The Unspoken Cost of Pursuing Spirituality

It’s a lonely path….

Like the biblical image of walking in a desert, it’s an inevitable part of the process in the pursuit of the divine within. Even in Mother Teresa’s own private journals and letters, she describes a constant separation from God of the feeling left in darkness.

It’s in the detachment of all separating desires and left in the sole desire to return to source where we can finally find peace. Yet the process is learning to pray, believe, and hold faith, even in the darkest of hours.

Dissolving of Karma….Letting Go

When I first embarked on this path, perhaps without knowing it, I chose to break way from existing patterns. And the manifestation of this choice resulted in loss of existing relationships, a further detachment from existing groups and social circles, and a certain amount of isolation from the world I knew.

From shifts in values, to the disillusionment of co-dependent relationships, and self sabotaging interjected persecutory voices. It became a process of regressing back and facing the realities of choices and actions. Part of the process included the off balance going into the opposite end of the spectrum before learning to find balance in my actions.

From the internal feeling of needing to help (seen in the Virgo archetype in evolutionary astrology) to the return of self nurture and expression (Leo) I learned to find the balance and exercise discernment.

I remember having a conversation with a friend during my “forget the world” phase and I can distinctly remember their reaction of shock and even withdrawal. Even til this day, after I’ve learned to balance the energies, that friend still keeps a certain amount of distance.

Leaving relationships

It was probably one of the hardest thing I had to do. A part of me can’t help but wonder maybe there was another way around. I realized my partner wanted to draw strength from me and was almost using me as her crutch to not have to find it within themselves. I knew as long as we were in a relationship, my partner would not want to stand alone. So I suggested a break in hopes to have space for them to find ourselves. A part of me wanted to stay, but a part of me loved them too much to continue this kind of co-dependent relationship.

The Group of ONE

I find myself still alienated from even the new age community and many so called spiritual groups. Part of the reason being that everyone is at different stages of evolution and growth, some is just having awareness, others are active a life of surrender. Although these are all paths of spiritualization, but the understanding can be drastically different depending on state and stage. Thus it really becomes the GROUP OF ONE.

Even if you’re lucky enough to find people in similar stage, it’s such a large spectrum that each person’s journey is really their own. We all have such different karmic paths that all we can really do for one another is to just hold space. One day… we will find one another at the end of the journey as all roads lead back to the same destination.

There’s no turning back…

For anyone who’s experienced a sense of serenity of the divine, there’s no going back. No possession, relationship, experience can bring such peace to the soul. A sense of returning home. An so we walk on.. In the darkness we pray and hold faith as we walk along. With a knowing that one day, this path will find liberation and light.

My heart goes out to all those who walk this path, no matter if you’ve only begun or near the end of the tunnel my love is with you.