hang around for 22 years (until the kid gets out of college.) That’s when the divorce filings begin.
From an anthropological point of view, there’s no need for a gay guy to hang around after sex. He’s not going to impregnate someone. It’s a simple “cum and go.” On the other hand, homo sapiens have evolved beyond the need to only procreate. Wikipedia acknowledges that in its definition of Human. “These days, “for humans, sexuality involves biological, erotic, physical, emotional, social, or spiritual feelings and behaviors.” It says.
Forgive this long-winded essay: My answer to your question is simply “no.” Sex on a first date isn’t a good idea if you’re looking for a second date. Instead, make out a bit and then say goodbye to your would-be lover, with a promise (ideally including an actual date and time and place) to meet again. We all want what we can’t have, and the physical distance you create is going to make you more emotionally enticing.
Given that advice, how do you find a guy who is really interested in a date or two or three or more? (And I don’t mean a dried Medjool and Deglet Noor date, although they are quite tasty and more likely to deliver what you’re looking for if you’re hungry.)
I’d suggest you go on a site that actually is focused on dating and not on hookups. There’s a strong likelihood that guys willing to pay for an expensive membership on such a site are looking for a relationship. Here I will turn the discussion over to Saul Stauber, whose review of the top eight gay dating sites told me all I need to know (although I am still hunting).
Zoosk, Elite Singles, Match, Our Time, Silver Singles, BlackPeopleMeet, Christian Mingle, J Date. Stauber’s recommendations are more pricey than Scruff, Grindr, Mister, Recon or BBRT. But then you get what you pay for.
Happy hunting!
Hank, still hunting after all these years
Questions you can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)
