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New Moon Square to Jupiter in Aries

Last night I felt particularly emotional about being picked on.

I was hanging out with my normal group on Discord. There was a conversation going on, but shortly after I joined, we started up an impromptu Game Night. The first game we played was a drawing game, in which one person sketches their interpretation of a word, and the rest of the group guesses the word. I chose the word ‘throat’, and began drawing the inside of a neck. When I completed the drawing, several people still hadn’t guessed correctly, so I just began to decorate the head of the person. “Why would you add hair?” one of my friends asked, “that’s not helpful, that’s stupid.” he added.

For all I know, the guy didn’t even say it was stupid. But he didn’t have to; I could tell by the tone of his voice that he thought so. I could not help but cry a little bit. Thank God no one is here with me, because they would have seen me cry about something so insignificant. It really felt like it stung to be called out like that before a group. I couldn’t help but sulk because this was learned behavior in my previous relationship. During those years, I was rewarded with attention when I would get upset about being called out in front of a group. My ex used shame and embarrassment as weapons. After I left that relationship, I thought I could reprogram myself over time to not worry about what he would think. But last night those disempowering thoughts came back: “You are being annoying” “You aren’t funny” “You’re being immature”.It was surprising to have this happen again, especially with someone who’s opinion doesn’t even really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I love the friend that said that to me, but he is sometimes a bit of an asshole. Usually his opinions are more funny than hurtful to me. I laugh at his cynicism. I know this side of him is not intentionally harmful, and I honestly like that about him, but last night it was salt on a wound. With Jupiter (the planet of expansion) and Mars (The planet of combat) in Aries (a fire sign) all in my 11th House (of organizations and networks) it was (at least, to some degree) predictable that I might be triggered. The consensus among astrologers for this transit was to hold back on explosive reactions. With the resetting of the lunar cycle coinciding with a square to Jupiter, it was a recipe for big emotional outbursts. I certainly felt that urge to aggressively remind everyone about how I’d been in an abusive relationship, and take on the victim role to have the one who ‘insulted me’ feel bad.

I find that interesting that this circumstance allowed me to see that I keep this card and pull it out when I need sympathy. I could sense myself wanting to manipulate the way people thought of me. I wanted to make them feel bad for me, because I was feeling bad myself. Instead, I finished the game and played another game and tried to lighten up. Though the thought of being pathetic loomed in the back of my mind, no one could see me, so I could switch my emotions much more quickly than if I were in the presence of all these people. I laughed at bad jokes, bad drawings, and Cards Against Humanity. Still the thoughts of victimhood continued to return, as though I was getting some sort of pleasure out of having them. Like being the underdog in a 90s Hollywood film; that loser that everyone is rooting for except the rest of the cast.

When I felt I could not longer take the playful jabs, I said, ‘goodnight’ and left at the end of the game. No dramatic door slam, or sudden outbursts like I had felt the need to do in the past. I sat in my bed and checked the Luna transit chart. Sure enough, the new moon was just 2 minutes from exact. It was the validation I needed from the Universe to tell me it was okay to be emotional. When the Moon is at home in Cancer, we become more attuned with our feelings. The problem for me is that: I have the planet Mars in the sign of Cancer. One of my friends describe this perfectly as a solider that is protecting himself by bowing below his shield.

Mars is actually in its detriment in the sign of Cancer, because it is opposite from the sign of its exaltation (Capricorn). That is to say, Cancer is opposite from Capricorn on the Zodiacal Wheel. The idea is that Mars operates at its best in the disciplined sign of Capricorn. Mars in the emotional sign of Cancer, is just that: impulsive action based on feelings. For me, this manifests in my spending habits, among other things. I am very impulsive with purchases, especially courses and subscriptions for apps and information I find to be valuable. I am a compulsive tither, you could say.

While this New Moon occurred very close to the degree of my Natal Mars, it was also in a square to transit Jupiter, as I mentioned earlier. So that aspect activated a point in everyone’s chart. Where ever transit Jupiter in Aries fell in in your chart, determines the area of life within which you will feel these energies, specifically. Everyone’s chart is different, so this will be affecting us differently. For me, transit Jupiter in Aries is my 11th House of Networks and Organizations, and also the location of my Natal Sun and Mercury.

In summary, I would say that my Ego (Natal Sun in the 11th House) was feeling that tension of the square between the New Moon (Ego/Emotions) and transit Jupiter (inflated, expansion). The tension was focused around my value (2nd House- Where the New Moon took place in my chart and where the sign of Cancer is located in my chart) to the group (11th House matters- Where transit Jupiter was in my chart at the time of the New Moon), and how that relates to my self worth (2nd House matters with the concentration of the energy from the New Moon occurring there for me).

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa

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