Ask a Grief Coach
Question: Why is it Bad That I Can’t Attend the Wake?
Answer: It’s not. Hard stop.
Ask a Grief Coach is an online column to address commonly received questions in private work with my clients. All names are kept anonymous, and the questions are shared with permission. As you read, keep the context of your own story in mind. No answers found here will apply directly to your circumstance because your grief is unique to you. However, the hope is that you will find tools and tips of support, whether you are the griever or the supporter.
Dear Mandy,
I live across the country from the majority of my family, and normally it’s not a big deal. We see one another occasionally but we’re just not that close. But recently, my aunt passed away unexpectedly. She and I were extremely close, despite conflict within the family itself, and I am heartsick and angry at the complicated responses within my family to her death.
The funeral is in two weeks. Technically I have time to make travel arrangements, but I’m not certain I want to attend. However, I can’t seem to convince my family to understand my perspective. They think it is disrespectful to skip the funeral and keep wanting me to give an explanation as if how I feel is not good enough. I keep hearing that I will regret not attending, among other things. That traveling is what my aunt would have wanted. I feel manipulated. What can I do to manage this without just causing a deeper rift in our family?
Sincerely,
Distanced and Deciding
Dear Distanced,
Well done noticing how you feel! Being curious about our responses and emotional state during grief is crucial the our overall health and recovery from loss. Knowing your boundaries and needs is so important.
Our culture has a tendency to moralize behaviors and decisions in an effort to effect a certain outcome. Remember: Grief triggers a revelation that we are not in control of our lives or those around us. So it would be expected to experience an uptick in the controlling behavior of someone who is grieving or afraid. It can feel exactly like manipulation, but the heart is more likely one of sorrow and fear.
That said, your decisions here are morally neutral. You cannot ascribe “good” or “bad” to travel plans because expectations are not shared values. What you are asking is whether or not honoring your grief process and values are worth the tension your decision may cause.
Unequivocally: Yes. The discomfort experienced throughout this loss and in the aftermath is not your responsibility to correct or bear on behalf of anyone else. There will be resistance and disappointment where there are unmet and uncommunicated expectations. But our lives are not meant to be lived in submission the expectations of everyone else; especially not in grief.
You are weighing your ability to grieve your aunt in your own way with the resulting weight of choosing to attend the funeral. There is no right answer, because there is no wrong answer here. This is a decision for you and you alone, because you are the one who will live with the outcome. I applaud your awareness and courage to stand alone, knowing it will disrupt the plans of others. I applaud your tender heart, willing to consider the impact your choice will make. And I applaud decision either way, because you will ultimately make the choice that leads to the greatest sense of peace — and that is the goal as we grieve.
With handfuls of compassion for your loss,
Mandy
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Mandy Capehart is a small business owner, editor, certified grief and life coach, and creator of The Restorative Grief Project. The Restorative Grief Project is an online community focusing on one another’s stories and new methodologies for grief, creating a safe environment for our souls to heal and our spirits to be revived. To learn more, visit MandyCapehart.com or follow her on Twitter.
She thinks she is pretty funny. The jury is out.
