Why You Suck At Relationships
And how to get better
Some people are good at relationships. They meet potential partners with ease wherever they go and actually enjoy online dating. They encounter emotionally available people and slide right into monogamous relationships like it ain’t no thang.
Then there’s the rest of us. Mystified by how to turn a dating profile into a boyfriend, or how to meet a guy who’s not a total fuck-up.
You feel like you’re trapped in an ’80s movie, destined to be on the outside looking in at all the couples with their hands in the back pockets of each other’s acid-washed jeans.
“How do they do it?!” you wonder as you grit your teeth through another bout of online dating.
If the relationship you so desperately want stays just out of reach, there might be internal blocks standing in your way. Like feeling desperate for a relationship.
Instead of blindly slogging through a barrage of bad dates and painful, short-term relationships, let’s look at some long-held beliefs and broken patterns holding you back and kiss them goodbye.
Broken picker
Charming addict, soulful depressive, cheating narcissist… the list of your exes reads like a reality show casting call. You seem to have the magical ability to walk into a room full of single men and hone in on the one unavailable guy there.
Even when you think you’re picking a great guy, after three dates he asks if you’re into porn and starts texting you at three in the morning, when he bothers to be in touch at all.
You’ve given up on trusting your own instincts and the only thing you can count on is always being attracted to men who are bad for you.
Fix: Make a list of deal-breakers. All the qualities and behaviors you absolutely will not tolerate. When you meet a new guy be on the lookout for red flags. Don’t rationalize them away or make excuses for them when they start flying.
Your picking instincts are slow on the draw so give yourself time to see warning signs before getting more involved. It’s better to realize a guy has an addiction after the third date rather than on your wedding night.
Hooked on a feeling
If you don’t instantly feel fireworks, you’re not interested. Anything less than off-the-charts chemistry on a date and you’re plotting your escape.
Without that high, you think you’ll be stuck and suffocated in a boring relationship forever as the walls close in on you and you hyperventilate.
You think you know right away if it’s going to work based on that initial attraction so why waste your time? You’re sure the guy sitting across from you isn’t a match so you debate whether you should climb out the bathroom window, fake a family emergency, or both.
Great theory! Except based on your dating history, the instant chemistry you crave hasn’t proven to be the best predictor of relationship success. It usually signifies the relationship is going to crash and burn fast.
Get curious about who this guy is as a person. Be open to developing attraction over time as you learn more about him.
Ditching first date fireworks doesn’t mean a relationship is boring. Attraction that takes longer to build usually lasts longer, too.
Unrealistic expectations
You believe in fairy tales and are waiting for your prince to come. You’re expecting perfection and are constantly disappointed. All your friends' boyfriends and husbands seem perfect, but you go on dates with these flawed dudes.
You’re irritated they can’t read your mind and anticipate your needs, get food stuck in their teeth, and would rather talk about dirt bikes than the meaning of life, or how hot you look in your new dress.
Fix: Having expectations is a surefire way to stay single. You have to tolerate the imperfections and irritating quirks. He’s a human being, not a character there to fulfill your every need.
Give the sweet guy who’s a little neurotic a second date. An imperfect relationship in real life is better than a fairy tale fantasy.
Fear of abandonment
You’re so afraid of being left that you push people away. Or you let someone get close to you but when he takes more than two seconds to text back, you freak out.
If he doesn’t ask for another date by the time you get home from seeing him, you’re convinced it’s over. You don’t feel safe in a relationship. You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and the guy to disappear forever.
Fix: The good old fear of abandonment. This goes back to your childhood and then gets reinforced by experiences in your past relationships. Remember that when you feel this panic rise.
Remind yourself that this man isn’t your dad, or your ex, or anyone else who ever hurt you.
Part of the reason you’re afraid of being left is you don’t feel like you’re ok on your own. Whether you’re overreacting or someone is really leaving you, don’t abandon yourself.
Remind yourself that no matter what happens, you’re safe and are ok all on your own, with or without anyone else.
Unable to set boundaries
You’re a people pleaser. You agree to everything. Your goal is to be that easy, breezy, low-maintenance girl with no needs of her own. You’re afraid of being seen as selfish, or even worse, difficult.
So you find yourself agreeing to meet up with a guy when you know you really need and want Me Time, or going out with him and his buddies when you’d rather have a night with just the two of you.
Then there are the favors, like picking up his dry cleaning, dropping off his cat at the vet, and revising his resume which leave you too wiped out to focus on your own needs.
Fix: Start setting boundaries by saying, “No.” Declare it The Week Of No and decline every request you don’t feel excited about.
Say no when your neighbor asks you to take care of his bird over the weekend, your best friend asks you to spot her $20, and your co-worker asks if you’d mind reading the first draft of his sci-fi novel and giving him detailed feedback.
Turn down invites that don’t feel fun. Don’t even offer an excuse. You can say no just because you want to! It’s uncomfortable at first and that’s ok. The awkward feelings will pass quickly as the feeling of power replaces them.
Difficulty expressing feelings
You stuff your feelings down and act like you’re fine to protect yourself from being vulnerable. When a guy you’re seeing does or says something that upsets you, you pretend it’s no big deal.
Most of the time you don’t even know how you feel until long after the incident, when it’s too late to bring it up anyway. You’re terrified that expressing any kind of dissatisfaction will lead to an argument or a fight, which will surely end the relationship.
Instead, you become disconnected, numb, and checked-out. That is, when you’re not feeling depressed, anxious, resentful, and infuriated from all those bottled-up feelings.
Fix: Being yourself and expressing how you feel is not optional. True intimacy can’t grow without it. Ignore your knee-jerk reaction to say something upsetting is “Fine!” and pay attention to how your body feels. Your emotions will give you clear signals if you get quiet and listen.
When your chest feels tight or your stomach feels uneasy, trust that something is definitely not “no big deal.” When you’ve figured out what you feel, it’s time to start expressing it.
Be clumsy. It’s OK. You can start with, “I feel really uncomfortable saying this but …” or “I don’t know why but I feel upset about what you said and I need some time to think about it.” As long as you’re getting it out, that’s what’s important.
It’ll get easier to identify and articulate your feelings the more you work on it, and it’ll vastly improve your relationships.
Need for control
My way or the highway. No one can do things as well as you. You micromanage everything from a first date to your new love interest’s career.
When a guy excitedly tells you about the date he’s planned you can’t help but offer (insist on) suggestions to improve it. You should meet earlier, see a different movie, go to a different restaurant.
At his place, you tell him he should keep his dishes in that cabinet, and organize his sock drawer this way. You take it as a personal affront when he doesn’t abide by the way you do things when he’s at your place.
It’s one thing to express your preferences. It might even be more fun or efficient your way. But if you’re constantly controlling every aspect of a relationship from the get-go, he’s going to get sick of being bossed around and call it quits.
Fix: Pick your battles and let the rest of it go. If you hate horror movies, say so. If you can’t stomach Thai food, let him know. But if you don’t have an earth-shattering opinion on something let it slide.
He has his own ideas and opinions. You might be surprised how much you enjoy giving up the burden of being in charge all the time.
If he offers to wash the dishes and puts them away in the wrong cabinet, appreciate his efforts instead of criticizing his execution. It’s a relationship, not a dictatorship. You have to learn to compromise and unclench some control. You’ll gain far more than you give up.
No good role models
Like most of us, you grew up in a dysfunctional family. The love portrayed in movies, TV, and co-dependent “I’ll die without you” songs doesn’t help.
You’re an expert at chaotic, painful relationships but don’t have a clue what a healthy one looks like, let alone how to be in one.
Fix: Find good role models. A friend, family member, someone who’s in a healthy relationship or knows what one looks like. They’re out there and you gotta find them. Ask questions. Ask for advice. Learn from them.
Read about what’s possible in a healthy relationship. Most dating and relationship books are manuals on emotional manipulation and perpetuate dysfunction, so do your research.
Put in the work and you can let go of unhealthy patterns and write your own dating playbook.
Shaky relationship with yourself
You feel incomplete without a man. You’re looking for someone to make you whole. When you’re in a relationship you drop everything and focus on your guy. You can’t concentrate because all you can think about is when he’s going to call and when you’ll see him again.
You’re ready to give up your life for some guy you hardly know. Being single is unbearable and you’re desperate to escape… from yourself.
Fix: The best relationship advice is self-improvement. If you can’t stand your own company it’s impossible to show up for a relationship.
You need the self-esteem required to pick the right people, express your feelings, set boundaries, know what you deserve and what you won’t stand for any more now that you no longer suck at relationships.
This doesn’t mean you have to get it all together and adore yourself 100% of the time before you can be in a relationship. What it does mean is that no one person is going to solve your problems or make you whole.
Even if you get a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, you can’t neglect your relationship with yourself. Others will come and go, delight and disappoint you, but you have to be there for yourself through it all.
Notice what you’re looking to get from a relationship, whether it’s intangible like appreciation and love, or material things like flowers and home-cooked meals, and make a habit of giving it to yourself.
The more you love and respect yourself, the better the dating prospects you attract will be. Focus on creating your dream life and feeling amazing about yourself and everything else in your life will follow suit.
Trust it. And go get it!
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