Sologamy: Should I Ask Me to Marry Me?
Dear Hank:
That Supreme Court decision in 2015 made same-sex marriage legal in the United States. But where is my husband? I’ve had so many boyfriends. And a few long-term relationships — which I define as sharing the same bed for at least three years. But I still haven’t found a man worth an engagement ring.
Recently I heard about sologamy — yeah, loving and marrying yourself. I’m attracted sexually and romantically to guys a good bit younger than me. So I’m not sure me and me are going to be a great match. But we have been together forever. And while sometimes I get angry at myself, I always manage to get over it and accept myself for who I am.
So, my question: Should I marry myself? Who should I invite to the wedding? Any recommendations for a honeymoon?
Kneeling in wait of your response,
Sammy Single
Dear Sammy:
Sologamy! I think you’re moving forward down the right road. Sologamy has slowly emerged as an option to traditional marriage. It got a lot of attention in 1993, when Linda Baker, still single at the age of 39, decided to marry herself at a bar in Santa Monica, California. Actor Ron Cummins officiated in the ceremony, to which Baker had invited her family and 75 friends. As the Los Angeles Times reported, Cummins “reminded the non-bride during the brief ceremony, all that was missing was ‘a beer-swilling couch potato who might forget your birthday and cheat on you and make you miserable’.” In 2011, ten women came together in Bilbao, Spain, to marry themselves, another ceremony that got a lot of publicity.
But there can be issues. Cris Galera, the famous Playboy cover model, porn performer, and lawyer, declared a ‘self-divorce’ 90 days after she married herself in Brazil in 2021. She said she had to divorce because she had “found someone special.”
Also, sologamous marriages are not legally recognized anywhere in the world. Although, with the 2015 U.S. Supreme Court decision in Bergefell v. Hodges, you don’t have to worry about being prosecuted for marrying someone (yourself) of the same sex.
There have been critics of sologamy. Tim Teeman, in an article in the Daily Beast, describes self-marriage as “the ultimate brand extension of a self-obsessed, selfish populus.” But Bella DePaulo, an expert on single people, and the author of “Single at Heart”, refutes that. In a 2017 article in Psychology Today, DePaulo, who notes that she had gone 64 summers without marriage, asks: “Why are single people tagged as selfish and self-centered when they marry, when couples are not? It is couples with their two incomes and two panini presses who expect single people with their one income to buy them presents from their registries; to travel to the wedding, no matter the expense or inconvenience; and to offer the gift of their joyful congratulations.”
As those who have married know, a wedding can be complicated and expensive. But if you’re marrying yourself, I’m guessing there won’t be any arguments about where to stage the ceremony, what to wear, who to invite. And there is an emerging sologamy marriage industry if you need help. In 2017, the BBC reported on several sologamy wedding planners, including Cerca Travel, a Kyodo, Japan, business that offers a two-day “solo wedding” package (for women). That package includes choosing your own special gown (but as a guy you might prefer a suit), bouquet and hairstyle, a limousine service, a stay at a hotel, and a commemorative photo album. In the United States, there’s I Married Me, which offers a variety of sologamy marriage kits, and Self Marriage Ceremonies, to name a few. Most seem to cater to female brides, but with the decline in traditional marriage, I suspect we will see male sologamy marriage services emerge. Oh, and check out SOLOgaMy, whose Elena Ketra, an Italian feminist artist can provide you with a well-designed marriage certificate.
If you need help crafting a vow for a live sologamy ceremony, American Weddings Blog offers options. (“I vow to live authentically, and to be unapologetically me in every area of my life. To wear what I want, eat what I want, live where I want, and love who I want.” is one example).
As for the honeymoon — whatever is on your bucket list. Just make sure your hotel room has a big mirror and you have some Viagra to bring the marriage ceremony to a happy climax.
Looking forward to celebrating your anniversary!
Hank
Questions you straight people can’t bring yourself to ask your gay friends and neighbors? Or maybe you’re just queer and befuddled. Send them to Hank@AskAGay.net. (Warning: The answers will be factually correct, but might not be politically correct)
