A New Year…. A New Wave of Healing?
I really thought things were getting better. I felt that I didn’t need to share my pain anymore through words because I was healing. At least I kept silent and moved through the responsibilities that life dealt me. The funny thing about life is that even when you lose a child…life keeps going. With it, you’re handed compounded issues with moments of happiness thrown in.
2023…was a tough year. I am just about jumping into my 7th year of life after loss. This Christmas I found my way down to the secondhand store and noticed the toy shelves were sparse. I have been visiting secondhand stores frequently when I need something. The economy has not been kind and for some, it’s their only option. As I walked down the somewhat sad space where toys used to be, I remembered the bins of toys I had in my attic. I held onto them because I felt that getting rid of them meant I was giving up on my son. I went home and cleaned out that attic. I reminisced about the times he played with those toys, and I found myself smiling because I had fond memories that had been locked away. Many happy moments flooded through my brain and the mental weight of carrying those toys out of the house got lighter. I placed them on the porch and asked my husband to please bring them to the secondhand store before I changed my mind. What good are toys if they are not being played with?
Midway through this year I earned a promotion and started working at a mental hospital (of all places). It proved to be the best move I could have made, and I found peace in it all. They encourage taking moments of mindfulness with meditation practices in WebEx throughout the week. Not many people know my story or the journey I have been on, but it’s not a “front and center” job, which fairs better for me. I still struggle with my decision to leave a more lucrative position that was in my field, because financially, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. I took a job making 30k less because I thought I was going to crack.
A few months after my promotion we found out that my husband’s back is literally broken and now he can’t work. He loaded trucks and did manual labor for half his life and now he needs two titanium discs in his spine. The arduous process of proving his need to our insurance company has taken its toll on both of us. He does receive a portion of his pay, but we were just sliding by with the full amount. He feels defeated both physically and emotionally because he can’t be the provider he was.
My stepsons have dealt with their own trauma with their mother. She suffers from a mental condition and has seemingly lost the desire to do better for herself and her kids. They hit a deep ditch of depression because they couldn’t help her and thought she was lost to them. The abandonment they felt and continue to feel gave them both emotional scars leading to multiple trips to specialists. It’s hard to be a mother on the outside looking in on a mother who has her children but won’t help herself. If anyone can understand mental health conditions…it’s me, but it still pains me to see them so lost.
I am hoping that 2024 offers hope for all of us, including their mother. Sifting through the layers of despair can often lead to giving up. It’s much easier to stay stuck in the throngs of reality and all its pain. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and choose to keep moving forward. Sometimes we will be knocked down and begin crawling again. Life doesn’t stop shooting shit just because you say enough is enough. It’s your resilience that gets you through to those moments of clarity and perseverance. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Take the layers of life and peel away at them until you find the moments of golden fruit. We are all unique and important human beings with a purpose. Let’s take that purpose into the new year.
