Handling Halloween: A Constant Reminder of My Horror

Every holiday for a grieving parent holds a weight of emotional checks and balances. There are certain dates that haunt us more than others. Halloween is usually not the holiday that bothers me the most. My son was never given the opportunity to grow old enough to enjoy it. I would adorn him in some super cute outfit and he would run into every house that we trick-or-treated at. He just thought we were visiting friends and he had every opportunity to enter someone else’s residence. Personally, I can’t handle the jump scares, haunted houses, skeletons, and headstones in people’s front yards. I don’t even have Halloween decorations anymore past pumpkins and autumn leaves. Every day I push the thought of death somewhere else so I can function. Personally death no longer scares me, however, the thought of what my son experienced debilitates me.

I know that he isn’t buried in the ground and that his soul is with God, but the logical part keeps me awake at night. So many people tell me that my son is an angel now and I will see him again, but at times that small part of me is louder than the spiritual part. Sometimes a moment of fear grips at my heart and I panic thinking — what if I don’t. Some would say this is a lack of faith, but for those who have lost children, it’s our second biggest fear.

This is the third year I have brought a pumpkin to the cemetery. I know he won’t be able to carve it, but it brings me comfort to know that he might see it. This year I even brought a little ghost on a stick because he used to throw his blankie over his head and howl like a ghost. He would affectionately call himself “Ghostie”.

I thought the hardest part of future holidays would be to buy costumes for my stepsons and try not to cry halfway through Party City. I even avoided going trick-or-treating for the past two years so that I didn’t have to place myself in a quandary where I was forced to see child after child squealing in delight. This year I have decided to stretch out of my comfort zone. If it gets difficult I can always excuse myself and head home. Maybe in 5 years, I will even get brave enough to walk into a haunted house. I’ve learned to take it easy on myself and the best advice I can give a newly bereaved parent is to not undergo any situation that doesn’t feel comfortable.

I have been given invites to baby showers and when that tug on my heartstrings started, I politely sent my regrets and an Amazon gift card. It’s not that I am not excited about the birth of your child, it’s simply that I am in a place where I can’t handle it emotionally-not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Simply listening to that intuition will save you a little part of your already mangled heart.

We each have to measure our emotional checks and balances in order to survive through the worst situation of our lives. For those of you who are the baby shower parents, the 5th birthday mothers, the first communion partygoers, and the Christmas party hosts — please be patient with us — -we are trying.