10 Things Elementary School Taught You that Are Useless

Katie Dutch — used with permission

Dear Elementary School,

I’ve got a few things to discuss with you. I don’t think you prepared me as well as you think you did for this whole “real world” bullshit.

Sit down.

The Recorder

Remember when my parents paid like 20 bucks for that long white instrument that had a mouthpiece and random holes called a recorder?

And I walked around the house playing “Hot Cross Buns” for 20 fucking hours a day because my music teacher convinced me I was a good musician but only taught me one song because the class as a whole was too disabled to learn anything else?

How many times have I walked into an interview and been hired for playing that fucking annoying song on that shitty plastic recorder?

Remember when it got spit in it? And I had to clean it with that gross pipe cleaner? And it started to have bite marks from hitting me in the fucking teeth?

Thanks, fourth grade.

Volcanoes

I swear to God, if my kid has to mix baking soda and vinegar inside a piece of shit papier-mâché volcano to learn that you shouldn’t fucking stand near a volcano because that shit explodes, I’m gonna lose it.