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Full Moon in Virgo

I want people to like me but I don’t like it when they like me too much.

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Just in time for the Virgo Full Moon, my level of nit picking has reached its peak. Its allowed me to notice something about myself that has prevented me from deep friendships and true intimacy. As much as I judge myself, I am also critical about people accepting me, because frankly, I believe very few people know me at all. So when people like what I believe to be an incomplete version of me too much, I throw up an impenetrable wall. I disallow any further exploration into my psyche. Perhaps its a reflex so that people will have me forever cemented in their mind as whatever they’ve projected on to me.

Rather than sulking in this feeling, I’d like to sort it out. I am certain it has to do with the model for relationships that was provided to me by my parents. I don’t blame them but I see the pattern continuing through me. My mom was easily excitable and adored my dad’s talents and my dad was the type to roll his eyes for this sort of behavior. He still has this thing about responsibility and people being childish, which is severely limiting when it comes to anything to do with play. This is not to say my dad doesn’t know how to have fun, but before he got remarried, he was only really funny in a cynical way. That has continued in my presence, although I know he has it in him to be silly, he’s just not willing to share that side with me all that much.

I have now become that person, and for a woman, its a tormenting feeling. It means I attract people like my mom that are proud of everything I do, to the point where it seems like they must have a very distorted idea of who I really am. My mom has the right to be my biggest fan because she is my mom. However, the doting is what annoys me and because I’ve been living around my mom for a year, I have become hyper-focused on her habit of doing this. Which means I now notice this sort of expression toward me from others. Those are the people I want nothing to do with. Which seems odd because we all crave attention and connection. Its just that I see this as someone wanting to identify with a part of me that they find attractive, and it makes me cringe. I have no other way to explain it. It just seems desperate.

This is not just in partnership, this is also in friendship. The positive side of this means I am looking for people that are confident in themselves to associate with. I admire those who are capable of forming their own identity without the need for validation from me or anyone else. The negative is that I have not alchemized my shadow and judge people when they want very much to be something important to me. I notice myself going out of my way to make people feel like shit in my mind (which I’d most likely never do out loud). Its certainly rooted in cynicism and an over abundance of pride, leaning into narcissism; all feelings I have no real use for. These are all shadows to virtues I’d much rather embody like humility and grace.

The adjustment is to focus on myself and not allow compliments to stop me from doing what I set out to achieve. I know some people might encourage me to extend my gratitude to those that support me at this stage of my life, but I am not where I want to be, so it would be forced. As long as I don’t make a big deal about unwarranted admiration, I can push through this stage of transformation where I am becoming something better than what I have been in the past. If I lose sight of the prize, I fall into cynicism and not feeling worthy. If I ever understood the fear of success, I think this is what it looks like. Achieving it will be better than what I imagine, and my suspicious logical mind is not willing to cede control. Rather, it is filling my head with all sorts of negative feedback to prevent me from moving forward into a new life. A deep and intense part of me knows that I can’t live with myself if I sell my soul just to gain a few followers.

Yet I know that in order to have an effect on the world, I have to be willing to allow people into my creative space without feeling like they are intruding or imposing. That place is vulnerable and has been abused in the past. I have to move on from that guarded feeling of being mistreated and being a victim. I’ve learned from the depths of Hell, but I can’t let those experiences define me. Instead, I have to embrace them as a part of the whole of who I am. I can have boundaries without blocking people out completely. The solution is to pay close attention to the steps required to ascend from this dark and angry place. A developed feminine spirit to balance and care for the immature masculine as it appears.

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa

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