Namaste Grief
Healing Through The Practice of Yoga
I have shared many stories of the heartbreak of losing my son, but I want to share the story of how he is helping me to heal.
It all started with Groupon and a leap of faith. I had tried therapy, brain-numbing anti-depressants, and time, but nothing could shake me out of the darkness. I walked into Full Lotus Yoga Studio not knowing what to expect and I was greeted with acceptance by Owner and Instructor Bianca Johnson. I walked in with my freshly purchased yoga mat and upon entering the room I saw a sign in the form of a mandala.
I didn’t yet know the meaning behind this symbol, but to me, it looked like a sunflower with vibrant colors, which I took as a sign from Johnathan that I was where I belonged. As I learned more about the meaning a year later the mandala made even more sense to me. It is a circle symbolizing unity, eternity, wholeness, and perfection. This was the beginning of a journey of rediscovering who I am now and who I wish to become.
Subsequent visits to the studio taught me many new types of yoga and I met many wonderful people. I felt unshaken in this space and I could smile without fear. For the first time since losing my son, I took a moment of clarity and started to breathe.
This summer I was given the opportunity to attend a yoga retreat on the beaches of Lake Champlain. Bianca and Valene; an insightful clairvoyant; guided a small group of us through a weekend of deep soul work. Not only did we dig our toes into the actual sand, but we dug through the trenches of our past experiences to help discover the women we want to be and can be. Our reasons for attending might have varied, but our common goal was to embody our true essence. Personally, I wanted to learn to forgive myself for not being able to protect my son and also how to live the rest of my life going forward.
One of the most important things I learned was that my son’s spirit shined through me most passionately when I was happy and smiling. I had spent over two years looking down at my toes and staying out of social situations. The same boy that would squeeze my cheeks and tell me to “Be Happy Mama” was telling me the same thing from Heaven. I also learned that I can forgive myself because his short life was predestined before he was even born. He came here to teach me what love really means: unconditional-soul-shaking love. Although I would rather have him than have learned any lesson, he chose this life with me. For him and for the four years I held him in my arms, I am eternally grateful. I learned gratitude in the midst of grief.
Even though we are separated by a physical barrier, the mandala has solidified my Christian beliefs that eternal life exists. I can still speak to my son and share my feelings with him and he can still hear me. Our union is eternal and not even death can sever that. It’s a perfect circle that has no beginning and no end. I have left many things on my mat including sweat, tears, sand, and regret, but I have gained so much more. For the first time since my son died, I am beginning to reawaken (Parsva Savasana) to my life and who I am now. I recognize that I can never be who I used to be, but I need to grant myself permission to discover who I can be. Namaste Grief, I bow to you out of respect for the wisdom you have taught me.
