Love Day
It’s Not Just February 14th
The month is arriving that I personally fear and love. February — that month filled with extra love, roses, and chocolates. I do celebrate the love part every day because I have a very loving husband and he doesn’t just adhere to Valentine’s Day to show his love and devotion. He does it daily. For me, February is a memory of chocolate-covered fingers that I can no longer hold. It is a date that I no longer take to pick out boxes of cards with scented pencils for my son to bring to his classmates. Most of all, it is the month that he left me to go live with Jesus.
Many people will agree that Valentine’s Day is overrated, and it is an expensive display of overpriced roses and extravagant dinners. Most of my adult life I would have agreed with this statement because I was alone. I had a deep longing for someone to love me, really love me. I had some idea of what love looked like, but over and over I chose subpar ideas that eventually came to an end. Most of the men I dated were vacuum cleaners who simply sucked the life out of me until there was nothing left.
Johnathan used to call Valentine’s Day — Love Day. I think he might have heard it from one of his favorite shows, Daniel Tiger. It was an endearing reminder that I finally had found my love, my little man, the one I would die for. He taught me so much in his 4 years on this planet that ultimately led me to the man I am now married to. I believe my son is the one that brought my husband to me. I will tell you that story in just a bit.
Until I had my son, I had suffered through losing my identity, abuse, and depression. Johnathan taught me about unconditional love. It wasn’t always easy to dodge the toys he would throw, to calm him after a tantrum at the store or hold him until he stopped hitting his head on the floor, but he always was and is easy to love. My son had sensory issues and until I started researching, I didn’t understand why he was acting in this manner. I took him to many specialists who continued to say he’s having temper tantrums, he’s spoiled, he’s not autistic, but finally, one person knew — he had SPD. Loud noises and bright lights bothered him, which is why a day at the state fair was one of his worst days. I continued to believe we could love him through his bad days and with the help he would work through his.
Early in 2017, we had finally found a therapist who diagnosed him, and she said she could help. It was a breakthrough in a long period of wondering if my son (who couldn’t communicate) was in pain. No wonder he thrashed, cried, bit, and acted out, he couldn’t help it. Unfortunately, we never got the opportunity to see how therapy would transform him as Johnathan had a seizure in his sleep after routine vaccinations and never woke up.
Many friends, family, and even complete strangers tell me that it wasn’t related but after three years of research, I know better. Even after his death, I continue fighting for him because he can’t communicate here on this earth. Love is holding someone through the good and the bad times no matter what and still loving them even when they are gone. My heart now holds more than just my own. My son left a piece of his in my heart before he left.
It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, although most people use this metaphor in romantic relationships. You never really know how much you really love someone until they are gone. It’s sad that we don’t truly realize that while that person is still with us. His loss taught me a lesson in eternal love — a bittersweet valentine as he is my greatest love and my greatest loss. I can’t change what has happened, but he ignited a flame in me of appreciation for others that continues to live on.
I promised you a story, so here it goes.
I moved six months after my son passed away to be closer to work. I had been living with my parents, so it was time to move out and sort my way into my new existence. I sat on the steps of my apartment building one evening looking up at the stars and praying to God to give me my Johnathan back. A few weeks before I had a star named after him in the Pegasus region and the certificate arrived in the mail. I walked into work the next morning and saw a painted rock sitting on the bench. It was bright yellow with a shooting star and written were the words “My Shining Star”.
Later that day, I was on lunch break and ran into an old friend I previously worked with. He was walking out of the gym. He normally went in the early morning, but that day his car was being repaired and he needed to pass some time. I always had a crush on him, but never had the opportunity to ask him out. Apparently, he had felt the same and asked if we could go out sometime. It was then he said he had heard about the loss of my son and he was sorry for my pain. He had two sons as well and guess what their names are: Alex and Johnathan. My son knew he could not answer the prayer that I had wanted, but he did bring Johnathan and Alex into my life — along with their father. Now I am married to Jason and a stepmother to both boys.
Even with the excruciating loss of Johnathan, I think he had a hand in bringing more love into my life. He gave me a husband who is strong enough to hold me through the good and the bad times and he gave me two more beautiful children who needed me as much as I needed them. Of course, I have days where I question the motives of God because he took my son and a year later my unborn child, but I try to remind myself of what the meaning of love really is. God lost his only son so that we may all have eternal life. He is no stranger to child loss. There is no explanation as to why children die that would ever be acceptable to me, although the knowledge of life eternal keeps the anger at bay.
So, this Love Day please practice the lesson that took me 32+ years to learn. Don’t wait until you lose everything to understand what real love means. The people in your life are not there by coincidence — rather they were chosen just for you. Celebrate your love for them every day and let them know how much you value them.
“We love because He first loved us.”
1 John 4:19
